


Our Own Reality

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-28
Updated: 2009-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-03 22:48:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 54,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident with an Ancient machine forces John to adjust to a life that doesn't feel like his own any longer. The most difficult part to figure out is what role Rodney will play in it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Own Reality

**Author's Note:**

> My NaNoWriMo novel 2009. Unbetaed.

"We haven't done city exploration for a while," John said, almost humming to himself.

Rodney noticed that he was very chipper. "You're enjoying not having to go off-world?" he guessed.

"I wouldn't say that," Sheppard drawled. "But every now and then it's nice. It gives Teyla time to stay with Torren. We get to know the city a bit better. And there's only a very low chance we'll run into Wraith or dangerous natives." After a moment, he added, "And if we do, that'll be the least of our problems."

Rodney turned to him with wide eyes. "You don't think there are some sleeping Wraith here. On Atlantis." He'd been on board with this easy "mission", _because_ it meant no chance of running for your life, unless they ran into Ancient technology rigged to explode, but Rodney had gotten pretty good at defusing those. And Ancient technology didn't have guns or spears.

"Yeah, Rodney, I think we're about to walk into a room full of Wraith, which is why it's just the three of us, not even fully geared up."

Rodney glared at him.

Beside them, Ronon got out his gun. "Let them come," he said with a grin. John grinned back at him.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I get it. Let's joke about the Wraith, in a display of manly self-confidence. Of course the real danger here is having no idea what the Ancients used this lab for. There was probably a good reason it was hidden. If they felt the need to hide it, it was valuable to them. And if it was valuable to them—"

"It might be valuable to _us_," John finished with a gleam in his eyes. Rodney just knew he was thinking about weapons or spaceships or better yet heavily armed spaceships.

"Well, that too, but what I _wanted_ to say was if it's valuable to them, there is a very good chance that they put up protective measures beyond hiding it."

Sheppard faltered in his steps. "You'll think we'll need a key or something to use it."

"I'm almost certain it won't be as easy as switching the power on and pressing go. But what I'm trying to say is that being unable to access it would be harmless as opposed to a timer that goes off once we enter."

"You said it was safe!" John said, suddenly turning to him.

"It _is_. As far as I know. I'm just saying that if you want to joke about dangers, that would be far more realistic. And, I got you there, huh?" Rodney added with a grin.

Ronon snorted.

John gave them both a glare and turned to corner where they'd recently found the entrance to a secret lab.

"Looks Ancient to me," Ronon commented, when he entered.

"Which is so surprising for a secret lab on Atlantis," Rodney said sarcastically, taking readings from the dead machines.

"Well, they could have worked on Wraith technology to reverse engineer it," John suggested.

Rodney shook his head. "Why did I even take you along on this," he muttered to himself.

"Because making amazing discoveries is only half as fun when you can't boast about them?" John said with a grin.

Rodney only gave him a look. He almost hoped what they found was neither related to weapons nor flying just to spite John. But then he thought about the look John would get if it was one of those things. Okay, maybe he could boast about finding a new super weapon and they'd _all_ be happy. "Radek," he said after tapping his ear piece. "You can turn on the power now."

Rodney could see John taking out his sidearm and getting ready to shoot, just as Ronon was doing. He wasn't sure what they expected to happen with just the energy turned on. Especially since they'd already done it in a quick test prior to check if there was anything dangerous that was activated.

"I think none of the equipment is going to shoot," Rodney commented dryly, beginning to scan again.

"Any new life signs?" John asked.

Rodney finished the first scan of the room. "Doesn't look like it."

John relaxed and put away his sidearm. He walked to the largest of the consoles. "So what are we dealing with?"

"We have no idea," Rodney said. "There is nothing about this lab in the database."

"Maybe the others weren't supposed to know," Ronon suggested.

"Rogue Ancients?" John scratched his chin, looking around him. "Not sure I like the sound of that. Or maybe I do. Experimental weapons would be something that a rogue Ancient might work on..."

"Here we go," Rodney said to himself. "We don't even know if this is the lab of a 'rogue' Ancient. And if it's a weapon it's not likely to have worked or they would have used it against the Wraith."

"Well, then what is it, McKay?" John asked.

"I have no idea," Rodney admitted. "Yet."

He sat down at one of the consoles and hooked his tablet up to it, hoping that information about the work was stored in a database on the machine.

There was a noise and when Rodney looked up, he saw that Ronon had wandered to one end of the lab where a large squarish compartment had come out of the wall.

"What did you do?" he demanded, getting closer.

"Nothing," Ronon said. "I came close, that thing popped out."

"Looks a bit like a coffin," John commented from behind Rodney.

Rodney turned around and glared at him. Couldn't they just stop talking about death? He'd hoped the worst-case scenario would be that the lab turned out to be for making Ancient nectar and that they'd wasted an afternoon. He stepped up to the not-at-all coffin-like compartment. Suddenly the top opened to reveal the inside, padded to comfortably fit a human—or a body.

Rodney made a grimace.

"Coffin," John reiterated.

Before Rodney could comment how it was almost certainly _not_ a coffin even if it looked like one, Ronon said, "You think they were trying to reanimate dead people."

"What?!" Rodney said, head whipping around.

Ronon pointed at the blinking lights in the wall above the compartment, and looking closer, Rodney could see that there were electrode like protrusions coming out of the wall near where the head of the person would be.

"He's right. Looks like someone's been playing Frankenstein," John said.

"Oh, come one," Rodney said. He was still a bit creeped out about the whole thing but this was _not_ Frankenstein's laboratory. He was almost certain. Well, pretty certain. "Why don't both of you just stay away and let me check the database. I think I saw a log of the experiments they did. So just give me a moment and I can tell you that it's _not_ something out of an Earth horror movie from long before we were born."

He went back to his notebook and started accessing the information. Unfortunately it was not very useful. There was a huge list of files that couldn't do anything with. The logs were apparently formatted for a specific program, which Rodney either had to find or he had to convert the files.

He switched a few crystals around to get access to the control portion of the system rather than the data storage. Suddenly some lights on the console switched on and the sides of the compartment in the wall moved down, making it easier to lie in it.

"I seem to have turned it on," he said unnecessarily.

"What is it?" Ronon asked.

"I have no id—"

"I know," John interrupted him suddenly. He was still standing next to the compartment.

Rodney could now see that a panel on the wall had been activated as well.

"It's..." John stopped, putting his hand on the panel.

Ronon tensed up and Rodney stood, "I'm not sure you should touch that."

"It's okay," John said, face lighting up in a wide smile.

For a second Rodney just took in the joy on John's face. Then John moved to lie down in the compartment and panic flared in Rodney.

"It's great," John said, settling in what Rodney could only remember him calling the coffin. "I'll show you."

"Sheppard?" Ronon said, frown on his face.

"Sheppard, stop!" Rodney said, running around the console to the compartment, the sides of which began to move up again.

"It'll be fine," John said, then he suddenly jerked and froze as the electrode like wires shot out of the wall and into his head and the lid of the coffin closed.

"Sheppard! Sheppard!"

Ronon tried to move the lid, but it wouldn't budge.

"Dammit, Sheppard." Before Rodney could yell some more at him, the radio in his ear crackled.

"Rodney, there's a spike in power usage. What's going on down there?" Radek asked.

The compartment suddenly started moving back into the wall. Ronon and Rodney frantically tried to keep it from moving, but it was no use.

"Sheppard! Sheppard!" Rodney shouted in vain. "John!"

~~

"Dr. McKay, thank you for joining us for this status meeting," Woolsey said pointedly when Rodney entered.

Rodney ignored him and looked at Jennifer instead. "Any news?"

"Well—" she began only to be interrupted by Woolsey.

"Colonel Sheppard is still inside the machine. Doctors Keller and Zelenka and their teams are everything to get him out, but since they haven't been successful so far, my main concern at the moment is the exorbitant power consumption of the machine."

Rodney took a deep breath and wanted to tell him where he could _shove_ his main concern, but he'd learned in the last couple of days that shouting was unlikely to sway their new leader.

"I'm doing the best I can to save power," Rodney said through gritted teeth. "I've switched off auxiliary power in various parts of the city and half of the transporters. We've put some ongoing longterm experiments on hold for now and I've lowered the temperature in all living quarters by one degree."

"And how much did those measures gain us in terms of energy consumption?"

Rodney quickly glanced at Keller before answering. "It should power the machine for another two days."

"Two days?" she asked. "I don't think that's—" she stopped herself. "I'm sorry," she said, nodding at Woolsey to continue.

"I think what Dr. Keller is trying to say is that we might not be able to free Colonel Sheppard from his confinement in that time, which means we'll have to make a decision at—"

"We're not switching him off!" Rodney said angrily.

"We might not have a choice in the matter. Sooner or later—and unfortunately it looks like it will be sooner rather than later—we will run out of power and then it will be a moot point."

"We're not there yet," Rodney said. Their ZedPM was still half full and he could still switch off power all over Atlantis. He wasn't even close to giving up on John.

"We might want to consider not waiting to that point though," Woolsey said. "There is a chance that switching off the machine will leave Colonel Sheppard unharmed."

"And there is a chance that it will kill him! We don't even know _what_ this machine is doing to him."

Keller coughed at that. Rodney turned to her.

"Go ahead, doctor," Woolsey said.

"As you know we've been able to get the compartment to move out of the wall and check Colonel Sheppard's life signs. This morning Dr. Zelenka managed to get it to open."

"But that's—" before Rodney could jump in joy, Keller interrupted him.

"_However_, while I was able to check him over and can tell he is physically unharmed, I could also confirm that he is really physically connected to the machine. That is, the machine has taken over part of his brain functions."

"So switching off the machine ..." Rodney prompted.

"... will carry the risk that his brain won't take over when it has to," Jennifer finished darkly.

"I'll give you more time," Rodney told her, determination in his voice.

"Dr. McKay," Woolsey began, but Rodney knew he wasn't going to like what he said, so he turned around and walked away. "Dr. McKay!" Woolsey shouted after him.

Rodney didn't care. They would switch John off over his dead body.

~~

Rodney concentrated on saving more energy, both to distract himself and so that Woolsey would have less reason to order them to try switching off the machine.

The last days had been horrible. At first they hadn't known anything, not even if John could breathe inside his confinement—the word "coffin" kept spinning through Rodney's head, as much as he tried not to think of it as that. They'd worked on trying to get the machine to open up and at the same time started calculating how long John would be able to breathe if there was no air supply and how long he'd survive without water.

In that situation, it had already been a minor success when they were able to get the compartment out of the wall and to calibrate one of Jennifer's sensors to be able to get John's life signs.

They'd known John was alive at least, but unfortunately that had been it. Their resident metallurgist could only confirm that they wouldn't get the compartment open without destroying it and the database eventually yielded information, but they had to decrypt it first and then set the linguists on it, because it was a variation of an Ancient dialect, possible used as further security measurement.

By that time, Rodney wasn't even directly involved with it anymore because Woolsey had started belaboring the admittedly high energy consumption of the machine and Rodney soon had to realize that he wasn't just worrying about running out of energy, but started calculating at which point it would be more efficient to switch the machine off and hope John made it out alive.

Ronon had made it very clear that it was not an option. Teyla had been able to contain her own rage enough to keep him from attacking Woolsey, but in the end none of them had gotten more out of Woolsey than the promise to give them another two days.

Rodney had used those days to work non-stop until he couldn't keep his eyes open.

He was reaching that point again, he realized and made his way down to the lab to check on John.

He tried not to think too much about how John was doing, because there was nothing they could do for him at the moment. Watching the coffin—the _compartment_—only highlighted the fact, so he'd avoided the lab after Radek had taken over working directly on the machine.

When Rodney entered the lab, only Jennifer and a nurse were still present. It was very late, or rather early.

"Hey," she said when she saw him.

Rodney came closer where John now lay in the opened compartment, hooked up to the machine. He could have pretended it was like being in the infirmary, but he simply could not shake the feeling of it being a coffin, John's words still ringing in his ears.

John looked like when he'd lain down in the compartment, peaceful actually. At peace. Rodney tried to shake that image. John was _alive_. The steady beeping of the heart monitor they'd brought down was proof of that and Rodney knew they could get him out. They had to. John couldn't just die like this, on Atlantis, physically unharmed, so close and yet so far.

"We know what the machine does," Jennifer interrupted his thoughts.

He looked at her. At first, he'd desperately wanted to know what it was that had John so excited and sure that it was harmless to make him act so stupid, but the longer they couldn't get him out, the less interested Rodney was in what exactly it was. A flight simulator, communication device, virtual reality ... in the end, the only thing that mattered was that they got John out. At this point Rodney was ready to dump the thing into the ocean once John was safe. He still asked, "What?"

"It seems to be a training machine," Jennifer said.

Rodney had to snort. "A flight simulator," he guessed. That would be so Sheppard.

"It could maybe be used for that. But it's designed to simulate all kinds of situations."

"For days on end?" Rodney asked. He could imagine the Ancients desire to learn and improve, but the way the machine worked it wouldn't have lasted more than a month even when Atlantis still had access to ZedPMs.

"No," Jennifer quickly said. "That's the thing we haven't figured out yet. As far as we can tell, the machine is supposed to re-create a single scenario to 'play' through and then stop. We found files of that and while Radek hasn't been able to open any, we think they are recordings. There are thousands in the database, but they are all much smaller spaced over a longer period of time while we already have close to twelve hundred for Colonel Sheppard from the last couple of days."

"We can't interface with the device," Rodney recalled. He had discussed this with Radek the day before and the device seemed to have been designed to disallow tempering with what was happening between it and the occupant. "But looking at the recordings might help us—"

"Rodney!" Jennifer stopped him before he had even reached the console and the notebooks on it.

"What?"

"Go to bed," she said, gently but firmly.

"These files might show us what Sheppard is going through," he said.

"Yes, but even if we do, we won't be able to do anything about it, because we can't communicate with him, let alone help him. Radek will continue working on it first thing in the morning and you can help him if you want to, but for now you should sleep while I try to see what parts of his brain are effected in which way."

"What about you?" he asked. He knew that she must have spent every waking moment working on solving this too.

"I took a long nap this afternoon. I'm good for now." She pointed at the door. "Now go. I managed to make _Ronon_ go to bed. Don't think you'll be a challenge for me."

He had to smile at her. She smiled back.

Rodney nodded then stepped up to the compartment in which John lay still, learning whatever lessons the device came up with for him. Rodney hoped he was flying.

~~

Rodney woke with a start the next morning. After a second he realized that the door was chiming and checking the watch he saw that he'd slept almost seven hours. Like a rush the previous night and their current situation rushed into him.

"Shit," he cursed, stumbling out of bed.

The door chimed again and he went to open it, dread beginning to rise in him. It was Teyla.

One look at her told him that they had neither managed to free John, nor had he died. Teyla looked concerned though, which was a bad sign.

"I'm sorry. I thought I'd set my alarm," he said.

"You need to sleep," she said understandingly, stepping inside. "Mr. Woolsey has called a meeting."

"Has something happened?" Rodney asked.

Teyla hesitated for a moment. "Yes."

"What?"

"I think it would be best if you got dressed," she said, turning around to give him some privacy. "When I arrived at the lab this morning, Radek was there investigating a way to access the recordings the machine seems to take."

Rodney started to quickly dress. "Did he get them to work? I wanted to take a look at them yesterday but—"

"He managed to play them, yes."

"So what's Sheppard up to?" Rodney asked. His first guess was still flying. Although given Teyla's concern and knowing Sheppard it might be something worse. Maybe he was battling Wraith, again and again for the last week.

"I was able to see us going on a mission."

That sounded normal enough. Rodney sat down on the bed to tie his shoes.

"But it became apparent that the machine ... shows him more than missions."

Rodney sat up. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It appears that John also lives through ... private moments. At that point, we decided to not view the recordings in such a public manner. Jennifer and Dr. Matthews have taken over that task."

Rodney stood up, looking not exactly fresh but presentable. Private moments? He could only guess what that meant, and his guess involved semi-Ancient long-legged brunettes. He tried not to judge John for that because it wasn't as if Rodney couldn't understand choosing that experience given the chance. He still felt of pang of resentment as he always did when Sheppard did his Kirk thing. That it could possibly kill him this time didn't make it better either. He was half-glad he hadn't taken a look at the tapes last night. He didn't need to see those fantasies of Sheppard. And he was pretty sure that if John woke up, _when_ John woke up, he wouldn't be happy about others seeing it either.

Considering that, their resident psychologist and the CMO were probably the best choice to do it. Certainly better than Radek and his team.

"So what's the meeting about?" he asked, walking past Teyla and opening the door.

"I am not certain," she said, hesitating. "But there seem to have been developments since we left the lab."

Rodney nodded. He wanted to believe that developments meant good news but he was too much of a realist to count on it.

"Let's go," he said and made his way to Woolsey's office with Teyla.

~~

Seeing Matthews and Jennifer did nothing to ease the tension in Rodney. He didn't claim to read people very well, but he was sure now that he wouldn't like the developments that Teyla had mentioned.

"Ah, Dr. McKay," Woolsey welcomed him. He looked at the round, Jennifer and Matthews and John's team minus their leader, and then nodded at Jennifer to speak.

Rodney tried to brace himself.

"We have found out why Colonel Sheppard is stuck inside the training device," she said. "With the help of Dr. Zelenka, we've been able to take a look at the recordings—"

"A sample," Matthews threw in.

"Yes," Jennifer agreed. "There were far too many to check them all and also ..." She exchanged a look with Matthews and the bad feeling in Rodney's gut got worse. After a moment, Jennifer continued. "Like many devices on Atlantis the training machine is designed to be operated by thought. You think of the exercise scenario, run through it and then decide if you want to repeat it, modify it or leave the device."

"Which obviously doesn't work, because Sheppard is still _in_ the machine after a week," Rodney said, losing his patience. Jennifer and Matthews exchanged another look and it was driving Rodney up the wall.

"That's right. He's still in the machine because he hasn't signalled the end of the session," Matthews said.

Rodney wanted to shout, 'Why would he do that?' when a horrible thought suddenly occurred to him. "He doesn't want to leave?"

Beside him Teyla looked as shocked by the idea, but Jennifer quickly re-assured them.

"No! I mean," she exchanged another look with Matthews, and Rodney was ready to scream. "The reason John isn't leaving the machine is that he does not know that he is _in_ it."

"What?" Rodney said.

"I do not understand," Teyla said. "You mentioned he had to initiate the training exercise."

"Yes," Jennifer said, "but—"

"He thinks it's real," Ronon said.

They all turned to him.

"Ronon's right," Jennifer said.

She looked at Matthews who began his explanation: "There is no limit to the scenarios that the machine can cover. We have looked at some of the lessons in the database and they ranged from more traditional things like meditation and fighting to one person trying to ask someone out on a date."

Jennifer smiled weakly at him. "You can use it for _anything_ and this is what must have happened. Teyla, you are right. John must have initialized the machine and done so consciously, but if his scenario was too general—"

"Like 'Let me see how to best deal with life in the Pegasus Galaxy'," Matthews interjected.

"—the simulation would be indistinguishable from real life."

Rodney still didn't get how this could have happened. "He must have known it wasn't real when he entered the machine. Why would he suddenly forget this? Why would the machine _let_ him forget if it _depends_ on the user to stop it?"

"We're not quite sure about this, but we took a look at the very first recording and it starts with John waking up in the infirmary, which would explain why he thought he'd never ended up _in_ the machine. We don't know _why_ that was the first scene the device chose. Maybe because you had discussed the danger of Ancient devices before he entered it."

Rodney couldn't believe this. Their stupid talk—_his_ stupid talk—might be the reason that John was stuck in the machine now. "What does this mean?" he asked, because ultimately what had happened didn't matter. The important thing was what they could do to save John.

"Since he does not know that he needs to switch off the machine, _we_ will have to get him out," Jennifer said.

"So switch him off after all," Rodney said, sparing a glance at Woolsey and then looking at Teyla and Ronon. They all knew the risks of it.

"When can you have a team ready, Dr. Keller? What equipment will you need?" Woolsey asked her.

"I've already arranged for everything to be brought to the lab. We can do it as soon as this meeting is over."

"What are .... What are his chances?" Teyla asked.

Jennifer turned to her and Rodney's insides turned to stone. "I ... I honestly don't know. He could be perfectly fine and up and about in a matter of minutes. Or he could be instantly dead. We have no way of knowing how the machine will react to being switched off."

"We can't analyze that part of the machine while it's running," Rodney added, remembering how they'd tried in the beginning.

"Death is only the worst-case scenario," Jennifer said. "At the moment, I expect I'll have to perform surgery to remove the wires from his brain and then we'll have to assess the damage."

Which wasn't very re-assuring to Rodney. Even on Atlantis, brain surgery wasn't a common occurrence exactly. But it didn't seem as if they had a choice.

Woolsey looked at the silent round. "I believe we should get to it."

"There's one more thing," Matthews said.

Rodney wanted to groan in frustration. They were going to do what amounted to playing Russian roulette with John's life and now there was _more_?

"When we looked at Colonel Sheppard's recordings we noticed that they cover a significantly longer time than he's been trapped in the machine," Matthews said.

"What's 'significantly'?" Rodney asked.

"By the time we get him out it will be around a year," Matthews said.

"A year?!" Rodney tried to imagine what this meant. He remembered how Sheppard had been stuck in the time dilation field. He had never really talked about that time, but Rodney suspected that he didn't look back on it fondly. This time John wasn't alone, but on the other hand, Rodney couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be told that the last year did not happen. Their experience with the Asurans had been horrible enough and that had only been a few hours that weren't real.

"Yes," Jennifer confirmed. "And we've discussed ...." She looked at Matthews.

"Telling Colonel Sheppard what has happened would be traumatic in _any_ case. However with the added complication of brain surgery ...."

"You can't be serious," Rodney said. "Are you saying that even if he isn't instantly killed and survives the brain surgery, the shock could kill him?" He was used to things going wrong time and again, but this really took the cake.

"As Dr. Keller said, we don't _know_ how much brain damage—"

"What Alex is saying is that to be on the safe side, we should not tell Colonel Sheppard _immediately_ that what he believes happened in the last year was just a simulation," Jennifer finished for him.

"If it lowers the risk of harm coming to him, we should proceed that way," Woolsey agreed.

Jennifer and Matthews exchanged another look and Rodney _knew_ that wasn't all, even though it was hard to imagine that it could get worse. But then things could always get worse.

"What?" he simply asked.

Jennifer and Matthews turned to him. "There are certain things that happened during the simulation that did not happen here during the last week."

"I will keep Torren away from him," Teyla said.

"Thank you, Teyla," Jennifer said, giving her a quick smile. "For the most part, the differences as we noted them will have no impact on Colonel Sheppard when he wakes up. I will definitely keep him under observation even in the best-case scenario, so he isn't likely to run into a soldier that has returned to Earth in the simulation. We really only need to keep up this charade while he stays in the infirmary, however there is one significant difference in his life—the simulated life—that we need to deal with." She looked at Matthews.

"Oh, for god's sake, spit it out," Rodney said.

Matthews and Jennifer looked at him and there was something in their eyes that he couldn't quite place. He wouldn't apologize for yelling, though, because they were trying his patience when his best friend was switch of a button away from having his brain fried.

"John is in a relationship," Jennifer said, still looking at him. "In the simulation," she added more quietly.

Relationship. Rodney had to process that because when he'd thought about half-ascended priestesses earlier he hadn't considered this.

"How long?" Teyla asked.

"Over eight months," Matthews said, eyes shifting from Teyla back to Rodney.

God. Eight months didn't have to be long for a relationship, for John though it was an eternity. This was serious. Rodney had a moment of irrational jealousy until he realized what this meant. John had entered what had to be the first serious relationship since probably his wife and now they'd have to tell him it was all fake.

Rodney felt sick.

"Who is it?" Ronon asked.

Rodney hadn't even considered that. Was it someone the machine had made up for John? Was it someone that John had harbored feelings for before? For some reason he hoped it was the first. If John woke up, only to find out that his girlfriend wasn't— Suddenly something occurred to him. "You want to _tell_ her? So that she can play along?"

"We won't have a choice if we want to keep it from him," Jennifer said.

Rodney's mind jumped to every possible candidate. There were a few of his scientists John had flirted with. He tried to imagine having to tell one of them that Sheppard believed they had a relationship and that they had to play along. It sounded like a bad soap opera plot. And then they'd fall in love for real and live happily ever after. Rodney knew that he should be happy about that prospect, for his friend. But somehow he only felt hollow. He chalked it up to the fact that they didn't even know if John would live.

"Who is it?" Woolsey repeated Ronon's question.

Rodney found himself holding his breath.

"Rodney," Jennifer said.

"I'm listening," he said.

"She meant it's you," Matthews said.

Rodney blinked. The scenario that he'd just imagined, a beautiful, smart scientist waiting at John's bedside to play his loving girlfriend, suddenly shifted into .... He needed to sit.

Ronon and Teyla were suddenly behind him, holding him up.

"Rodney, are you all right?" Jennifer came up to him, ready to start an examination, but he waved her off.

"I'm fine. I just .... You're saying Sheppard believes he's been in a relationship with _me_."

"For over eight months, yes," Matthews confirmed.

Rodney still didn't get how that was possible. "How ...?"

"We did not look at all the recordings," Jennifer said. "We wanted to respect his privacy as well as we could. But I don't think it will be necessary to know anything specific. He will simply expect you to be at his side when he wakes up—which you'd be anyway—and if he says something or ... does something, you simply need to accept it." Before Rodney could even contemplate what she meant by "doing something", she continued, "And I will step in and have to examine him once he's awake anyway. You don't have to do anything but _not_ act surprised when he behaves as if you were ... in a relationship."

"Okay. I can do that," Rodney said, still reeling from what the whole situation.

"That should be all," Matthews said and Rodney breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"One moment," Woolsey said.

Rodney dropped his face and covered it with his hands.

"I do not want to delay this any longer than necessary, but I believe you said Colonel Sheppard was going on missions with his team in the simulation—_this_ team," Woolsey said, looking at Ronon, Rodney and Teyla.

"Yes," Matthews said.

"Since that is an obvious violation of both 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' _and_ fraternization rules, I assume I did not know about this relationship. The me in the simulation," Woolsey clarified.

"You're bringing up protocol about something that happened in a _simulation_ while Colonel Sheppard might be _dying_?!" Rodney asked.

"I am merely asking to decide whether I should stay in my office. I had planned on being in the infirmary as well when Colonel Sheppard wakes up, but I would imagine having to hide a relationship would only add to the stress that we wish to avoid for him," Woolsey said.

"Uh, that is ...." Rodney began.

"That is very thoughtful of you," Teyla said, giving him a quick smile.

Yes, that was the word that Rodney had been looking for. It was more thoughtful than he would have imagined from Woolsey.

"And unnecessary," Matthews said. "I do recall a moment that heavily implied that you knew about the relationship."

"I did?" Woolsey asked.

"Yes," Jennifer confirmed.

Woolsey looked at the round. "I believe _that_ was really all. Shall we proceed?"

Jennifer nodded and tapped her ear piece to inform her team that they were coming. Radek announced through the radio that he was ready too.

Teyla lightly touched Rodney's arm and Ronon put a hand on his shoulder. Then they walked off to hopefully save their team leader and friend.

~~

The first thing John noticed when he woke up was that someone was apparently trying to use a jackhammer inside his head. The next thing he noticed was that he was very thirsty. Too thirsty for a normal morning. The third thing that John noticed was that it seemed like an incredible effort to open his eyes.

Fuck.

He didn't know what was going on, but he'd felt good when he'd gone to bed last night. He and Rodney had joked a bit, then made out a bit and then decided that they were too wiped to get frisky. Now he felt like he'd gone through a fight with a dragon and been left for dead for a week.

He couldn't hear any sounds distinct enough to tell him where he was, though it didn't _feel_ like his quarters. He tried to open his eyes again, forcing himself and not trying to think about the fact that if that was such an effort, escape—should it be necessary—was probably out of the question. Before he could think about how he'd gotten here and where the others were—hopefully safe—he needed to find out where "here" was.

His eyes finally opened and he recognized the familiar ceiling and walls of the infirmary. Thank god.

He looked to the side of the infirmary to find Rodney sitting by his bedside, typing on his notebook. He smiled and turned his head, just a bit because his whole body felt weak. It was enough to alert Rodney that he was awake.

"John," he said, looking surprised.

Behind him Teyla suddenly appeared and disappeared. Then there was a bit of rustling and a "Huh" from Ronon.

"We didn't expect you to wake up so soon," Rodney said. He looked a bit helpless.

John wanted to take him in his arms and reassure him. Whatever had happened, he was going to be fine. Since actually lifting his arm was unfeasible at the moment, John stretched out his fingers and after a moment of hesitation Rodney clasped his fingers with John's.

John smiled at him and then at Ronon and Teyla who had come to stand behind Rodney.

"How are you feeling?" Teyla asked.

"Thirsty," John managed to croak.

Teyla quickly filled up a glass of water and they elevated the head of the bed until he was sitting upright. Rodney held the glass to let him drink and while his head still felt like someone was doing heavy construction inside, John felt strong enough to lift his hand and put it on Rodney's wrist.

Rodney looked at the hand and swallowed. Then he turned his attention back to where John was finishing up the glass of water. Something was wrong.

"Rodney?" John asked when Rodney pulled away to set the glass aside.

After a moment of hesitation, Rodney turned to him, a forced smile on his face. John wasn't sure anymore if he even wanted to know what had happened. He was on Atlantis and he and his team were okay. Maybe he could pretend that was all that mattered for now, even as visions of an invasion of Atlantis tried to edge into his brain.

He lifted his hand again, holding onto Rodney's arm as soon as he came closer. He didn't want to ask what was wrong, but he wanted to comfort Rodney anyway. He tried to convey with his eyes that things would be okay and pulled on Rodney's sleeve until Rodney got the message and with a nervous flicker of his eyes towards Teyla and Ronon leaned down. John wanted to tease him and ask where his sudden shyness came from, but then Rodney was close enough to kiss, so John did just that.

The kiss had hardly started when there was a cough coming from behind Rodney.

"Well, it seems you're up and about Colonel," Keller said with a smile. She looked like someone had gotten her out of bed.

Rodney pulled back and out of the way and John wanted to tell him to stay, but then Keller was there and starting her examination. John sighed. Time to do the responsible thing.

"What happened?" he asked.

"You had a little run-in with an Ancient device," she said.

"The last thing I remember was going to bed," he said, frowning.

"Yes. That's one of the effects. You're doing much better than I'd hoped."

He looked over her shoulder to see Rodney smiling at Teyla and Ronon in relief. Then he turned to John and John's heart skipped a beat as it still did when Rodney looked like that at him. He smiled back at Rodney, trying to convey what he wasn't very good at putting into words: that he was happy, that he was grateful for being with Rodney, that he loved him.

Rodney's smile faded into the expression that John remembered from their very first day on Atlantis when they'd seen the ocean through the window and Rodney had admitted that it was impressive.

Keller finished her check-up. "Colonel?"

John turned to look at her.

"You're doing very well, considering the circumstances, but you'll need to rest now. I'll give you something against the pain," John nodded when she said that, grateful that he didn't even have to ask for it, "and then I want you to sleep."

He looked at Rodney.

"We'll all be here when you wake up," Keller said. She was getting her command tone of voice and he nodded.

The pain medication was a relief. John held out his hand, and Rodney came and took it, sitting back down at his bedside.

John smiled as he drifted off to sleep. Everything was going to be okay.

~~

Woolsey arrived shortly after John had drifted off to sleep. Rodney was still holding John's hand and he didn't want to lose that contact, then berated himself for feeling that way and got up to join their discussion.

"I will have to do more extensive tests in the morning and scan his brain again, but it looks very good so far," Jennifer informed them, visibly happy. "It looks like Colonel Sheppard will be able to make a full recovery. I might be able to release him from the infirmary in just a few days."

"That is wonderful news," Teyla said, looking over to John with a smile.

Matthews, who'd come down shortly after Jennifer, didn't look as happy as the others. "This is great news, obviously," he began.

"But ...." Rodney prompted.

"I'm not sure his emotional recovery will be as quick as that."

"You don't think we should tell him the truth?" Woolsey asked.

"We will have to. No matter _when_ we do it, it will be extraordinarily ... I won't say traumatic, although that _might_ be the case."

"You think we should wait," Ronon concluded.

"I'm not sure. I think we should wait for Dr. Keller's test results from the second scan to make a decision on that. And I want you to be prepared for when we tell Colonel Sheppard the truth. He will have sessions with me for the foreseeable future, but I'd like to invite you to come to me as well. This will be trying for all of us, especially you," he said, looking at Rodney, Ronon and Teyla.

"When do you think he will wake up again?" Woolsey asked.

"A couple of hours," Jennifer said. "I'll let you know."

"Thank you," Woolsey said. He nodded at them and left.

"Would any of you like to talk, ask questions?" Matthews asked.

They shook their heads.

"Then I'll go back to bed too," he said. As he left, he looked at John and said, "This might be a good moment to get some sleep."

"Night, Alex," Jennifer called after him.

Ronon went back to the gurney he'd occupied before.

"I believe I will check in with Torren and try to get some sleep," Teyla said.

"Of course, Teyla. We'll let you know when he wakes up again," Jennifer said.

Teyla looked at John once more and left.

"I will go and fall asleep at my desk," Jennifer said, looking at Rodney questioningly.

"I'll ... stay," he said.

She nodded and gave him a smile before turning to disappear in her office.

Rodney walked over where John lay. He sat back down on the chair, watching him sleep, the hand still where it had been. There was no one around but Rodney still hesitated before he covered John's hand with his.

He was terrible at lying, especially with something like this and with _John_ who arguably knew him better than anyone else. He knew that John had sensed that something was wrong, but he'd trusted Rodney.

More than that, he _loved_ Rodney. While Jennifer had performed the surgery and afterwards when they'd waited for him to wake up, Rodney had tried to imagine what it had to have been like for John, to anticipate his reactions when he woke up, but he hadn't expected that _look_.

Rodney had never seen him so unguarded and the depth of feelings in John's eyes in that moment, had caught Rodney's breath and still made something in his heart twist now when he was just thinking about it. He'd hoped that they wouldn't have to keep up the charade for long, because he was so bad at it, but now Rodney couldn't help feeling that the alternative was worse.

He wasn't sure how John would react, but he knew that he wouldn't be the person who'd felt so happy that he'd been able to look at Rodney like that even when he was so weak and had to be in enormous pain. It was heart-breaking to think about what this would do to John and Rodney wished they could wipe his mind so that he wouldn't have to live with the loss. And while they were at it, he'd wipe his own mind too because the way John had looked at him .... He didn't think he was every going to get that out of his head either.

It was humbling and it made him want to keep John safe and happy and able to always look like that at him.

But Rodney knew it wasn't possible and it was only a matter of time until they'd have to tell John the truth and he'd retreat back into himself like he always did when he had to deal with something that nobody should ever have to deal with.

Rodney lightly stroked John's hand, watching him as long as he still could look so peaceful.

~~

When John woke up again, he still felt tired and his mind was a bit fuzzy, but the headaches had subsided to a numb aching that was bearable. The lights were dimmed but he could feel Rodney holding his hand, and when John opened his eyes, he saw Rodney's head on the bed, drooling slightly.

John smiled. Then he winced inwardly because that position was going to be hell on Rodney back, and right now, he probably wasn't up to giving him a proper massage.

He just watched Rodney sleep for a moment. Then he moved his other hand to his head—which went much easier than before—and started stroking.

"Hey," he whispered. "I'm pretty thirsty and at some point in the not too distant future, I'll probably have to use the bathroom."

Rodney only moved a bit, face squinched up in irritation.

"Come on, sunshine. Wake up," John said a bit louder, running his hand through his hair more deliberately.

Rodney blinked, then suddenly sat straight up, dislodging John's hand. "I was just resting my eyes for a second."

John snorted. "For a second you've got an impressive sleep wrinkle there," he said, lifting his hand to run a finger along where a fold in the sheet had imprinted on Rodney's cheek.

Instead of glaring at him as John had expected, Rodney got that look again and John's unease about what they weren't telling him returned with a vengeance.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked, cupping Rodney's face.

For a moment, Rodney just looked at him with wide eyes, then he minutely moved into John's hand, dropping his gaze.

"I'm fine," John said, stroking Rodney's cheek with his thumb.

Rodney didn't look at him. "I should ...."

"Rodney," John said gently.

"The others .... I should tell the others," Rodney said, still not looking at John.

"Rodney," John said a bit more forcefully. Rodney of all people should know that there was no point in coddling him.

But Rodney put his hand on John's wrist and squeezed once before pulling away. "I'll be back in a moment." He got up and turned, and John called his name one more time, but Rodney walked away, shouted, "Hey Ronon!" and then was off towards Keller's office.

John looked after Rodney, frowning. He didn't like this at all. He'd woken up in the infirmary in much worse shape and still Rodney felt the need to keep something from him.

"Hey," Ronon said, from beside the bed.

John turned to him. "Are _you_ going to tell me what happened?" he asked, hoping that Ronon might show mercy with him.

"You got stuck in a machine and we got you out," Ronon said.

Which was a no.

"' you feeling better?" Ronon asked.

John thought about this for a moment, trying to catalogue the state of his various body parts. "Yeah," he said. "I do." He smiled at Ronon. "Hey, come on. Help me up. I bet I can stand alone."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Keller said I was doing much better than expected. And I feel great." He moved the cover aside and swung his legs out of bed. Maybe that would convince Rodney that things were going to be fine.

Ronon bent down and allowed John to put an arm around his shoulder. Then he moved up and John stood. He slowly moved his arm from Ronon's shoulder.

He was a bit wobbly on his feet, but didn't fall. "See?" he said, smiling brightly.

Ronon just snorted.

"Let me try to walk around a bit." He took a tentative step, Ronon right behind him to catch him if he fell.

After a while of this, where he only stumbled once, it occurred to John that Rodney's 'back in a moment' had already taken very long. He decided to make his way towards Keller's office.

When they came closer—Ronon was still at his side just in case—John could hear that there was an argument going on.

"But he _already_ knows that something is wrong," he heard Rodney say. "The point of this was not to upset him. You think _lying_ to him _won't_ upset him."

"Let's discuss this with Alex first, okay?" Keller said.

"We don't have a choice. You know as well as I do that we have to tell him the truth eventually, and knowing that we waited will just upset him more."

John opened the door. "So tell me," he said.

"John!"

"You shouldn't be up and about," Keller said, rushing towards him.

"I'm fine. I even walked here alone," he said.

"And you _let_ him," Keller said, giving Ronon a glare, before turning to check on John.

"I _really_ do feel okay," John said. "But I'd feel better if you'd finally tell me what's going on." After a moment's thought, he added, "Will I?"

Rodney looked at Keller and Ronon, and the corners of his mouths turned downward. John couldn't bear it. Whatever it was, it couldn't be so bad. Rodney sometimes had a way of making things much worse than they were, _especially_ where health was concerned.

John made his way over to Rodney. Keller let him.

"I'm fine," he said once again. "I'm not dying. I mean, the thing you're not telling me is not that I'm dying, is it?" He was pretty confident about that. Rodney was upset, but not _that_ upset. Besides he didn't feel at all like he would be dying.

"No," Rodney said but wouldn't meet his eyes.

John cupped his face with both hands and turned Rodney's face towards him until Rodney was looking at him again. "Then it will be fine. _We'll_ be fine," he said, because that was what mattered, and sometimes Rodney forgot that.

"John ...." Rodney began, seeming so desperate that John did what always managed to ground Rodney. He leaned forward and brought their lips together.

Rodney didn't return the kiss at first, but John was persistent, and eventually, Rodney responded, his lips moving against John's, still tentative and careful, but it was a start.

"Where is Colonel— Oh," Woolsey said from behind him.

John had to grin and pulled away. He looked at Rodney, but if anything Rodney looked _more_ distressed. "Hey. Rodney."

But Rodney looked past him to the others. "We _have_ to tell him," he pleaded.

John worried about him and about what must have happened for Rodney to be so desperate. He looked at the others too, their expressions mirroring Rodney on a much less intense level, but it was there. John's gaze suddenly stuck on Keller. Her hair. Something was different with her hair.

"How long was I in the machine?" he asked, dread suddenly rising in him.

"We _have_ to tell him. Please, Jennifer," Rodney said to her and they exchanged a look that sent a chill through John. He took a step back.

"You and ...." Before he could even finish that though in his mind, Rodney closed the distance between them.

"No!" he assured John, lifting his hand, but obviously not knowing where to put it. As if he didn't have the right to touch John.

Matthews came in that moment. "Should he be up and about?"

"We're telling him," Rodney said before Keller could answer.

"Tell me what!" John shouted, no longer able to take this.

"You'll go _back_ into your bed and _then_ we will tell you," Keller said, commanding enough that John knew better than to argue.

He made his way back to his bed, aware of everyone's eyes on him and wishing that Rodney would stay closer. John wanted to believe his own words, that they'd be okay, but every little moment with Rodney since he'd woken up told him that whatever had happened would affect them, their _relationship_.

He tried to tell himself that whatever it was they'd be able to work it out. They'd always been able to work things out between them. They loved each other. John didn't think there was anything that could change that. He didn't _want_ to think there could be.

He settled back down on the bed and looked at them. Keller and Matthews were standing next to him. Then Ronon and Woolsey. Rodney stood at the end of the bed, looking sad and wary.

Teyla joined them then, looking so compassionate that John could no longer doubt that whatever they were going to tell him would change his life for the worse.

"How long was I in the machine?" he asked again, because that was the most logical explanation. He didn't think it could have been _too_ long because his muscles were still working okay, but even a month or two could change a lot. There could be a new commanding officer on Atlantis for all he knew. Maybe they were only waiting to tell John that he had to return to Earth.

"A week," Keller said.

"A week," John repeated. Which was a long time to be unconscious, but hardly life-changing. He'd had infirmary stays that were longer. He was sure Lorne had things under control for a week. So it had to be something else. "What happened? Where did we find that machine in the first place? The last mission I remember being planned was just for trading."

"The machine is on Atlantis," Rodney said. "In the secret lab that we found."

"Which secret lab? We haven't had one of those in a while," John said.

"Do you remember the last time you explored it?" Matthews asked.

"Which one? We found a couple in the beginning and then two after that."

"The one close to the South-West pier," Woolsey said.

John thought about it. That had been the last they'd found. "I don't know. Maybe about a year ago. A little less. But that machine didn't work, and Rodney didn't find anything else. There was no reason for me to go back in there. Or was there?"

"What do you remember about that time?" Matthews asked.

John frowned. He didn't know what he was getting at, though it was obvious that his predicament had something to do with the machine. "We had found the lab and Rodney wanted to check it out, so we went down there. It was just the three of us because Torren was still just a handful." He smiled fondly at Teyla who smiled back. "So Teyla was with him while the rest of us checked out the lab, I tried to start the machine, but the thing fused out on us, I woke up in the infirmary and ... actually, I can't remember, but I guess Rodney tried to get it to work but didn't manage. Either way, as far as I know we never did anything with it. Rodney?"

Rodney didn't answer and instead looked at the others. Keller and Matthews nodded and Woolsey said, "Perhaps it would be best if _you_ told him."

Rodney gave him a look as if to say, 'Thanks a lot,' then turned to look at John. "It did work."

"Really? You got it to work, I got in and got stuck?" John asked.

"No," Rodney said. He hesitated for a moment, mouth skewing unhappily. "When you tried it that first time."

John frowned. "It did not. It switched on, yeah, but then I woke up in the infirmary and you yelled at me for being an idiot. I do remember _that_."

"What did you ask it to do?" Rodney asked.

"The machine? It's been a year, I don't know. I just thought 'teach me' at it. That's what it was supposed to do. At least, I was sure it was."

"It is," Rodney confirmed. "And it did. Until we got you out twelve hours ago."

"Twelve hours ago? When did I get back in there?"

"John," Teyla took over. "You never left the machine."

He looked from her to Rodney. He didn't get it. "You said I was only stuck for a week, not a year."

"There was no year," Rodney said quietly. "You got stuck in the machine and while we tried to get you out, the machine showed you how you woke up and went on missions and .... All _inside_ the machine."

That ... couldn't be. John shook his head. "I remember .... We went on a mission to P3X-367 after I woke up. It was a pretty dull mission, but they had excellent cake."

"Our mission to P3X-367 is scheduled for the week after next," Rodney said.

"That's not .... That can't be true. Is this an alternative universe? Because that seems more plausible than .... You're saying I _made up_ going on that mission and everyone after that?"

"Not you, the machine," Rodney said sadly.

"Based on your personal experience and all available data," Matthews added.

"I can remember ...." John stopped unable to explain how insane they sounded. They were trying to tell him it was a year ago. "Everything, okay? Not just bits and pieces. My _life_. And you're saying none of that happened. You're saying—" Suddenly he looked at Rodney. It hadn't even occurred to him before because it felt like they'd been together forever, but now John remembered that a year ago he hadn't yet asked Rodney out on a date, they hadn't been on _that_ mission, John hadn't even quite admitted to himself that he was in love with Rodney.

And Rodney hadn't been in love with him.

Rodney looked at him, so pained that it was John's instinct to take him in his arms. But he couldn't. Because they didn't do that. They'd never done that. "Rodney," he said, somehow hoping that Rodney would tell him it wasn't true, that the life that they'd built together wasn't just a dream.

"I'm sorry," Rodney said, and in that moment John knew it was true.

~~

"The good news is that he's physically fine. The fail safe mechanism of the machine worked better than we'd thought. The latest scans show no brain damage whatsoever. He's just not up to his full strength from lying in the machine for a week, but physically there is no reason not to release him."

Physically. Rodney looked over at where John lay. Keller had sedated him after they'd told him the truth. The fact that John hadn't protested told him everything he needed to know about how bad it was.

They'd taken away a year of John's life. Worse than that, judging from just the glimpse of John he'd gotten in the last hours, it had been a very good year for John. Even when he'd known that something was wrong he'd been hopeful. He'd almost seemed more worried about Rodney than himself.

The really fucked up thing—or one of them—was that Rodney couldn't remember any of his previous girlfriends taking care of him like that. His imagined relationship with John seemed to be better than any real one he ever had.

Rodney stepped away from where Alex was droning on about how difficult this would be for John. Nothing any of them could say or do would make this better for John, because none of them had the power to give John back what he had lost.

He sat down next to John's bed and took his hand again. He wished he could make this easier on John. He wished he could say, 'You know what? I _do_ love you. We can be together here too, for real.' And he did love John. But he was straight and hadn't even kissed another guy until a few hours ago—Cadman kissing Carson in his body didn't count.

The kiss had been ... painful. Even though he'd never thought about John in that way, Rodney had been able to feel the love in his kiss. It had been comfort and encouragement, a reminder of how they felt and where they were coming from. It had been as if Rodney could taste a bit of their history in that kiss and the fact that it wasn't real had filled him with yearning—on John's behalf and even a bit for himself.

The break-up with Katie had shown him that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He needed the time to find out what he really wanted in life, but half a year later, he couldn't say that he'd made any progress. The few moments with John had felt as if they'd cracked that puzzle, as if John had all the answers.

Except that the answers were all wrong.

It had felt comfortable to be with John, and given the strain of their situation that said a lot. But despite, what they'd had to hide from John, Rodney had been aware of how natural it had felt to be held by John, kissed and touched. It had touched something inside of him, even if the main variable of the equation was wrong.

This wasn't about him though. The fact that he didn't know himself enough to know what kind of relationship with what kind of person he could hope to attain was insignificant compared to what John had to go through in the next days, weeks, probably months.

They'd all be there for him of course. Alex seemed to almost look forward to this interesting case, and he knew that Ronon and Teyla would do anything in their power to help John. And Rodney would do all that John asked of him.

Though he feared that John wouldn't ask any of them for help. And Rodney wouldn't even be able to blame him.

It wasn't as if any of them could do something that would actually make a difference.

~~

"I'll see you tomorrow," Matthews said, smiling encouragingly at John.

"Yes," John answered, managing to smile back. Once he was out the door, the smile vanished from his face.

It had been a week and Matthews still hadn't cleared him for active duty. John was tempted to ask what exactly he feared would happen on a mission. That John would suddenly break down and cry, weeping for a life that never existed?

John was a pragmatist in such things. And the simple truth was that what he'd "lost" had never existed in the first place. It was just like waking up from a dream and realizing it hadn't been real—a very, very long dream. Long and detailed. John could still remember too much.

He spent a lot of his time separating his "memories" into real and not real. He had a mental list of missions that they still had to go on. Then there was the list of personnel changes that never happened. People that had never really come to Atlantis and those that hadn't left. There was one team that had died in his virtual year. Seeing them up and about would have been the last physical proof if John had needed it. By that time he'd seen Torren though, still small and fragile and not the larger, energetic bundle he'd become accustomed to.

There was surprisingly little he'd had to adjust to in personal terms. His friendship with Ronon hadn't changed over the virtual year. And he'd already talked to Teyla. In his virtual year she hadn't been sure whether to stay on the team. He'd tried to be understanding but looking back he realized that he'd pressured her too much and unnecessarily so. This time around he'd told her that he knew what a difficult decision it was and that he would give her all the time that she needed and that if she needed a different arrangement, maybe her only going on every other mission, they could talk about that too.

She had been grateful, but after a moment told him that she would return to the team to support him. "You don't have to do this for me. You have to do it for yourself," he'd said.

"I am doing it for you and myself and my son and everyone in this galaxy," she'd said.

They'd done the Athosian forehead thing then, and John was fair enough to admit at least in that regard the experience in the machine had actually taught him something useful.

Teyla had hesitated again afterwards before asking what the Teyla in his virtual life had decided. "If you are willing to share," she'd added. "I would understand if you preferred to keep it private."

"You made the same choice," he'd said. "But it took you longer to make the decision."

Teyla had seemed pleased.

Nobody else asked about what their virtual counterparts had been like in the machine. He got a few curious glances, but most people didn't know him well enough to ask him. Ronon was too reality bound to be interested and Rodney ....

His relationship with Rodney was the biggest change between his virtual life and the real one. It was also the simplest to categorize. They weren't together because Rodney didn't love him. It wasn't easy to forget either because Rodney had a nervous energy about him when he was around John, filling any silence with talk about his latest project or meaningless observations.

John was aware in every second that they were in the same room that they weren't together. The only times that he didn't were those first moments when he woke up and wondered why he wasn't in his new quarters with Rodney at his side.

The first morning that had happened after Keller had released him, he'd gone for a run without Ronon, trying to burn off his anger and frustration. He'd ended up on the East Pier, remembering how he and Rodney sometimes came out here to drink a beer and talk and how sometimes they ended up making out.

He'd wanted to scream then. He'd lived for years in ignorant bliss, perfectly able to leave his growing feelings for Rodney unacknowledged. And then the machine had to come along, not only making him realize how he felt, but also _showing_ him, in great detail, what his life would be like if Rodney returned his feelings. It would have been bad enough to be in love with Rodney without any hope of it ever being requited.

But to be able to "remember" what it was like? The little hitch in Rodney's breath when he sucked on his neck. The casual secret smile when they saw each other. The way Rodney said his name when John went down on him. All the little and big things in their life. It was torture.

Why show him something that he would never have? John had no doubt about that unfortunately. Rodney had turned him down in the virtual training session too when he'd first asked him out. But John had seen the look on Rodney's face when they'd told him. He _wanted_ to help John. He wanted to be able to be the person he'd been in the virtual machine—for John. But he couldn't.

They were friends and that was what they were going to be again. Still, actually, because as John had to remind himself, they'd never _really_ been more than friends.

It would be easier given some time. John held on to that thought. It would be easier. He'd eventually be able to forget what had happened. What _hadn't_ happened. There had never been anything. He hadn't actually _lost_ anything.

Actually, he'd gained a year of his life back. Nobody had died. Nothing bad at all had happened. He'd been stuck in a machine for a week, but that was nothing really in the big scheme of things.

Now if only Matthews would let him go back on mission, he'd be fine and could finally go on with his life.

The real one.

~~

Nine days after John had woken up, he'd finally worn down Matthews enough to let him go on missions again.

John was ecstatic. Ronon was almost as happy and even Teyla and Rodney seemed glad, even though they hadn't been quite as anxious to go back in the field.

Going through the gate again with his team was wonderful and in that moment, John told himself that _this_ was what mattered and that he didn't need anything else in life.

Then they came out on the other said and John had to stop right in his tracks. Teyla walked into him.

"Sheppard?" Ronon asked, taking out his sidearm, alarmed.

"It's nothing," John said. "Just ... very similar to ...." He stopped himself. He'd told himself to _forget_ about his virtual life and concentrate on the here and now. Of course, that wasn't exactly easy when you suddenly had a sense of déjà-vu that lasted not just a second but well on their way to the village.

"Is something wrong?" Teyla asked, her face showing her concern.

"It looks pretty much exactly like it did in the training machine," he answered. And it made him uneasy.

Rodney perked up at that. "It does? I've been wondering what sources the machine used for your 'life' inside the machine." Then he flushed. "Not that I ... I mean I know, it's none of my business, and Woolsey said, not unreasonably, that as useful as the machine might be, it's both too risky and uses far too much energy to be of practical value, but I'd been curious ...." He trailed off.

John hadn't really thought about _how_ the machine had come to create the life to him. He knew that it had drawn things from his memory, otherwise it couldn't have gotten the people so right, but it hadn't occurred to him that the factual information, like missions to go on—beyond what had already been planned when John had been stuck, had to come from somewhere.

"I don't know," he said to Rodney. "But this looks very much like I remem— like it was in the machine. Except that fallen tree a way back."

"Well, that probably happened not too long ago. Zelenka and I have speculated that it accessed all databases on Atlantis to create your ... experience as accurately as possible. The interesting thing about that is that we _still_ haven't gone through it all and translated it. The information that is in the main database for gate travel is only very vague, so to have gotten this right it must have accessed more than that and probably cross-referenced several sources to put together a very close representation."

"Do you believe we could do the same?" Teyla asked.

"Would be nice to have a map," Ronon said. "Terrain, roads, buildings."

"I, uh. I don't know of any maps, at least not in a format that we can read. Maybe it's something we could look into. And to answer your question, Teyla: if we can find all the necessary data, then theoretically we could get as accurate a picture as the machine gave. However, that would likely use up as much energy as the machine used."

"I understand," Teyla said.

"We don't need a completely accurate picture," John said. In theory, it would be nice to have, but it wasn't a necessity and right now, knowing exactly what to expect on the next turn creeped John out. "But simple maps would be good. We wouldn't have to send out as many UAVs and could plan ahead better."

Rodney nodded.

They went on in silence and John noted that there wasn't the easy banter between the team that they tended to have on missions that were as simple as this one. He knew that his own tension probably bled through to the others but he couldn't quite relax. Paradoxically he was more wary about what to expect than he would have been if he hadn't had any idea.

They eventually arrived at the village and John was relieved to see that while the buildings looked similar and the clothing of the inhabitants did too, the actual people were different. He managed to relax a bit after that. They went through the motions of trade negotiations. Teyla did most of the talking. Ronon was bored. And Rodney was very quiet. When John looked at him, he caught Rodney watching him and quickly looking away.

This was going to get old very fast. He was glad that the way Rodney behaved made it impossible for John's mind to slip up and think they were together, but on the other hand with the way he acted they were miles from what things had been like between them before. And that seemed to be everyone's goal, to have it all be "normal" again.

John ignored it for now though. He didn't think he could just tell Rodney to cut it out and make him stop and even if he could, this wasn't the time or place.

On the way back they were a bit more relaxed. Teyla chatted about the trade agreement and John noted, "Let's hope their beans are better than the ones from P3X-883."

Everyone went silent suddenly. Right. P3X-883 was on the fake list. Damn.

"I wonder if the machine gets things like particular flatulent qualities of beans right," Rodney joked.

Ronon snorted. Teyla looked chiding, but couldn't help one corner of her mouth creeping up.

John didn't smile though. He'd gotten to a point where expecting to find Rodney by his side was just a fleeting moment every morning. He knew that he didn't act towards him in a way a friend wouldn't, and he managed to get the teams right in his head, even if he had to think about it for a moment. But actually being aware that _every_ memory in his brain from the last year was fake and acting like it?

He realized that going on with this life wouldn't be half as easy as he thought it would.

~~

Rodney was frustrated. He'd hoped that once they could go on missions again, John would be better. John was always on the edge when they were grounded, and this time he seemed even more eager to get back out there.

Rodney suspected he was trying to drown himself in work. From what he'd heard John had worked through his backlog of paperwork, not just from during the week he'd been in the machine, but the things he'd been putting off before that.

He certainly didn't spend any time with Rodney.

It wasn't that John was actively avoiding him or anything. They still had some of their meals together in the mess, went to the senior staff meeting and John had come to his lab once to get his input on something one of the teams had found.

It was all very normal, except that they hadn't spent any moment alone together that wasn't work related.

They didn't have a set schedule for hanging out, so it wasn't entirely out of the norm for them to not do it for a couple of days, but Rodney didn't pretend that it was all just coincidence.

He didn't even think John was doing it on purpose. He acted normally around Rodney, talked to him over lunch and everything. Although even that wasn't quite the same. John seemed a lot less ... playful was the term coming to his mind. Rodney knew that John didn't have much reason to smile these days, and he _could_ have chalked it up to John still having to deal with his situation, but Rodney saw how he acted around Teyla and Ronon and the others.

John and Ronon went on runs in the morning and trained together. He spent some time with Teyla and her family. It was just Rodney whom he'd seemed to have forgotten about and it _hurt_.

He knew that he was being petty. John's relationships with the others had been more or less the same in the machine. It didn't mean that things couldn't be awkward, like on the mission when John had forgotten that they hadn't been to that planet, but those were just moments to navigate around.

It would be more difficult with Rodney, and Rodney was willing to acknowledge that. He would happily accept that there would be _ten_ times as many awkward moments between them. But instead, he got _none_ because John just never put himself in a situation where they could happen.

Rodney tried to be okay with that. He reminded himself that this was so much more difficult for John. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it had to be like for him. To lose a year of your memories and a relationship that had so obviously made John happy.

If John needed time to adjust to that, Rodney was willing to give him that time. Time and space. It wasn't as if he didn't have anything to do. So he worked hard and got some side projects done, that had been put on the back burner.

But at the end of the day he realized that he missed John and he couldn't shake the fear that when John was adjusting to the things that had only happened in the virtual training session, he'd also adjusted their friendship away.

Rodney was willing to wait, but in order to wait there still had to be something to wait _for_. Right now he wasn't sure about that anymore, and he didn't think he could ask John without sounding impatient and demanding.

And he didn't want to make it for difficult for John. He could see that John was struggling with those awkward moments and everything unexpected that reminded him of his virtual life. It was painful to watch and Rodney wished there was something he could do.

Putting his own feelings aside was the only thing he could think off. He'd have to trust that in time John would feel ready to be around him again. He'd feel comfortable enough to suggest watching a DVD or playing a game and they would get back to _that_ life, where they were best friends.

In the meantime, maybe Rodney should do his own part in making it happen. Rodney was vaguely aware that he might be telegraphing his anxiousness over the situation. He'd talked to Matthews about that, who'd said that it was natural for Rodney to want things back the way they were.

Maybe if Rodney managed to be more casual and less expectant, John would feel more confident that they could do this too. It was just a matter time.

Rodney tried to hold onto that mantra. They were going to be fine. They were going to be friends again. Everything else wasn't an option.

~~

It just didn't stop. John could try as he might, when his brain "remembered" something it refused to make the distinction between virtual and real life. He'd discussed it with Matthews, and he could agree that it might be better to accept what he'd gone through in the machine as a _real_ experience. As far as his brain was concerned there was no difference and the process behind it was not the same as when John dreamed or tried to go through something in his head.

In fact, the machine seemed to have been designed specifically with that in mind. To create _real_ experiences in a _safe_ environment.

The problem was that even if John was willing to accept it as his past, it was just _his_ past that nobody else knew of. It wasn't a problem _most_ of the time, but when it was a problem it had the potential to be a big problem.

They'd gone on two missions that went relatively well. John tried to embrace his advance knowledge of what expected them and the missions had gone without major hitches. John's mind would still evoke memories of things that only happened to him, but he tried to censor himself and to think before speaking. It made his part in conversations a bit stilted but his team was quite accepting of that.

Rodney had stopped hovering. He was still more quiet than he used to be though. At least, John thought he was. The problem was that it was difficult for John to make a distinction in his memories between their life as friends and their life as partners. It had been just nine months that he'd been with Rodney but somehow it felt like they'd always been together. He couldn't for the life of him remember how often they'd played video games before they'd gotten together.

He knew that they hadn't just started it when they began dating, but it was hard to get back into that frame of mind to when they'd just been friends.

That was another thing that John began to worry about. Now that Rodney didn't look at John anymore as if he might break any second, John found himself forgetting that they weren't together. The other day over lunch he'd almost stuck out his foot to run it up Rodney's calf. It was a sure-fire way to stop Rodney's train of thought and would make him glare and flush at the same time, very much to John's amusement. John had frozen then, realizing that he wasn't in that world anymore.

So he still hadn't gone to Rodney and asked him to hang out. Those situations, when they were alone in their room or late at night in Rodney's lab, where the most dangerous because they had so often led to casual touches and other signs of affection. And he really didn't want to embarrass Rodney like that.

Maybe Rodney felt the same. John was well aware that he hadn't come to John either, suggesting a movie night with just the two of them or anything else that would leave them alone in a private setting. So Rodney was probably good with the way things were.

Which was a bit of a relief. John was still too far caught up in dealing with the little struggles every day to deal with his relationship with Rodney.

And then they went on a mission when one of those little struggles turned into a real problem. After those two successful missions, John had decided it was time to take on something challenging again. They went to a planet with a population that was known to be hostile to travelers but had a naquadah mine, making them potentially valuable trading partners if they could take that first hurdle.

It was a long shot, but worth trying. They'd messed up the mission in his virtual training session. The natives hadn't taken well to friendly introductions, seeing them as an attempt to deceive them. So John discussed it in the pre-mission briefing and suggested being more honest and aggressive this time. They'd go in, arms at the ready, and simply say that they were interested in trading for the naquadah.

It would probably still end up with them running for their lives, but at least it was a relatively short way back to the gate.

They went through the gate, made their way to the village and brought up their request. John could see the leader hesitating for a moment, which was a lot more than they'd gotten the last time John had done this. However, the end result was the same.

Unfortunately, the weapons technology had apparently made improvements since the last time the Atlantis database had been updated. Because John could not remember them having "sonic cannons" that somehow ended up between the village and the gate on their escape route. He did know the cannons though, which were a bitch if they hit you, but relatively easy to disarm once you knew how. They had to split up, trying to separate the soldiers coming after them. Then John sent Teyla and Ronon to disarm the cannons while he and Rodney made their way to the gate to get rid of the soldiers now waiting there.

It was pretty straightforward until Teyla radioed him, telling him that the P90 didn't even make a dent in the cannon. John cursed himself and told them to hit the energy source at the underside of the cannon.

That did the job within seconds and shortly after that Ronon and Teyla joined him and Rodney at the gate, scaring off the last of the soldiers.

All in all it had gone okay. They had a few scrapes and Ronon needed stitches, but considering how dangerous the mission was to begin with, it was quite a success.

However, John's slip-up when not immediately remembering that Teyla and Ronon hadn't actually been on that mission where they'd first encountered the cannons was unacceptable.

Nobody said anything in the meeting, but he couldn't allow this to happen again.

Rodney looked at him, probably sensing that something was wrong, but he didn't ask John and it was one of the little things that were still far from okay, but he had a much more pressing issue right now.

He made his way to his quarters—the old ones, as he still tought of them—and dug out the recordings of his training session from the furthest reaches of his storage cabinet.

They'd given him several hard drives worth of them when he's been released from the infirmary. He was told that only Keller and Matthews had watched some of the tapes. They were his to do with as he pleased, though Matthews had urged him not to destroy them at once.

Matthews had been right on target with his suspicion. John had been tempted to just delete every single of the recordings, helping him to forget it had ever happened. But he'd listened to the psychologist and instead buried them in his cabinet as well as his mind.

He hadn't once gone back to watch even one of them. He didn't even know what they looked like. If they were shot in first person or third. And he hadn't wanted to know.

As he'd stored the recordings away, he'd realized that they held his complete last year, every single memory that he'd treasured, every kiss with Rodney he'd shared, except for those two in the infirmary, where Rodney had played along so that they could keep the secret from John just a bit longer.

He could have played the tapes and relived it all, and that was just the more reason to forget that the tapes existed. Sinking into that world had been what had started all of this. It would be all too easy to hang on to a life that had never existed, but he wasn't going to do that. He _had_ a life, even if it might not be quite as perfect at what he'd experienced in the training machine.

Unfortunately, the last mission had shown him that he wasn't able to forget his virtual life. His relationship with Rodney was one thing and he knew he still had to deal with it, but a little mistake like the one on this mission could mean the difference between life and death and he needed to make sure it didn't happen again that.

Since he couldn't wipe the virtual missions he'd gone to from his mind, he would do the next best thing: He would show his _real_ team his experiences so that they were on the same level again.

He hadn't wanted to do that, mostly because his strategy had been to forget and because his life was _private_ and not for someone else's entertainment. But the professional part of it, the missions they'd gone on, John was willing to share if it meant situations like on the mission could be avoided.

He went through the files on the hard drive. Everything was labeled quite meticulously. The machine had split up the recordings into parts, and judging from the labels, separating missions from meetings from private things. The target planet was even in the file name. John wondered if the recordings had been meant to be shared in the first place.

He didn't dwell on it though and instead put in the recording and watched for the first time a bit of his "life".

~~

When John called Rodney to ask him to join him for a team meeting, Rodney immediately knew it had to be connected to the mission.

He wasn't sure what the problem was. It wasn't as if they'd expected to be welcomed with open arms, and they'd made it out okay. John had even been able to tell Teyla and Ronon how to destroy or at least disarm the damn cannons. Though since John hadn't mentioned them in the mission briefing, Rodney was sure that he hadn't encountered them on this planet.

Rodney suspected that might be the reason for the team meeting. They'd go through some kind of weapons training, where John tried to tell them about anything he'd encountered on any of the missions.

Unfortunately they hadn't been able to find all of the information of the planets in the database yet. The biologist had cracked a huge database with information about Pegasus plant life a few years ago, but other things still lay unaccessed or inaccessible on the servers of Atlantis.

The problem was that they had never found a neat little catalogue index, which would allow them to isolate parts of the database and work on extracting information. Instead it was as if they'd run into a room full of stacks of paper filled in different unknown languages in no discernible order.

Deciphering the data was an ongoing project, but it wasn't high priority. Information like the maps Ronon had mentioned would be very useful, but it was nothing that they couldn't get by sending a UAV which was more expensive and risked losing the UAV, but had similar results and the added bonus that the images from the UAV were at least up to date.

The weapons information though .... Rodney could see that John would be very, very interested in that.

When he entered the room, Ronon and Teyla were already there, waiting along with John.

He sat down and they all turned to John who stood at the end of the table, still tense. Rodney had noticed this tension in the post-mission briefing and he strongly suspected it was once again related to one of his "memories".

"Thanks for coming and I'm sorry to interrupt your day." John looked in particular at Teyla and Rodney.

Teyla nodded. "I am sure you have a good reason for this meeting."

"Yes, you could say that," John said. "You were all on the mission, so I don't have to tell you what happened. We're here to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Went pretty well from where I stand," Ronon commented.

"It did, but it could have gone even better," John said.

"The cannon," Rodney said. "You want to make sure we know all that _you_ know from the machine."

"Not all," John said, evading his gaze, "but yes, I realized that it's vital that all of you know as much about the missions we went on as I do."

Rodney flushed. He hadn't meant .... Obviously he was aware that John would never share _that_ part of his life. "So, did you make a spreadsheet or something with the information," he asked, to divert the attention from his red face and because John had brought a laptop with him.

"No, I can do even better than that." He switched on the screen on the wall and suddenly an image of the gateroom flared to live on it.

When Rodney saw the four of them walking through the gate on a planet he couldn't remember he knew what it was: the recordings from John's training session.

Rodney gaped in surprise. He'd been almost certain that John had destroyed them.

John had never in his presence talked about the recordings or that life in general, other than in pre-mission briefings to give them a sense of what expected them. But even that had sounded like it came from memory.

The idea that a movie of John's months in the machine existed was fascinating and Rodney found himself intensely curious, but squashed that thought, knowing that John would never share his life—even a fake one—like that. And he couldn't blame him. The idea that someone could watch his every step was a bit terrifying. There were things in life that simply were supposed to be private.

He turned his attention to the screen. Unlike Radek and Teyla and of course, Jennifer and Alex, he'd never seen a bit of the recordings. They needed to reduce the information of actually experiencing something to what could be conveyed in the format.

To Rodney it looked like a movie with a clear focus on John. It wasn't like a first person shooter, but the screen also didn't show anything that John didn't know. Right now, they made their way along a path. The Rodney on the screen was taking energy readings. Rodney wished he could see the scanner, but instead the footage focused on the team and the surroundings as John probably had.

They watched as the mission went on, pretty much like any first contact mission where they didn't expect major problems. The energy readings proved to be interesting, though sadly the Rodney on screen didn't go into much detail. Which was, of course, what Rodney did on missions, giving Sheppard only what was relevant in the situation and leaving the details for his report or further experimentation back home.

Ronon seemed as bored by what happened on screen as his virtual counterpart was as the leader showed them an Ancient looking building.

They entered and the energy readings had to have done something particularly exciting. Suddenly there was a close-up of Rodney's wide smile, and Rodney thought for a second, "Do I look like that when we discover something?" Then the image was replaced by John smiling fondly at the virtual him, and Rodney had to look at John—the real one, sitting next to the laptop.

John was glancing in his direction too, but quickly dropped his gaze.

Rodney wondered when this mission had taken place. Were they already a couple? He hadn't noticed a difference, though the smile that John had given him wasn't exactly hiding how he felt about Rodney. Although by that point virtual Rodney had already turned his attention back to his scanner.

Had John always looked at him like that and Rodney had simply never noticed it?

Any further thoughts in that direction were put on hold when virtual Rodney managed to activate the machine, causing sudden uproar with the seemingly friendly natives.

Rodney watched with growing unease how they were surrounded. On screen, John tried to charm his way out of the situation. It was strange to watch themselves like this on video. Everything looked and felt very real. Of course, they'd known that it was like that since the training machine had been able to fool John.

But it was still eerie to see reactions of yourself and your friends in situations that hadn't actually ever happened. He'd been more detached at the beginning of watching the recording, but now that they were in danger Rodney felt himself drawn into the "narrative".

The team were dragged outside on screen and eventually Sheppard signalled for them to make a run for it. Rodney could feel with his virtual counterpart. Running for your life was his least his favorite part of missions. Actually that wasn't true. It was worse when they couldn't even do that much.

While the team made good progress at first they had to take the long way back to the gate and half-way there, they finally knew why John had chosen to show them that particular mission.

There was suddenly a loud noise and then virtual Teyla flew through the air and landed flat on her back. Rodney winced out loud as he watched and looked over at Teyla. She looked a bit shaken by seeing herself like that but quickly composed herself.

Ronon was also a lot more interested now that they were fighting for their lives.

Rodney watched as they located the "sonic cannons". The team managed to get close enough to shoot, but the thing was pretty much indestructible and the shield made it impossible to take down the gunner. They managed to shoot just about everywhere except where they needed to.

"The energy source!" Ronon shouted at the screen.

They all turned to stare at him for a moment, but not even Rodney pointed out that their virtual counterparts couldn't hear him, because he'd been pretty damn close to shouting at the screen himself.

It seemed to take forever for virtual Rodney to ask John to try shooting below the cannon at a hardly shielded innocuous looking box. That worked and after the cannon was disabled they were finally able to get past and escape through the gate.

The recording stopped and for a moment there was only silence.

"That was great. When will we watch the next one?" Ronon eventually asked.

John snorted. "Well, I chose this one because of our recent encounter with those lovely cannons, but I was thinking we should go through all missions. We can start with our first virtual mission and go on chronologically."

"That is a wonderful idea," Teyla said. "It will be immensely useful, in particular for missions on planets that you already went to in your training session. I feel honored that you are willing to share this with us."

"Well, you went on those missions too in the machine ..." John said. "And yes, I hope it will be useful. I'm not sure if we'll ever be in a similar situation as today, but if it happens, we'll at least be prepared."

Teyla nodded in agreement and approval.

"Hey, I wasn't sure about all the walking around. I considered just cutting out the bit with the cannon—"

"No," Ronon said. "The fighting too. It's a good way to improve, see what you're doing wrong." He turned to Rodney at that.

"Well, thank you very much!" Rodney said. "In case it has escaped your notice, I was the one who found a way to disarm the cannon."

"Could have done it faster," Ronon pointed out.

Rodney glared at him.

"I believe we can _all_ learn from watching the missions together," Teyla said diplomatically. "And I have to admit, it is much more agreeable to know that we will all survive the experience."

"Plus, not actually being hurt. I really like that part," Rodney said. And not having to run, though he didn't add that out loud.

"Okay," John said. "I can still cut out the walking. I wasn't sure—"

"No, I think it is all part of the mission and gives us the proper context," Teyla said. It sounded reasonable enough, but Rodney got the feeling she was actually just curious to see more of John's virtual life and the discussions they had when they walked to a settlement and back were the best opportunity during missions to get a glimpse into what else happened. Or maybe he was just projecting his own curiosity.

"I think it's boring—" Ronon began.

"Hey, just because nobody is trying to kill us doesn't mean it's boring," Rodney said, supporting Teyla.

"—but part of the mission, I was going to say," Ronon finished.

"Oh, okay. Then we're all in agreement," Rodney said.

"Seems like it," John said, closing down the laptop. "I'll schedule meetings to go through the recordings, starting tomorrow."

They all got up.

Teyla and Ronon went ahead. "The cannon threw you pretty far. At least thirty feet," he said, grinning at her.

She arched an eyebrow. Then she smiled sweetly. "I was going to check on Torren and then train with the sticks for a bit. Would you care to join me?"

Then they were out of earshot.

John looked at Rodney. "He was asking for that," he commented.

"Yes. But then fighting is his _hobby_."

There was an awkward moment of silence, then John said, "Hey, this isn't a problem for you, is it? I know you have more important things to do—"

"This could save our lives. Which is pretty damn important to me," Rodney said. Plus, now that John wasn't hanging out with him any longer, he had time to spare. Although, he really wanted to change that again. Maybe now was a good moment to bring that up. "And actually, there aren't any projects that need my undivided attention at the moment. In fact, if you wanted, we could hang out. Watch a DVD or play a round of your stupid golfing video game, you know." It sounded incredibly awkward even to Rodney's ears. God, he was terrible at playing casual.

"Uhm," John said, looking caught.

Damn. He didn't want to put him on the spot. "Or not. I mean, come to think of it, there is this one thing I wanted to do at the lab, so just forget about it."

"It's not ..." John began, seeing his bad attempt at back-pedaling as what it was. "I just need to go through the recordings and organize them and schedule the meetings."

"Yeah, sure," Rodney said, nodding vigorously at John's excuse.

"Sorry," John added.

"Hey, as I said, there is this thing I wanted to do. So I'll just go and do that. I mean, we can do something together another time, right?" Rodney couldn't help adding.

John hesitated long enough for Rodney to regret even saying that much.

"Okay, see you!" Rodney said and fled before John had to make up another lame excuse.

Back in his lab, he sat down dejectedly. The only way that conversation could have gone worse was if John had said, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can still be friends with you after what we had in the training machine."

It hadn't been the end of their friendship. But it hadn't been the return to their friendship either.

Rodney sighed and started up his computer.

~~

That had been excruciating.

John tried to distract himself by doing what he'd told Rodney he had to do: Going through the recordings and preparing them for their meetings. But they both knew it had just been an excuse and now John could no longer pretend that maybe Rodney didn't know how to deal with this either.

He certainly seemed to want to resume their friendship as before, which wasn't surprising, of course. For Rodney it had been nothing but a lab accident that left John out cold for a week. And suddenly everything had changed between them. This couldn't make any sense to him emotionally even if he obviously tried to make it easy for John.

But John just wasn't ready to put himself into that situation. His relationship with Rodney was something that was constantly nagging on him even as he tried to ignore it. It was like the time since he'd woken up had been just one of those stretches where they were really busy or one of the rare cases where one of them went on a mission without the other.

John managed to fill his days with work and spent time with Ronon and Teyla, but when he was alone in his room it became increasingly difficult not to want to go out and find Rodney so that he could touch him. His brain hadn't yet understood that Rodney wasn't coming back home. Or maybe it was his heart.

"Time heals all wounds" was the saying, but right now every passing day only meant that he missed Rodney more. John knew that he would eventually adjust. He would be able to spend time with Rodney as just a friend, but right now he didn't trust himself to remember that they weren't together any longer, that he couldn't just reach out and cup his face and draw their mouths together for a kiss.

God, he needed to stop thinking about that!

John resolutely started the next recording, focusing on something—anything—else. Unfortunately even the early recordings reminded him of what he no longer had.

As he went through the tapes, John spotted moments of banter or smiles, the innocent kind of flirting that they'd engaged in before virtual John had realized what it was and that it wasn't meaningless for him. John didn't even think that those early missions had been a step up from what their missions had been like in real life.

John _did_ recall his real life a month ago, even if it felt like a year to him now. And they'd been like that on occasion even back then. Which made it all the harder to even contemplate going back to the way things had been.

With the memories of his virtual life intact, John would never be able to be like that with Rodney without being aware that it _was_ flirting and that for him it was an expression of his feelings for Rodney. He couldn't smile at Rodney like that and not feel how much he was in love with him. Had been. Shouldn't be. Which was the real problem.

John decided that he didn't want Rodney (or the others) to see this. It might be meaningless to them, but it wasn't to him and he knew that those moments became a bit more blatant when they got together. They'd agreed to always be professional on missions and not let their private life come with them through the gate, but the little moments like these, smiles and casual touches would be there and John wanted to leave them where they belonged, in his locked away archive of his life for no one to be seen. Not even himself.

He edited out the moments and went back to do the same with the ones he'd already put aside for them to watch.

~~

Their first scheduled team meeting to watch the recordings went very well.

The first mission recording was of a mission they'd already gone to.

"Mission reloaded," Rodney piped up.

John turned and glared at him. "The sequels ruined it," he told Rodney. "Besides this one came first, technically."

Rodney rolled his eyes at him and for a moment it felt like old times to John. Things were a bit easier when Ronon and Teyla were present.

"Was as boring as the real thing," Ronon commented by the end.

Rodney snorted.

"I think it is interesting," Teyla said. "Everything is surprisingly accurate. The Benkat look like they did when we visited them two weeks ago. The details of the architecture are all present."

"The next one will have all of that plus fighting. Not much in the way of science though. Sorry, Rodney," John said.

Rodney waved his hand. "It's okay. I'll be fine watching myself not getting killed."

John had to smile at him. Rodney did watch everything very intently. John had half expected him to turn up with his own notebook, typing away and only glancing at the screen every now and then.

"Since this was a short mission, are you all up for the next one?"

There was agreement all around, so John started the next file.

This time around he didn't look at the screen so much as watch his team. Ronon was bored by all the walking and talking, but very into the fighting. John could see that he wanted to join in and help out.

Teyla was more calm but John could see the curiosity in her eyes. Especially her interest when virtual Teyla talked about Torren was obvious. He considered showing her recordings of when he'd played with Torren, but then he remembered how later he'd done that together with Rodney. Also, finding the scenes where he'd spent time with Torren would require him to touch the private recordings, which he'd managed to avoid completely so far. And he wasn't up to going through tapes that included him and Rodney in private situations. He'd never get over Rodney if he started that.

Rodney for his part watched everything with interest. He winced when his counterpart was hit especially badly—this particular mission had involved hand to hand fighting when they'd escaped—and he grinned proudly when virtual Rodney managed to land a hit.

More surprising though was how Rodney's eyes lit up when the John and Rodney on screen shared a conversation. John had cut out one moment in this mission, but the rest of their back and forth on the way to the settlement and back was intact and Rodney seemed to enjoy that the most.

At one point, Rodney turned his eyes from the screen to John, and John held his gaze for a moment before looking away.

He knew that Rodney wanted things to be like they were. But John didn't know how to do it, if it was even possible any longer.

When they'd finished watching the recording of the second mission, Ronon spoke up.

"This was very good. They had a great fighting technique. Would be useful to watch that again."

John hesitated for a moment. He hadn't intended for the recordings to be shared. "Just you?" he asked.

"If that's what you want," Ronon answered.

"Yes," Teyla agreed. "I would also like the opportunity to review some of the scenes."

John looked at Rodney.

"If you're okay with it ...." Rodney said carefully, even if it was obvious that he wanted the recordings too.

John had already shown them the tapes and he _had_ removed anything he didn't want them to see, so there probably was no point in keeping them to himself.

"Don't share them though, please. If you'd like to show something in particular to someone, like a special fighting move or ... an 'architectural detail' let me know and I'll edit a version for you, okay?"

"Of course," Teyla said.

Ronon nodded, and Rodney got up and practically _bounced_ in anticipation.

John was more than happy to give him at least this.

~~

Rodney immediately went to his private lab once John had copied the files for them.

Watching the two missions had reminded him of how they _used_ to behave on missions. Rodney had been very aware that they didn't spend any time alone anymore, but he hadn't consciously noticed the differences in their normal day to day conversations (apart from those moments when John opened his mouth and then shut it again).

John didn't visibly avoid him or treat him overtly differently when they had lunch or went on missions, so while Rodney had felt that their friendship seemed to be put on hold for the moment, he'd mostly pinned it down to the free time that they didn't spent together any longer. But seeing the two of them talk so casually showed him that in fact things _had_ changed even in this regard.

Rodney couldn't help going through the tapes, fast-forwarding to those moments. It was a bit pathetic, but he actually went ahead and noted down the timestamp of moments of interest. While he was at it, he also marked down some general mission key moments, like the moment they arrived at the village or the time everything went south.

He had tapes of three missions now, the first two the virtual team had taken and the one with the "sonic cannons". Rodney realized that having it all on tape gave him a nice opportunity to do some statistics. He tended to complain to Sheppard about how they should have taken the jumper in certain situations. Now he could see if the missions of the virtual training gave a certain pattern.

Rodney warmed up to the idea, noting down anything he thought might be a useful variable and the times that they spend doing things on a mission. It also made him feel less bad about noting down the moments with John.

As he went through the last one, the tape of their second virtual mission, he suddenly noticed an inconsistency with his timestamps. He went back to check the numbers again, but they came out the same and still made no sense. So he slowly ran the tape again, keeping an eye on the running timestamp that came with the recording.

Then suddenly he saw a jump.

Rodney rewound and checked again and then looked very closely at the scene. It was on the way back from the settlement. Their virtual counterparts were pretty sure they'd lost their pursuers. Rodney complained how they _always_ had to run from these things. Ronon said it would do him some good. Rodney glared at him and then Teyla pointedly said, they were all in good enough shape to escape, which they agreed was what mattered.

It was between Rodney's glare and Teyla speaking that nine seconds were missing.

Rodney didn't quite know what to think. John must have cut out those nine seconds. Rodney found himself insanely curious about why John would do that with what appeared to be a normal team conversation.

Interest sparked, he went back to check the other recordings too, but nothing had been removed from them. Rodney was actually disappointed by that. The only reason he could think of for John to make the edits was that it was somehow related to their relationship: the growing romantic one that had happened in the training session but that was never talked about in real life.

Of course, Rodney hadn't expected John to talk about it. It was a very private thing, and it was so difficult for John to deal with its loss that it had affected their real relationship. But still Rodney couldn't help wondering how it had happened. He wasn't interested in any intimate details because that would be ... well, he really wasn't interested in that, but to see how the machine, which was startlingly accurate in everything they'd seen so far, would let the development of their relationship unfold .... Rodney was willing to admit that he was very curious about that.

The little edit on their second mission, those nine seconds that John hadn't wanted to share, were telling their own little story by their absence.

He couldn't ask John about the relationship they'd had in the machine, but as they'd go through the mission reviews he'd be able to get at least a bit of an idea by the number of things John removed and by their context.

It was like a puzzle. And Rodney loved those, especially challenging ones which his life didn't depend on.

Preparing for the next recordings, Rodney went ahead and wrote a little program that he could run along with the video and that would track the timestamp and alert him if something had been edited out. He also added a simple interface to track moments that could be interesting for his statistical evaluations.

He was very pleased with himself when he was done, but also a bit nervous. John probably hadn't intended anything like this to be done with the recordings. Considering how well the edit was done he probably hadn't intended that to be noticed either.

Rodney suddenly felt the need to let John know what he was doing. Not that he was making notes of the moments between them because he missed them—that was embarrassing at best and vaguely stalkerish at worst—but the statistics and that he had noticed the edits.

He decided to talk to John straight away. If John found out about it a lot later the chance that he would be very pissed off was far greater. Rodney found John in his office.

"Rodney. Something up?" John asked, looking up from his paperwork.

There was no good way to ease into the subject. However he could start with the less personal part. "I just wanted to let you know that I took another look at the recordings and I wrote a little program to get a few statistics about missions." He handed a small programmable device to John, which displayed the data. "See if there actually is a correlation between how long a walk takes to how interesting the energy signal is. That sort of thing."

John snorted, taking the device.

"It's not really meaningful with just three missions, but I'll update as we go through mission reviews."

"We could see how well the machine really got it," John said.

"For that we'd have to gather this information on real missions," Rodney said. "Which might not be a bad idea. We have mission reports, but not tabulated information of this kind. I'll see if I can extend the scanners so that we can easily input that info as we go."

"It's nice. Thank you," John said, giving him a quick smile.

"Well, it's not really useful for any practical application, but maybe some unthought of patterns show up, like settlements at a certain range from the gate are most likely to come after us with pitchforks."

"Pitchfork radius. Now _that_ would be useful," John said, smirking.

It looked like old times. "I noticed the edit," Rodney said suddenly.

John froze. Then he dropped his gaze. "Uhm."

"It's okay. They're _your_ recordings. I just wanted to let you know that I noticed," Rodney quickly said.

"It wasn't ...." John began.

"You don't have to explain yourself. It's entirely up to you what you want to share with us," Rodney said. He didn't want to make John uncomfortable about this. He'd just wanted to make sure that John knew Rodney had noticed.

"We weren't even ... together. Obviously," John said, not looking at Rodney.

"I know. Matthews mentioned it was eight months, so it was nearly four months into your ... experience."

John looked up at him at that. "He ...."

It occurred to Rodney that they might never have told John how much exactly they'd relayed of his life in the machine. "They didn't tell us anything specific about your relationship. We just .... We needed to know to be able to, well, keep the truth from you. The only thing they told us was that it was eight months. And that it was me," Rodney added as an afterthought. He still remembered Matthews words when he'd told them. And it still felt a bit unbelievable even though he noticed the effects of it every day.

"It was almost nine months actually," John said, looking away and smiling for a second before getting a wistful look. Then he turned to Rodney, looking apologetic and tired.

Rodney wished he could help him. But he didn't know how. "I'll leave you to work," he said, nodding towards John's full desk.

John nodded back. "Thanks for this," he said, lifting the little device with the statistics.

"You're welcome," Rodney said and turned. Before he reached the door, John called his name. Rodney stopped and turned back to him.

"It's really nothing important," John said. "It's not even really private. I mean, it was on a mission and we never ... on missions. Except that one time, but ...."

Rodney felt a small shudder run through him. He knew that from now on he'd look out for a big gap in the recordings where they were stuck in a shed or cave or something, separated from Teyla and Ronon.

"It's just that I feel it's part of _our_ life more than the mission," John continued. "I mean not _our_," he said, gesturing between them, "but the ones in the machine."

Right. Because he wasn't that Rodney.

It made sense to hear John separate them this way, but at the same time it felt weird to Rodney. Watching the recordings it had felt like him, like something he could have said and done. Except for the ease in which he'd talked to John. Rodney didn't have that at the moment.

However, there was no point in lamenting that now. John had made the effort to explain himself when he really didn't have to.

"As I said, it's entirely up to you to decide what to share. I'm grateful that you're willing to share anything at all," Rodney said truthfully.

John nodded in acknowledgement.

Rodney gave him a quick smile that faded as he turned and left. This had been the first time that John had talked about their life in the training device.

It was also the first time that Rodney felt as if it wasn't a version of him so much as a different person entirely.

He wasn't sure whether he liked the feeling or not.

~~

Going through the recordings was bringing up more memories than John had anticipated. Even though John fast-forwarded through much of it and even though he kept strictly to their missions, it was as if he could see his relationship with Rodney unfold.

Part of that was the simple fact that the key moments early on in their relationship had happened during missions or as a result of them. He knew that the others wouldn't see what John had felt in those moments even though the machine tended to translate them into close-ups that felt to John as if they didn't leave much to the imagination. He cut out those moments, feeling a bit as if he was hiding them from Rodney, but he knew that he'd be in the same room as Rodney when they watched it, and he simply couldn't see the moment he'd realized he'd fallen in love up close on a large screen with Rodney sitting just a few feet away.

It would be difficult enough as it was to keep his emotions in check. He was so nervous about it that he considered postponing the mission review meeting, but he couldn't do it forever and there was even more to come. He hadn't prepared _that_ mission yet and he was going to try to find a way to do it without actually watching that moment himself because he didn't think he could bear it. But that was for another time. First he had to tackle this smaller hurdle.

John tried not to watch Rodney through the mission review but it was nearly impossible and eventually he gave up.

He watched Rodney as his virtual counterpart helped Ronon carry a wounded John through a village that had turned into a war zone. The image went a bit blurry at times, conveying quite well how John had felt at that point. They'd been trapped with little chance to get out alive when Rodney had the idea to use their own shields against them by reprogramming them.

The problem with that had been that the shield generator was located on the guarded city wall.

"Guess, I'll just have to climb up there," Rodney said on screen, and John could see Rodney gape at his counterpart.

John listened as his own counterpart told him that he was crazy and that they'd have to find another way. He kept his eyes on Rodney though as virtual Rodney pointed out that they didn't have any other options and that it had to be _him_.

"_Rodney_," John heard his own voice say, sounding just a bit desperate, and in that moment Rodney looked over to him.

He looked like he couldn't quite believe himself, as if he wanted to say, 'I really did that?' John gave him a quick nod and Rodney's gaze turned back to the screen where John knew virtual Rodney managed the impossible by awkwardly but successfully climbing a wall on a rope while being shot at.

John turned to the screen himself then because he couldn't not watch that moment. Virtual Rodney managed to disarm and knock out an armed attacker, reprogram the shield, climb back down without killing himself and then helped them all escape, knocking down a pursuer who was trying to get to John.

"Oh no, you don't," he spat out at the man lying in front of him. "You have no fucking idea what I just went through to save him." Then he turned to John, looking proud and self-confident and protective and almost a bit possessive.

John had cut out his reaction shot, but he still felt exactly like he had back then. He'd looked up at Rodney and simply thought, "I love this man."

It was just as overwhelming as the first time or when he'd prepared the mission for the review. It was a rush of wonder and expectation and excitement and adrenalin and John remembered how even through the haze of blood loss he'd simply wanted to pull Rodney's face close and kiss him. He'd been able to hold on to that bit of self-preservation though, so John could watch as virtual Rodney helped virtual John up and they made their way out of the city while Ronon and Teyla covered them.

It was only then that he dared to turn back to Rodney. Rodney seemed to notice because he turned to John and in his look was just a bit of that pride and self-confidence he'd just seen in virtual Rodney.

There was also a bit of speculation in his eyes as if he knew that this moment had been significant and that when he went ahead and checked the recordings he would find another edit. As if he wanted to know what it was.

He didn't ask though, and John didn't say anything.

They turned back to the screen and watched as the team fought their way back to the gate. When they made it through and the recording stopped there was a moment of silence as was usually the case after especially hard missions.

Then Ronon got up. On his way out he put his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Well done, McKay," he said.

Rodney spluttered. "Well, that wasn't .... Thank you," he said, but Ronon was already out the door.

"It _was_ rather impressive," Teyla added, smiling at him. Then she turned to John and he realized that she, too, had noticed the significance of this particular mission. She smiled at John too and then left them alone.

Rodney didn't get up. He seemed to be deep in thought and it took a while before he looked at John again. He opened his mouth but then shut it again as if he didn't know what to say or maybe ask.

Which was just as well because John had no idea what to answer.

They just stared at one another and John felt his revelation still vibrating in him. 'I love this man.' He didn't know how he would ever be able to forget that. He hoped they could go through the mission reviews quickly. They certainly didn't help him to get back into the mental place where Rodney was just his friend.

After what felt like forever, Rodney finally asked, "You'll put up the files?"

"It's already done," John answered.

"Okay." Rodney finally got up. Before he left, he turned back to John and said, "_Thank you_."

John only said, "You're welcome."

Rodney's gaze switched to the now blank screen again before he disappeared through the door.

John knew that Rodney was going to go through the recording again now, checking for edits, wondering what and why John had decided not to share.

The scary thing was that part of John _wanted_ him to know.

~~

Rodney had eagerly checked all mission review recordings that John uploaded for them (he'd set up a special place on the server that was only accessible to them). Every time that John edited something out of a mission, Rodney mentally put it into the growing puzzle that was the relationship between him and John in the machine. Or John and the him in the machine. He still wasn't sure how to look at it.

It was easy to distance himself from the Rodney who'd had a sexual relationship with John in the machine. It was just as easy to identify with the Rodney who went on missions because it was exactly what he did on missions. It was the in between stuff that was harder to get a handle on. Especially at this point during their mission reviews, a month into John's time in the machine, where Rodney knew they hadn't been a couple a yet.

Checking all the missing bits, Rodney had seen a pattern emerge in them.

The machine's translation of events to the recordings used certain techniques to convey what was happening and one of them involved close-ups in particular emotional moments. Often there would be a close-up of Rodney, Ronon or Teyla, followed by John's reaction shot.

The edited moments sometimes involved the removal of John's reaction shot or the removal of what Rodney suspected were two close-ups of him and then John. It was something that Rodney was able to identify after the fact when he looked at the context of where the edits had been made.

Not so this time. Rodney didn't need to even start his little program to fast-forward to the exact moment where he knew the edit would be. He watched himself, looking at John like a goddamn superhero who was about to kiss the girl before he swooped back up in the air.

And there was the edit. As Rodney saw the timestamp skip seven seconds he felt first the satisfaction of being right about it and then the regret that he didn't get to see the look on John's face as he looked up at Rodney.

Rodney tried to imagine that look, a mix of awe and the fondness that he'd seen in the reaction shots that John _hadn't_ cut out and the look that John gave him now sometimes before dropping his gaze.

He was torn about how he felt about that too. On the one hand he wanted nothing more than for them to go back to the easy way things had been between them. On the other hand it was .... Flattering didn't quite sound right. Humbling maybe. It was amazing that someone could feel that way about him, even if it wasn't quite him, which brought him back to that particular line of thought.

It was all so very confusing. His feelings, John's feelings and those of the virtual Rodney. Maybe he could even add John's feelings before he entered the machine. They were all intertwined somehow and Rodney didn't know how to separate them and if it was even possible. It seemed bizarre to reject virtual Rodney's as not his own, but at the same time approve of them in their own context. Or maybe it was just natural. It was hard to tell because nothing about the situation was natural.

That was probably their real problem. Their relationship as it had naturally developed over the years had been split in half, one moving on to become a romantic relationship, the other staying the same.

Now they were faced with two halves that didn't fit together: Rodney who'd remained just friends with John and John who'd gotten together with Rodney.

However realizing what their problem was didn't get him one step further in solving it.

Pragmatically there were four ways it could go. One: Rodney could fall in love with John, allowing them to be a couple again. Two: John got over his romantic feelings for Rodney and they became friends again—or remained, though their current situation was not what he could really call friendship. Three: There might be a theoretical middle ground, though Rodney couldn't see it. Maybe they could be "half-together" with Rodney allowing John to touch him in certain ways, both of them pretending it was what they wanted, knowing full well it wasn't. Four: They could simply give up their friendship and remain in this weird status of talking civilly, even friendly, on missions and in public but not spending any extended time alone together in private.

One wasn't possible because Rodney couldn't just turn a switch and be bisexual. Three was maybe possible, but he couldn't see why either of them would _want_ to go there, since it involved both of them pretending that a fake relationship worked. Four was the unsatisfactory way things were now.

Which left them with two. And even though Rodney realized and acknowledged that it left all the burden of change on John, he simply didn't see any other way it could work.

This also meant there was nothing he could do but wait for John to be able to spend time with Rodney again, as a friend, as they used to do.

And while he waited, he could watch the relationship that caused all his problems develop on screen, or rather in the moments that didn't make it onto the screen.

~~

John tried not to dwell on what Rodney thought about the recordings and specifically the things John edited out.

Rodney never asked him anything about it even if John could see the questions in his eyes. He could also sense Rodney waiting.

They went on missions. It was better now that they worked approximately from the same level of knowledge and John wasn't the only one mentally going "Ah" when he finally saw a landmark building which he instantly recognized. They shared this part of his experience now and it made it a lot easier for John.

He was also able to adjust to the other changes. After several rounds of sending teams on missions and reading their reports, John had sorted out in his mind that SGA-12 weren't dead, Sergeant Mestill never existed, Dr. Terro was still a member of SGA-8 because Dr. Silver never returned to Earth and didn't need to be replaced, and all the other rotations of personnel that never occurred.

There was one big thing that was left, the one thing that he still had to deal with. (Only one because he had to accept that he could never stop some associations from forming in his mind in day to day life, making them something that he didn't have to deal with because he couldn't. But that was okay because as he made new real experiences, the others didn't come up as often.)

That one remaining thing was Rodney.

He knew that he had to tackle this, that Rodney was waiting for it. Sometimes he even felt as if the others were waiting for it too, in particular Teyla, who had a keen sense of their team dynamic and whenever something was off between them.

He just still had no idea how to even begin. The last missions they went on, John had tried to make small talk the way they used to but what was natural with Teyla and Ronon felt artificial with Rodney. He had to force himself to say things and to be casual about them. The inevitable result was that it sounded stilted and uncomfortable, which put even more pressure on John to get it right.

Sometimes John could see Rodney trying to let him off the hook. He'd start to talk about his energy readings in details that he knew John wouldn't follow or he'd initiate a conversation with Teyla, letting her talk.

John was both relieved and disappointed in himself when Rodney did that. It was nice that Rodney tried to give him time to come to terms with his feelings, but John knew that it couldn't go on like this forever.

He didn't _want_ it to go on like this. He _missed_ Rodney. God, how much he missed him at times. But he was still too afraid that he couldn't keep his emotions in check to actually seek out Rodney.

John had this terrifying image in his head where he went to Rodney to play a video game and in a moment of joy or when he simply forgot, he'd throw himself at Rodney, ending in both of their complete mortification.

He knew that in order to avoid this from happening, he'd have to carefully watch himself to the point where spending time with Rodney would be about as spontaneous and fun as the casual banter he tried to force, which was not at all.

Things were still best between them when John simply didn't try. At lunch or when they discussed work, he could at least behave normally, and at this point, John treasured those moments, those little discussions. They weren't exactly what had made their friendship so great, but it was all he had right now.

Going through the recordings added to the difficulty of the situation on two fronts. On the one hand it reminded him of the ease of their friendship that he unsuccessfully tried to bring back. On the other hand it reminded him of what he'd had with Rodney in the machine, which he tried to forget.

After his revelation about Rodney, that he was in love with him, John hadn't been sure how to handle it, eventually coming to the conclusion that there was little chance that Rodney wasn't straight and even if he was, a relationship would be against regs. It would not only be inappropriate, they'd also have to hide it and that wouldn't have made things easier and John wasn't exactly great at relationships to begin with. He'd decided that it wasn't worth trying.

Things had been a bit awkward after that. John remembered and had seen in the mission recordings how he hadn't known how close he could stand to Rodney or whether he could touch him. Things that he'd never given a second thought suddenly required a decision and even Rodney had noticed. Both Rodneys actually.

The one in his training session had eventually pulled John aside and asked, "Are you okay? I mean ... they didn't knock something lose on P5X-685, did they?"

John had snorted then but recognizing the real worry in Rodney's voice, said, "I'm okay. I'm fine. Wasn't one of my favorite missions, but not the worst by a long shot." Which had been mostly the truth. Back then being in love with Rodney had been new and kind of amazing, even if nothing would come of it. And John had been okay with that because it was the only sensible decision.

John wished he could feel the same now. But what had been a vague, unrealistic fantasy for him after he'd realized he was in love with Rodney, was now something he'd _lived_ for months on a day-to-day basis. It wasn't as simple as accepting he'd never have it, because it was ingrained in him that he was already having it. His heart still hadn't gotten the memo that said otherwise.

That discussion had been the only time Rodney had called him on his slightly weird behavior. John edited it out and decided to leave in the other little awkward moments because they probably weren't noticeable if you weren't looking for them and if you _did_ look for them they were so over the place that he'd have to cut out most of their conversations and that was sure to raise not just Rodney's eyebrows but would also alert Ronon and Teyla to the fact that he was editing the reviews. (Beyond the bathroom breaks that was. They didn't always go on missions long enough to require it, but is was the one other thing he cut out and they'd all just accepted it without even a mention.)

As it was, Rodney had frowned at the screen when they'd watched the mission after John's revelation, looking at John as if to say, "Okay, something is up here."

But again, he didn't ask.

On the next mission they went on, John decided not to try and force their banter. It meant that it was more quiet and he _did_ notice its absence but he needed the break and it almost felt peaceful for him not to fake it for a moment. As they walked towards the cave with the energy readings, John looked over at Rodney every now and then, thinking about how much he meant to John, both as a friend and his partner.

John had never been happier in his life than in the time he'd been with Rodney. But he tried to remind himself that it had started even before, that even their friendship had been something John had never experienced in that way.

The problem was that when he looked at Rodney he saw both his friend _and_ his partner. They weren't the same person, not in the thing that mattered to their relationship, but they looked exactly the same. While intellectually John knew they were different, he had yet to find a way to work out that difference _emotionally_.

~~

Rodney tried to be patient. He was really, really bad at it, but he tried.

But things didn't seem to get better. They still hadn't spent any time alone in their free time. More than that now that Rodney could actually watch with his own eyes instances of their conversations as they had been (not that he did ... very often), it was impossible not to notice when they talked as if they were mere colleagues. Worse than that however were the moments when John made the attempt to chat with him like in old times.

It all came out wrong somehow and left Rodney unable to even fake trying to answer.

What frustrated him the most was that every now and then, there'd be a moment where John would look at him with complete ease and say something and it would be just like it was. And then he suddenly changed as if remembering that he'd mistaken Rodney for the other Rodney.

In that moments Rodney wanted to shout, "Hey! You can talk to me like this. _This_ is exactly how we were!" But John had to know that.

What Rodney feared was that John could only be himself with Rodney when he forgot his inner censor and that he couldn't abandon his inner censor because if he did, he'd treat Rodney as more than a friend.

Rodney had considered talking to him and telling that it would be okay and that he'd prefer John touching him inappropriately and having to stop him to what they had now. But asking for that would be like asking to be allowed to hurt John again and again.

He'd seen that moment of realization in John's face. Not often, because he didn't let down his guard often enough, but every time it had been painful to see the smile and happiness fade from John's face as he realized that Rodney wasn't _his_ Rodney.

The problem was that John had no real closure for the relationship that had happened in the machine. There was no death, no break-up, nothing but Rodney "deciding" he didn't love John anymore—in that way at least—and wanted to be just friends instead. And while Rodney was no expert on relationships, he knew how often the "let's be friends" thing ever actually worked. Especially if one of the involved parties was still in love with the other.

Of course, it wasn't really Rodney who'd changed their relationship status. Neither of the Rodneys in question had changed their feelings for John. When John woke up, that was, because obviously the Rodney in the machine had changed from being John's friend to being his boyfriend—partner; Rodney wasn't quite sure what they'd considered themselves.

But to John it had to feel as if Rodney had just stopped loving him. Rodney didn't think there was a human coping mechanism for "waking up from an Ancient device induced brain-manipulating experience". Maybe they _should_ treat it like a death. He could have Teyla do one of her Athosian rituals and John could say a few words.

Except that thinking of Carson, he knew that it was hard to see a face that looked like your dead friend and acted like your dead friend, but technically _wasn't_ that same person. He didn't think of Carson as someone else. He'd never been able to make that distinction and he'd had a year to mourn for him and get used to it. There was no way such a fake funeral would make this easier for John. Not to mention the chances of John participating were as good as getting him to spontaneously hug every senior staff member.

So Rodney waited and watched.

They were going through the mission reviews as fast as they could. The next missions after virtual Rodney's extraordinary acts of heroism were dull in comparison. Rodney noticed a certain awkward tension between them but after a relatively lengthy missing piece of the recording, which had to have been a short conversation between them, it seemed to get better again.

Rodney couldn't help wonder what they'd said to get over that little bump. But he trusted John that it wasn't anything that they could simply say in their own situation to make it all better.

It was at about the two-months mark of John's experience that virtual Rodney was kidnapped in one of the missions. Rodney felt increasingly uncomfortable as virtual John grew more desperate to save him. There wasn't any footage of Rodney in most of the recording. Usually he was able to concentrate on himself, but this time the focus on John was even more pronounced as his flaring emotions were conveyed in tighter shots of him.

Rodney was surprised by how much John let them see, unedited. Or maybe it was edited and this wasn't even the worst of it. John looked at the screen or maybe he just didn't want to look at them as he sometimes did, watching their reactions.

Either way he couldn't see John's face, only that of virtual John as his determination to save Rodney grew. He'd seen this when Teyla or Ronon had been in danger or when he'd risked his life to save Elizabeth, but knowing it was for _him_ made it different somehow.

Rodney almost felt as if he _shouldn't_ be allowed to see this, not this part, the raw need on John's face to not let anything happen to Rodney. John was always back in control by the time they actually managed to rescue whoever was in need of rescuing. At some point, pure pragmatism took over and then, once it was done, John hid his relief behind a smart remark.

It wasn't different this time. Well, it was a little different. Because he could see John's face as Ronon helped him out of the underground bunker he'd been held in. He could see the face in close-up, at a point when John hadn't yet put on that mask because virtual Rodney was still too far away to actually see him.

Strangely, Rodney didn't even see relief on that face. Or at least, it wasn't the dominant impression he got. He couldn't even properly classify it. John looked like Rodney imagined he'd looked like when the Daedalus had beamed him to safety away from the bomb that Rodney had built.

John didn't say anything to Rodney on screen when they'd finally caught up to him. Instead they fought their way back to the puddlejumper and to safety.

It took a moment for John to turn around after the recording ended. When he looked at Rodney, Rodney wasn't sure whom he was really looking at. He was torn between saying, "I'm okay," and, "I'm not him."

~~

John hadn't edited anything out of that mission.

He'd been torn about it, because after this mission he'd gone and asked Rodney out. While trying to rescue him, he'd realized that his feelings for Rodney were already beyond inappropriate and against fraternization rules. But he'd still managed to hold himself together. Pretending that he didn't want to be with Rodney because it would be difficult and against regs wouldn't work anymore. There was still the straight thing but at that point he'd taken a chance and simply asked Rodney out.

John hadn't looked for the recording of that. But he didn't have to, in order to clearly remember it.

Rodney hadn't gotten what he'd meant at first. "Sure, we can eat in the mess at seven."

"No, I meant _take you out_," John had clarified.

"As in ...." Rodney had prompted.

"As in a date."

Rodney had blinked at that. Several times. "You're asking me out on a date?"

"Yes."

"You're asking _me_ out on a _date_?" he'd repeated the question.

John had laughed at that. "Yes, Rodney. I would like to go out with you."

"I'm a guy," Rodney had said, as if maybe John hadn't noticed.

"I'm aware of that," John had said. At that point, he'd already suspected that this wouldn't work out.

"And so am I. I mean both a guy and aware of it. And also not into guys, which means that for me the fact that we're both guys is a bit of an issue. Not in general, just ... dating."

"Okay," John had said. It had been a long shot anyway.

"That's .... I had no idea that you dated guys," Rodney had said.

"I don't often do it. I can't really just ask people out."

"Of course. But you wanted ... with me."

"Yeah," John had said. "I thought I'd give it a shot."

"Sure." Rodney had smiled weakly at John. "No harm in trying and all that."

John had nodded.

"I'm sorry," Rodney had said.

"No need to be sorry. I was pretty sure you were straight."

"Yes. Straight as an arrow." Then Rodney had quickly added, "Not that there's anything wrong with being not straight."

"Rodney. It's okay," John had said.

And it had been. John had asked Rodney out because he could no longer pretend that he didn't want it because of regulations or other reasons. But he would have to accept that Rodney wasn't interested in him that way.

With Rodney's help he had. At the first moment of awkwardness after Rodney's rejection, Rodney had teased John in a practically flirty manner, called him "pretty" and smiled at him so that there wasn't any doubt that while he wasn't interested in John in _that_ way, he still wanted to be his friend.

Back then John had gladly taken all he could get, more than willing to continue their friendship. He'd never know if it would have remained easy, with only a minimum of yearning and fantasizing about Rodney, or if eventually, his unrequited feelings for Rodney would have taken their toll on their relationship.

But he knew that his mindset from back then, when their teasing back and forth had been the essence of their relationship, was gone now. Months with Rodney had instilled in him the knowledge that their banter was only the beginning, the tip of the iceberg, the public face of a relationship that went so much deeper.

And now, a few weeks after he'd gotten out of the machine he was beginning to fear that he had lost that mindset forever.

~~

The time where Rodney had been torn between identifying with the Rodney on screen and not were over.

In the mission after he'd been rescued from capture, virtual Rodney was downright flirty with John. Rodney wasn't sure if John's "nearly nine months" of being together maybe missed a prelude where they'd eased into it.

Either way, to Rodney it felt as if the Rodney on screen was _mocking_ him with his cheerful banter. He didn't even want to know if John had edited out his reactions because it was enough to see him so goddamn happy every time Rodney smiled at him that imagining there was _more_ was downright cruel to Rodney.

He got that John was in love with this guy. John was in love with him and he was gone and it sucked, but _Rodney_ was still here goddamnit. Teyla and Ronon didn't have to deal with this shit. And Rodney was at the end of his patience because there was no indication whatsoever that waiting would do any damn good at all.

If anything it seemed as if John withdrew even more from him.

It couldn't go on like this. Rodney would have to _do_ something. He'd have to talk to John, which wouldn't be easy, but they'd have to decide together what to do, because _this_ wasn't working and he wasn't going to get any more jealous of a stupid guy on screen with his face who had never really existed in the first place.

Rodney decided to give John, give _them_, one more chance to find a way back towards their friendship.

On their next mission, he took the first step and started the snark. John looked a bit surprised, which only illustrated to Rodney how long it had been since they'd behaved normally.

Rodney didn't let John's first reaction discourage him, though. Instead he went on, making fun of John's sense of direction, trying to force him back into the way they acted, counting on the fact that it was simple nature between them, chemistry, instinctual _re_action rather than conscious action.

And it worked! "Says the man who got lost in a mall," John said, rolling his eyes.

"I was a _kid_," Rodney continued, almost giddy. "Besides, I'm not the one who once got lost on his way to a lab."

"I didn't get _lost_. I was just temporarily ... undecisive about which way to go," John said.

"Temporary my _ass_," Rodney said, half-snorting.

Then John's expression turned into a leer and his gaze dipped to Rodney ass. "And what a—" John froze in his tracks, leer wiped away from his face and replaced with a look of shock.

His eyes shot up to Rodney and Rodney wanted to shout, "No, no! Don't stop. Don't shut down now," but it was too late. John looked away, straightened and began walking again more quickly than before.

Rodney wanted to pull him aside and have their talk then and there, but he knew a mission wasn't the right place, so he bit his tongue and waited until they were back.

He even gave John another two hours, before knocking on his office door. Then he entered without waiting for John's answer, determined not to leave until they'd come up with a strategy to really become friends again.

~~

John wasn't surprised when Rodney entered. He knew that they had to talk. He knew that he had to apologize for his completely inappropriate behavior. Rodney would probably brush it off and say it was okay, but it _wasn't_ okay.

Rodney stood in front of John's desk and crossed his arms. He didn't say anything, then he went to the door, locked it and came back and resumed his previous position. The "I want something and I'm not leaving until I get it" position.

John was pretty certain that it wasn't a simple apology that he wanted. But it was the easiest thing John could do. "I'm sorry," he said.

Rodney looked almost confused for a moment, then frowned. "For what?"

"For ...." John didn't know how to end that sentence. Did he really have to _spell it out_ for Rodney?

"For leering at my ass?" Rodney asked, as if it was ridiculous that it could be considered worth an apology.

"Yes. I shouldn't ..." _Have forgotten._ John couldn't bring himself to say it.

"It doesn't matter," Rodney said dismissively.

"It _does_ matter," John disagreed.

"I don't give a damn. If it means we can still be friends, stare as much as my ass as you want to!"

Oh god. _This_ was what Rodney had come to talk about.

John wanted to shrink into his chair and disappear. He'd felt bad about what had happened all mission long and ever since then. He'd felt bad for his behavior and he'd felt _sad_ about what it meant. He'd tried to tell himself that somehow he'd manage to be able to separate the two Rodneys in his life, the real one, his friend of four years, and the one in his mind, his partner for what should have been life.

But now he had to admit to himself that it wasn't going to happen. He could still talk to Rodney, he could still work with him, but he couldn't pretend that he wanted to be just his friend because it simply wasn't true anymore. Being his friend wouldn't be enough. Not after what they'd had. Trying to ignore what had become central to their relationship would be like trying to eat lemon pie without citrus in it. Pointless.

"Rodney," he said sadly.

"What?" Rodney asked, still irritated.

"I can't ..." _Forget._ "Do this," John settled on saying.

"It honestly doesn't matter to me. You can do whatever you have to. I'll trust you're the kind of guy who takes no for an ans—"

"Rodney!" John was horrified. What had happened on the mission was bad enough, but to suggest that it would be somehow okay if John forced himself on Rodney until he had to intervene and _stop_ him. The thought alone made him sick.

"Then tell me what else we can do?" Rodney demanded. "It can't go on like this forever. I mean, you do want things to be different, right? You still want us to be friends?" Rodney's voice became so quiet and vulnerable by the end that John wanted to get up and hug him. And god, this was everything that was wrong with their situation.

"I want to want it," John said.

Rodney looked as if someone had just taken a ZPM from him. "You want .... So that's it? Just like that we're not friends anymore? Four years wiped out like nothing?"

"No," John said automatically. He didn't want to give up their friendship. That hadn't been what he meant. Except ... what else did it mean when he said he couldn't want to be friends anymore?

"Good, then we'll just have to find a way to do it. The problem seems to be that .... Well, when you see me, you see ... him." John could hear the resentment in his voice and some part of him thought it wasn't right that Rodney thought like that of himself. But it wasn't really him, was it? Rodney continued. "So we'll just have make it easier for you. I'm not sure if it will help, but since you never had the time to, uh, recover from losing ... that," Rodney said, and John could practically hear the "_him_" instead of "that". "Maybe we should give you the time. Make you able to _feel_ that that part of your life is ... over."

John had to snort. That was pretty much what he'd been trying to do ever since he woke up.

"Take me off the team."

John's head shot up at that. "No!"

"Hear me out. Take me off the team. Don't talk to me. No lunches together. No meetings. We'll figure out a way to do that. I'd go on leave if I could but the city isn't small so we should be able to avoid seeing each other."

"No," John repeated. He couldn't allow that. He wouldn't take Rodney off the team indefinitely to wait for something that he wasn't even sure he'd know when it happened. If at all.

"John, we have to do _something_," Rodney pleaded.

It was the "John" that did it. When Rodney said his name like that he was completely helpless. And Rodney was right. They had to do something.

He couldn't forget that the friendship he'd developed with Rodney was just the precursor for more. He couldn't simply go back to what to him was a random point in his life a bit over a year ago. What had developed in the four years before the machine now belonged to the Rodney _in_ the machine. John didn't like it, and Rodney certainly didn't deserve it, but there was nothing he could do about it.

However, it didn't mean that they couldn't be friends anymore. In front of him was a smart man who had a great sense of humor. He was a geek with a sharp tongue who _got_ John.

John might not be able to go back to the ease of four years of knowing each other, but maybe they could start from scratch. Maybe if he let the Rodney in the machine have all the memories that John wasn't able to separate from him anyway, they could make _new_ memories between them, something that didn't belong to virtual Rodney.

John got up from his chair. Rodney watched with big eyes as he walked around the desk and stopped in front of him.

"Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard," John said, stretching out his hand.

Rodney looked from his face to the hand, back to his face. "Are you insane?"

"Rodney," John said in a command voice.

Rodney still looked at him as if he was crazy—which might not be far off—but he stretched out his hand and shook John's. "Dr. Rodney McKay."

"It's nice to meet you," John said. "I hope we can become friends."

At that, a look of horror spread over Rodney's face. "John ...."

"We have to do _something_," John said. He wouldn't be able to explain to Rodney why there was no other way.

"But ...." Rodney looked _devastated_. John tried not to think about what he was doing to him. He'd tried. He'd done all he could think of to do, but it hadn't worked. He was doing this for _them_.

"Since you're on my team and everything, maybe we should get to know each other a bit," John pressed on. "How about a game of video golf?"

Rodney kept staring at him. Then he finally seemed to accept. Although accept wasn't the right word. Give in. Grudgingly. "Okay. After dinner?"

"I'll drop by your lab at eight," John confirmed.

Rodney nodded. Then he turned, unlocked the door and left, still looking shocked.

John knew that his idea was a bit insane. Okay, maybe it was _completely_ insane. But he hoped that maybe if he thought of Rodney, of _McKay_, as someone else entirely, he'd finally be able to stop thinking of him as the man he loved.

~~

Rodney made his way to his private lab, unable to face anyone, let alone work.

John had lost it. He'd finally cracked under the pressure and gone insane. Rodney held on to that thought because everything else meant that he was serious and that couldn't be because ....

Rodney could see what John was trying to do. After weeks he'd given up the hope to be able to look at Rodney and see the friend but not the partner. So instead they were going to start over. From scratch.

John was trying to give them a chance to be friends in the only way he saw how, but the cost for this new friendship was losing _everything_ they'd built in the last four yours.

Rodney hadn't wanted to believe that John would give up on their friendship. And while technically he hadn't, to Rodney it felt like that. It felt as if he was saying, "Sorry, but I can't be your friend any more."

Instead they were going to _roleplay_ or whatever it was that Sheppard had in mind. Rodney didn't see how that could ever work out. Not that his idea had been more promising he had to admit. Suggesting to leave the team had been an act of desperation. So, yes, maybe this was just as good.

If he had to choose between starting over and _nothing_ Rodney was going to take the former.

But what really, really _grated_ on him was that in this scenario, where John and Rodney had to give up four years of their relationship, the one who got to keep it all was a fucking illusion!

For a moment Rodney was tempted to start up one of the recordings just so that he could punch that Rodney in the face. But both his monitor and hand were innocent in this, and it wasn't as if virtual Rodney wouldn't keep on living his fucking perfect life of non-existence where he had it all.

Rodney stalked out of his lab to go on working, hoping he'd be able to cool down enough to play a game of video golf with his "new" team leader with an open mind.

~~

John felt lighter after his discussion with McKay. With the pressure gone to do the impossible he finally felt the hope that they could be friends again. It wouldn't be the same. Or maybe it would; They _were_ the same people mostly as those who'd met four years ago and hit it off with surprising ease.

But what really mattered was that there was a chance again now.

As the day went on, he felt something else rising in him though. He eventually left his office a bit early and went to his room. His eyes unconsciously sought out the cabinet where he kept the recordings.

He sat down, powered up his laptop and got out the recordings. He wouldn't look at the private ones. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to do that. But there was the one mission, the mission that changed his life, that he'd avoided to far.

Now he connected the hard drive with the recordings to the computer and started the file. He quickly fastforwarded through how he'd fought his way out and then rescued first Ronon, then Teyla. Then came the moment.

John had planned not to watch it. He'd wanted to stop, mark down the beginning of the cut, then jump to a later point and rewind until he got to the beginning of where the scene would go on for the others. He'd wanted to only see what the others saw because watching the moment where his friend Rodney became his ... everything had seemed unbearable.

He still hesitated now. He paused the tape right as John entered the room and found Rodney alive. This was what he was giving up and why he had to do it.

He pressed play and watched the scene unfold, feeling right along with the John on the screen. The disbelief. The amazement. The peace settling in his chest. Then it was over and John pressed pause again, freezing them in that moment before they went on to escape, hands still touching, a whole new life ahead of them now that everything had changed.

God, he missed him.

He missed him and he missed _them_. John reached out his hand towards Rodney, stopping just short of the screen.

"I love you," he whispered. Then he swallowed around the knot in his throat and added, "Goodbye."

He pressed play again and marked the end of the scene, editing it out. He decided to continue going through the recording until the end of the mission.

While he could see the looks that Rodney and John on screen gave each other, he didn't edit anything out of the rest. It didn't seem quite as important. It wasn't _them_ any longer. Neither Rodney _nor_ John.

~~

Rodney made it to his lab early. Work had distracted him enough that he was no longer floating on a cloud of resentment, but he was still tense, and he still though that Sheppard was crazy and he himself for going along with this.

Once in his lab, Rodney turned on his computer. He hadn't played any video game without John since he'd gotten out of the machine. It just hadn't seemed right.

He still didn't know what Sheppard had planned. But he had the strong feeling that if Sheppard did something completely inane like ask if Rodney had any siblings, this would be over very quickly.

Rodney tried to relax. He should give this a fair chance at least. It wasn't as if they had anything to lose at this point. Plus, crazy as Sheppard's plan might be, it was the first time that he'd agreed—volunteered even—to spend time with Rodney alone after his experience in the machine. So no matter how much Rodney doubted that this would work, it was a first step that they hadn't managed before.

John came in without knocking. He was also a bit early.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey," Rodney answered. He was going to have to take his cues from Sheppard on this one.

John came closer. "You started without me?"

"No. Only loaded the game," Rodney said.

John nodded. So far this was slightly weird, but not cringeworthy. Then John asked, "So, which course were we doing when we last played?"

Rodney sighed in relief. He hadn't been sure how far John was going to take this 'Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, nice to meet you' thing. It seemed they wouldn't have to pretend to be _stupid_, which was something at least.

Rodney loaded up the last save game. John saw the course, opened his mouth, then shut it again. "May the better man win," he said, smiling at Rodney. It wasn't his fake smile, but rather a teasing one, though not quite what Rodney remembered. It didn't hold that special challenge that seemed to say, "Come on, Rodney."

They started playing, and soon John began to ask Rodney about his latest project. It seemed like a small talk kind of thing, but Rodney went along, and John seemed genuinely interested.

So they talked and played, and Rodney felt reminded of the times when they'd had lunch or went on a mission since John's experience in the machine. It was friendly, but it wasn't quite _them_.

Eventually John won and grinned with glee. "Sorry, McKay," he said, not sounding sorry at all.

"We can play something _else_ next time," Rodney said, slightly annoyed. His concentration hadn't fully been on the game, but he still hated losing.

"You think you can beat me at chess?" John asked, getting up. He looked challenging now, but it still wasn't quite the look that Rodney associated with the way John looked at him specifically.

"Oh, yeah," Rodney answered.

"We'll see," John said.

They looked at each other. For a second, Rodney felt as if they both acknowledged that they'd just been playing more than one game. But it had gone better than Rodney expected, which, granted, didn't mean much since he hadn't really expected anything, but it had been _okay_. Not good, certainly not great, but okay.

"I'll see you in the staff meeting tomorrow," Rodney said since he didn't think they were going to talk about this.

"Maybe lunch," John said. "I could pick you up."

"Sure," Rodney said.

John gave him a quick smile and then left.

Rodney sat down on the chair at his desk and sighed.

It had been nothing like they used to play. Part of it was his own fault. He hadn't been able to get really into it, focusing too much on comparing things to before. And competition was one of the highlights of their "play dates". So maybe if he allowed himself to stop analyzing every sentence and just concentrated on winning, it would go better.

Though he knew it wasn't just him. The way John talked and looked at him and acted just wasn't quite the same. He was more sedate. He was more as if they didn't really know each other well. Which ... yeah.

"Nice to meet you," Rodney mumbled to himself. "We should do this again some time."

~~

John wasn't quite sure if their first attempt at hanging out could be considered a success.

On the plus side, it hadn't been completely awkward. They hadn't artificially tried to recreate something that wasn't there. On the other hand, what _had_ been there, hadn't been all that great. It wasn't what he associated with being with Rodney.

Ah! There it was again. He was comparing things to before again, when he was trying not to do that anymore.

He tried to empty his head of all those expectations and see their meeting as what it was. A casual game among colleagues. Just colleagues.

It had been easier than he'd thought not to think of the other Rodney. John wasn't sure why that was. Maybe it was saying goodbye earlier that day. Some part of him had finally let go of Rodney. Although it wasn't just Rodney.

John suspected that was the reason why it had worked as well as it did. He hadn't just let go of Rodney, but also of himself. Or at least those feelings and memories.

After editing the mission that had turned their relationship around, John had continued going through recordings, and he'd felt a weird disconnect. No longer reliving missions as he saw them happen on screen but more detached. He'd forced himself to think of not just Rodney as a different entity from the real thing, but also himself.

For the most part, it had worked. Which was a surprise because this wasn't so different from what he'd tried all along: to distance himself from the experience in the machine. Although there was one significant difference. This time he was willing to distance himself from much more than just that one year that never really happened.

This time he'd allowed himself to see everything related to Rodney as something that had happened to someone else. It was like a TV show he'd watched over the years about two guys—one of whom happened to look and act like him—who became friends and fell in love. It didn't force him to be selective about his memories of Rodney.

Instead, he could pretend that he'd now met a guy who happened to look and act like the guy from that TV show and they could see what happened.

Suddenly, John wondered if watching the recordings in such way was helping with his mental image. Maybe he should have done that all along. Though he didn't second guess himself now. He was going to stick with his current approach and see how it worked out.

And tomorrow he was going to pick Rodney up for lunch and set a date to play chess.

~~

Picking Rodney up for lunch actually turned out be bringing lunch to the lab. Rodney was surprised to see Sheppard arrive armed with two filled trays.

"I figured you'd be busy," John said, pushing the trays onto Rodney's desk. "And you mentioned you found something out about the jumper controls." He smiled eagerly.

Rodney could only smirk. "I said _maybe_."

"When you say maybe, it means 'Yes, but don't hassle me every five seconds.'" John pulled a chair over to Rodney's desk and sat down on it. "Show me."

Rodney was tempted to say, 'For someone you've just met you know me very well,' but he didn't want to push it. If this worked for Sheppard, Rodney would be okay.

As they ate, he starting explaining about the notes that they'd found that might enable them to create something like a semi-autopilot. If it worked the it would take more crude mental commands and would use them to plot out a precise path. It would be entirely useless for Sheppard, of course, who had the jumpers at his beck and call, but for less skilled pilots, e.g. in emergency situations, it could be useful and eventually it might allow them to build an interface to manually enter those crude commands, enabling even non-gene carriers to fly them.

It was all just an idea at the moment, but Sheppard was already thinking about the practical uses.

"We wouldn't have to send teams with pilots on missions to known trade partners just because the settlement is too far to go by foot."

"Although those missions can be nice," Rodney said. Minimal chance of being attacked, _plus_ no walking. What was not to love?

"I'd just like to have the _option_. It doesn't mean we'll never take one of those missions again. Plus such control would be cool for other things. I could probably watch a DVD while with them," John said, eyes glowing at the idea.

"You could do that now, and no, I'm not going to build a DVD player into the jumpers," Rodney said.

"Awww, Rodney," John pouted.

"The last thing I need is being stuck in a puddlejumper ride and forced to watch one of your stupid football games or the documentaries about Earth that Teyla finds so fascinating."

John made a face. "That could be ..."

"Even more boring than watching space flow by," Rodney finished for him.

"All right. But the idea with the controls is nice. Keep me posted on that, will you?" John said, getting up from his chair.

"It's not exactly priority number one," Rodney warned him.

"I know, I know. Just give it a priority above the 'will never get done' threshold, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Rodney said.

John looked at the screen once more, then turned to Rodney.

Rodney knew this look. What came next was the self-satisfied grin that would be followed by an encouraging slap on his shoulder, and then John would saunter out with an easy spring in his step.

Two of those three things actually happened. John did grin self-satisfied and he did leave with a spring in his step. But he didn't put his hand on Rodney's shoulder or arm.

As Rodney watched John walk out of the lab, he suddenly remembered that they were starting new. He hadn't even noticed, so caught up was he with food and explaining the jumper controls.

He supposed it was a very good sign. Of course, discussing the puddlejumpers made it easy to distract them both, but their whole lunch had felt pretty natural.

Although now that Rodney thought about it, John had kept a certain amount of physical distance between them. So often in the past he'd had John leaning in so close that they were touching each other as Rodney showed him something on screen. Today there'd been a healthy distance between them at all times.

Rodney would chalk it up to them having to eat, but they'd been done sooner than Rodney's little presentation had ended and when John had stood up, there'd been no reason for him not to do what Rodney had expected. Except for the reason that Rodney could no longer expect this from John because despite appearances he wasn't quite his old friend.

It was the right direction however. So Rodney was going to just hang in there, treating John like he'd always treated him, pretty much from the beginning, and hope that John would respond in kind, even if he did it as a "new" friend.

~~

John was ready to call his strategy a success.

They weren't quite yet at a place where things were natural between them, but that was okay. And maybe that was just John.

He still took a minute every time he went to see McKay to do a little mental chant consisting of, "He's not the guy on TV," and, "You're not in love with him." Although it felt less absurd every time he did it, and John had the hope that sooner or later, he wouldn't have to do it at all because he would simply be in a mental place where McKay simply was McKay, his buddy.

On their next mission, John felt as relaxed as he hadn't been in a long time. He let McKay go on about his incompetent underlings and threw in a few snide remarks, earning a glare or two which he returned with grin.

It was nice. It was how they—the other John and Rodney—had started way back then.

John also noticed that Rodney had lost almost all of the anxiety he'd displayed during their rough patch. There were still moments, few and far between, where he'd give John a strange look, but overall they were okay.

John would go so far as to say that they were friends again.

They were another mission when John noticed the strap on McKay's notebook coming loose. "McKay, your notebook's flirting with gravity."

"What?" Rodney said turning around.

"Your notebook is about to kiss the ground," John said.

"What the hell are you—"

John rolled his eyes and said, "The strap on your notebook is coming loose."

McKay stopped and looked around. John walked past him and when Rodney still didn't seem to see it, he pointed at it. "There! You're not usually this slow when it comes to your precious equipment," John commented, waiting for Rodney to finally adjust the strap, but he only looked at John in that peculiar way again. "What?" John asked.

Rodney pointed wildly with his finger and frowned at John. "What was that supposed to be?"

"I was just pointing out that your notebook was about to hit the ground. But next time I can ignore it if that's what you'd prefer." John was slightly irritated because he had no idea what the problem here was.

"I _thank_ you for taking the time to inform me, but that wasn't what I meant," McKay said.

"What _did_ you mean?" John asked. He honestly had no idea.

"I meant the _pointing_," Rodney said.

"Well, you didn't seem to get it," John said.

"But why didn't you just—" In that moment, Ronon, who'd stopped before, waiting for them along with Teyla, pulled and fixed the strap on McKay's shoulder. "That exactly," Rodney finished. "Thank you for making my point—and the strap thing."

John blinked. "I wasn't aware that you couldn't fix it yourself," John said, still not getting what the hell they were discussing here.

McKay looked over to Ronon and Teyla then took John's arm to pull him aside. John took a few steps back. "See? This is exactly what I'm talking about."

John had to think for a second what he'd done. He'd only wanted to get out of Rodney's way. Oh.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Teyla, gesturing to Ronon and they started slowly going on without him and McKay. John didn't think that a mission was the ideal place to talk, but they still had a bit to go until they reached the village, and Rodney had a point.

John wasn't consciously aware of it all the time, but somewhere along with his "You're not in love with him" chant, there'd been the "Don't get too close to him" chant.

Physical closeness was one the most noticeable difference between them and the John and Rodney in the recordings. It was a mostly unconscious expression of how close they'd become. Additionally, being physically close held the temptation of forgetting and just reaching out because despite his little chants and relative success in distancing himself from that life, John didn't quite trust himself yet not to forget that they weren't the same people as those on screen.

So he'd had two good reasons why he'd avoided close physical contact to Rodney, and he hadn't thought that it would be a problem. Honestly, he hadn't thought Rodney would even notice. It wasn't as if they'd been all over each other at all times before John's experience in the machine. But obviously, the distance John kept now _was_ noticeable.

"I'm sorry," John said.

"No need to be. You can just stop," Rodney said, sounding slightly frustrated. "I mean now that we're 'new' friends and all, maybe I should make it explicit that I have no problem with touching." To illustrate he poked John in the chest.

"Hey," John said, poking back.

"_Thank_ you," Rodney said. "I'm not asking for hugs or anything—I don't think even the Ancients could build such a powerful machine," John glared at him, before Rodney went on. "But I happen to know that you _do_ in fact touch people, because I _looked_ for it the last couple of days."

John flushed slightly. McKay had _observed_ him? John had to admit he wasn't even _that_ surprised. And at least this explained the occasional strange looks.

McKay starting walking again, catching up to Ronon and Teyla. "If you don't treat me any differently than everyone I'll be fine. I don't expect more. Deal?"

Still walking on, McKay didn't really leave him a chance to discuss this other than grabbing and stopping him. "Deal," John conceded. Then he clapped Rodney on the shoulder. "Buddy."

Rodney snorted. John let go and they walked on.

"You okay?" Ronon called from ahead of them.

"We're fine," Rodney said. "Sheppard's giving up the McKay buffer after I kindly asked him."

Teyla raised an eyebrow at them.

"We can even walk in touching distance now," Rodney said, gesturing at the indeed negligible space between them.

"Awww, McKay. Didn't know you were looking for human contact," Ronon said.

Then he came close and pulled Rodney into a tight hug until Rodney could only gasp, "Help me. Conan the Barbarian is trying to kill me."

John just lightly slapped his back and went on.

Yep. Things were definitely on their way to being like they used to be.

~~

The whole touching thing hadn't _completely_ taken off, but Rodney had made his point and he was willing to steer John in the right direction when necessary.

This meant that if John stood unnaturally far away when Rodney showed him something on his scanner, Rodney would take a step towards him and close the distance. John acknowledged it with a sheepish grin, but didn't say anything.

He also did make an effort not to put a physical distance between them.

As far as other things went, like hanging out and talking: It still _felt_ different to Rodney sometimes, though he had a hard time qualifying the difference.

Looking at the recordings for comparison wasn't quite successful. He _did_ notice the difference in John's behavior towards Rodney, but they had passed the three months mark in the timeline of John's experience in the machine which meant they was an obvious explanation for the way John looked at Rodney in the screen. They were either already a couple or were soon going to become one.

Rodney wasn't sure if there would be a definitive sign where he'd be able to say for sure that they were together. John didn't edit out as many things, but there had been a certain flirtatious note in their banter for a while now, specifically the mission where Rodney had been kidnapped.

So it could very well be that three months machine time would turn into four and Rodney would only be able to say that they were a couple now without saying when exactly it happened.

He did find himself curious though, watching their interactions on screen more carefully again.

Before Sheppard had come up with his crazy but apparently working plan of playing strangers, Rodney had felt far too bitter to really be interested in the relationship as it unfolded on screen between them.

Now, however, that they were in smoother waters again, the curiosity that Rodney had first felt about that relationship was back.

In those first two weeks worry over John had prevailed though, and it was only now that he really started to imagine what that relationship had been like.

He hoped that he would be able to tell the difference, to see what their life as a couple had been like. At least in a professional setting.

Of course, he would _love_ to see more than that but since John chose to cut even moments that had to be harmless, considering they sometimes took place in front of Teyla and Ronon (and more rarely even natives), Rodney didn't think there was any way he'd get to see those recordings other than downright stealing them.

And while the curiosity was killing him, he still had a sense of both self-preservation and decency. He certainly wouldn't risk the friendship that was building between them again.

So the mission reviews were all that he got and at this point in the timeline, Rodney was more eager for them than ever.

The question whether or not he'd be able to tell the difference was answered in the next mission review meeting the team held. The answer was a resounding yes.

More than that, Rodney had hoped to notice something in their behavior or just the way they looked at each other, but what he got was much more.

The mission had started out bad and quickly gotten worse. They'd been surrounded within seconds of stepping through the gate. Neither Sheppard's friendly explorers shtick nor Teyla's attempts had made any difference.

The team was disarmed, and the natives showed a keen interest in their weapons. When they asked where they'd come from, John told them about a tiny little planet of no interest to them. He also wouldn't tell them the gate address to which the leader took exception.

He signalled to the biggest of his soldiers and the sizable man came up and punched John so hard that he fell to the ground, lips bleeding.

Everyone in the meeting room, except John, winced as they watched it. John seemed almost serene considering that things looked really bad. But then he knew how it would turn out.

"You _will_ talk," the leader said on screen, with a smile that made what he said all the more threatening.

Then they were dragged away and John was parted from the others and thrown into a cell.

"Okay, I'll just fastforward through this part," John said.

Rodney raised an eyebrow at that. They'd watched their share of things that weren't the height of excitement, but as John fastforwarded through two hours of sitting on a dirty looking cot Rodney understood. Plus, if he had the burning desire to watch it, he could still do that with his own copy.

Then the tape was returned to normal speed and soon the leader entered again, flanked by two guards.

"Colonel Sheppard, have you by any chance changed your mind about telling me the gate address of your 'little planet'?"

John pretended to think about it. "Uhm. Nope. Not really."

The leader only smiled again. "I thought so. Luckily, there is something that might motivate you. Like the lives of your team members."

John froze. "Look, there's no need to drag them into this. You don't want to go to our planet. You like our weapons? Then let's talk about trading. I'm sure we can find some common ground. How about a common enemy? I'm guessing you're no fan of the Wraith either."

"I interpret this as no." The leader turned to one of his soldiers. "Kill the first."

"No!" John said, throwing himself at the leader, put his was pushed to the ground by the guards.

"I'll be back in ten minutes. Perhaps that will give you enough time to remember."

The leader left and John was alone in the cell again.

It was hard to watch because Rodney—as would Teyla and Ronon—knew exactly what he was going through. They'd been in the situation so often, not knowing if the others were still alive and worse, not knowing if something they did or didn't do might have prevented it.

As they watched, they had the advantage of knowing that the leader wouldn't make good on his threat. But seeing John walking up and down the cell, Rodney still felt the terror that John faced right now.

He tried to rattle on the cot, which was bolted to the ground and wall, but it didn't budge at all. It seemed like a lot less than ten minutes when the leader was back.

"He put up quite a fight," the leader said.

"You're lying!" John said.

"If you choose to believe that," the leader said with a smile. "I'd show you his remains, but there isn't much left of what makes him recognizable."

John took a step towards him and the guards stepped immediately between them, holding John's arms. "Why would I tell you anything after what you just did?"

"I had hoped you'd want me not to do the same to your other friends. And it would be a shame. She's so beautiful."

"Touch her and die," John ground out.

"If you wish," the leader said, turning around.

John began to struggle, still held by the guards and the leader turned around to him again.

"When I come back I expect you to answer. I _am_ a man of my word. If you tell me what I want to hear, you and your friend will be allowed to leave unharmed."

John snorted bitterly.

The leader turned and left, the guards going with him.

John started pacing again. As Rodney watched it on screen, he managed to think beyond John's immediate situation for a moment. He knew that the others weren't going to be killed. Would they storm in and rescue John? Had Woolsey sent another after they missed their check-in?

The leader came back on screen. "Beautiful," he said with a dreamy look on his face. "What a shame."

John's face was stone-cold and Rodney expected him to attack again, futile as it was, but instead he suddenly dropped to his knees, put his hands on his face and cried dramatically, "God, no!"

Teyla's eyebrow rose as she turned from the screen to the others. Ronon smirked. Rodney's eyes just widened a bit.

Then one of the guards was sent to pull John to his feet and Rodney could see their mistake a split second before John managed to pull the guard's uniform jacket aside and grab his gun.

He shot the other guard, decked the now unarmed one until he lay on the ground and had his arm around the leader's throat and the gun to his head before the other guards could even come close.

"Now if you don't want your leader's brain decorating the floor, I suggest you drop the weapons. _Now._"

The leader gave a minute nod and his soldiers dropped their weapons.

"Now get in there," John said, nodding towards the cell. "Keep your hands where I can see them."

He slowly moved out of the door with the leader tightly in his grip. The soldiers filed into the cell, leaving the key outside as per John's instructions.

Once they were inside, John checked the leader for any weapons on his body and locked the guards in the cell.

"Now take me to my team."

"You _really_ don't want to see it," the leader said, looking quite unconcerned despite having a gun to his head.

"I will not leave without my team. You can either help me or not. But it should be obvious to you that if you do not want to help me, you're useless to me. Do we understand each other?" John underlined his point by pressing the gun a bit more into the leader's neck.

The leader seemed to lose a bit of his cool. "This way," he said, nodding down the hall.

They ended up in front of a cell and John managed to open it with the key chain he'd kept from before. Inside he found Ronon, alive and well.

Ronon stared at him wide eyed. Then rushed towards him and punched the leader in the face, knocking him out cold.

"Hey! I was hoping he'd—" John stopped as Ronon pulled him into a bear hug. "Okay. Breathing would be good," he eventually managed to bring out.

Ronon let him go. "He told me you're dead. You and the others."

"That sounds familiar. Let's go get the others, before they notice what happened."

They looked at each for a moment, and Rodney could see the unspoken question: 'Do you really think the others are alive too?'

John turned on screen, and they left, locking up the cell before continuing down the hall.

"Let's hope this is the right way," John said. They came up to another cell. John opened it and after another shared look between him and Ronon, they entered.

Inside they found Teyla, also alive and well, though visibly upset. Though it soon turned into relief.

"John, Ronon," she said, coming closer.

"Yeah, I know. They told us you were dead too," John said.

Ronon put an arm around her and squeezed her for a moment.

"Rodney?" she asked, still looking slightly anxious.

"I'm sure he's okay," John said, though he dropped his gaze, not looking at either her or Ronon.

Rodney had nearly forgotten about his virtual counterpart, so caught up was he with what was happening on screen. Now though he began to wonder how virtual Rodney had fared in the situation.

The team minus Rodney went along the hall, rounding a corner before immediately stepping back again, since there were two guards.

They backed away a bit further and John signed for them to draw the guards away and take care of them. He handed his weapon to Teyla.

Teyla and Ronon nodded. Ronon then disappeared around the corner, shouting, before coming back out, moving the other way. John saw Ronon take care of the first guard following and Teyla coming behind the second one.

He didn't wait for them to finish, instead immediately ran towards the door in the hall.

Rodney expected to see John enter and quickly get his counterpart out, but instead he hesitated in front of the door, leaning a bit towards it and closing his eyes.

He wasn't sure if virtual Rodney was alive, Rodney realized, and as John took a deep breath on screen, Rodney found himself doing the same.

He loves him, Rodney remembered then and knew that within the next seconds he'd know whether they were together or not.

John opened the door and ... came out with Rodney a second later.

Rodney blinked. Teyla and Ronon turned to each other.

John, who'd concentrated on the screen for most of the mission review, looked at them, quickly, before dropping his gaze.

On screen the team went on to fight their way to the gate, but Rodney wasn't paying attention any longer.

Of course. They were at the three months mark. And the look on John's face. The fear of losing Rodney. He could easily imagine John going in and being unable to hide what he felt. Virtual Rodney had to have noticed and this must have led from one thing to another.

Rodney tried to pay attention again at the screen, and indeed, even through their making their way out of the compound, they couldn't keep their eyes from each other. And god. John was looking at his lips. His slightly more red than usual lips.

They'd kissed. That had probably been their first kiss. Heat of the moment, thank god you're not dead, I don't care about the consequences kiss. Wow.

The team finally made it through the gate, John and Rodney exchanging one last look full of promise and desire and _love_, and then the tape stopped.

Teyla looked between John and Rodney, then quickly got up. "Thank you very much for sharing this with us," she said.

Then she gave Ronon a pointed look and the two of them left John and Rodney alone.

Rodney didn't know what to say. He was still pretty much floored by being able to see this. Or not as the case was, but in this case the surrounding part of the hole left a shape that left little to the imagination.

Or much, if you wanted to look at it differently. Rodney found his imagination running wild for sure.

"I, uh. Thank you," he mumbled, unable to say anything else.

John only nodded weakly.

Rodney hesitated for another moment. Then he fled.

He went straight to his room this time, starting up his notebook and looking for the files that John tended to upload right before their meetings, so that they were available when they left.

Rodney started it up and immediately skipped to the cut.

Seventy seconds.

Rodney re-watched the moments surrounding the cut, John's look and the shared looks between them as they escaped. He felt his pulse quicken watching it, even with its central part removed.

He could imagine what must have happened. He could conjure up an image in his mind, but it wasn't enough. He needed to _know_ what had happened between them.

He needed to know what had been so life changing that John couldn't ever forget it. He needed to know the relationship the meant so much to John that he'd given up parts of their friendship for it.

He needed to know, not just this kiss, but what it had _meant_ to them.

~~

Rodney's reaction to the kiss (or what surrounded it) had been interesting. John could sense curiosity in him and nervousness. He wasn't sure how to interpret either.

Rodney hadn't asked for any details, but at lunch the next day, he'd been fidgety and looked at John as if he wanted to say something about it.

John had been tempted to tell him he could act normal around John, but it was probably too early to joke around about that. Plus there was that nervousness which made John curious.

He could understand that Rodney would be interested to hear in an alternative life of his, even though it had only been a simulation. He'd also been curious about what John would tell him about his trip into the future, but he'd accepted when John had elected to only tell them what was essential and teased him about the rest.

This time John had the feeling Rodney hadn't quite worked up the courage to ask, which was unusual for Rodney in general and in particular in regards to John.

Of course, the matter was different in this case. There had never been any doubt that what had happened in the year in the machine was private. And in his trip to the future, he'd been missing and everything that had happened had been about the others.

Finally, there was the matter of the nature of their relationship. John knew that Rodney's curiosity was probably just general, a glimpse into a life he _didn't_ live and couldn't even imagine. However, it still was a romantic relationship with another man, with _John_, that he was so curious about and John couldn't help noticing that Rodney's reactions so far hadn't been that of disgust or mocking or shock.

And the fact that he _hesitated_ to ask John meant that he cared about John's answer—more than could be explained by mere curiosity.

Or he simply knew that John would say no.

John had no problem with sharing the missions. It was valuable, and his team enjoyed it. His relationship with Rodney was still private, however, even if he now tried to look at it not as something that had actually happened to him but rather something that he'd witnessed. Which was really quite accurate if you thought about it.

But John had enjoyed what he'd witnessed. He'd _believed_ in it, he'd lived it as if it was his own life. And they all knew that. So showing it to others would be showing them his deepest wishes and hopes, and he wasn't ready to do that, especially since they wouldn't come true. Probably.

The thing was ... Rodney was interested to hear about his romantic and sexual relationship with John. John knew that there were good explanations for it that didn't mean anything, but his mind just wouldn't let go of the fact and also the way he'd looked when they'd watched the mission. Amazement was one way John would describe it.

And that was a mile away from the pained expression John remembered from when he had first woken up. Back then Rodney didn't have to speak to say, "If there was any way at all in the world, I'd be with you. But there isn't." It had been written all over his body in that moment.

But what John saw right now wasn't the fascination with something that was entirely absurd and unrealistic. It was genuine interest and while John was under no illusion that Rodney had somehow fallen in love with him—he didn't think Rodney would be shy about letting him know—John wasn't quite as certain as before that it couldn't happen under any circumstances ever.

~~

It only took another day for Rodney to show up in John's office.

He gave John the statistics from the latest missions, then hesitated. John was pretty sure that now was the point where he'd ask if maybe John would be willing to share that little missing piece. John had prepared himself to let him down easily, explaining that he wasn't ready to do that. John wasn't sure if he'd always feel that way. Maybe given some more time he'd be okay with it.

"The last mission .... That was nearly nine months before you, uh, woke up," Rodney began.

John looked at him. If you looked at it from the perspective from _inside_ the machine "waking up" wasn't really the right word. But what else could they call it? "Yeah," he said.

"This was .... I looked at the tape and .... This was our first kiss, wasn't it?" Rodney asked, voice sounding a weird mixture of hopeful of vulnerable.

What really got to John though was the "our". To hear Rodney use that word in the context of a kiss, applied to the two of them ... did things to his insides. "It was their first kiss, yes," he confirmed, deliberately changing the pronoun because it was more fitting and to save his own sanity.

"Yes, 'their' of course. Uhm. I know that what happened in the machine is none of our business and I—we all—appreciate that you're willing to share anything, but .... Would you maybe consider, since we're friends and all, would you consider telling me about it?" Rodney finished, and this time it sounded definitely hopeful.

John was a bit surprised. He'd been ready to turn down any request of Rodney to see the missing footage of his life in the machine, but to talk about it .... Talking meant he would remain in control, just like he was in control of the mission reviews, able to edit out anything that was too personal. "Tell you?" he still asked, because he wasn't quite sure what exactly Rodney wanted to know.

"Yes, nothing too detailed, obviously, certainly not ..." Rodney trailed off, face turning a shade of pink. "Just what it was like for us, uhm, _them_. What did we do on weekend? Did Jeannie know? Did we have, I don't know, breakfast in bed or 'our song' or, you know, that kind of thing."

John had to suppress a smile about Rodney's inability to stop referring to them as "we". It warmed his heart somehow both that Rodney seemed comfortable doing that and that he had at least a bit of the difficulties that John had had—and on some level still had—to separate the virtual life from the real one.

And then there was what Rodney was asking of him. He wanted to know what it was like. John didn't know if he could ever put that into words. Their life together had been a string of moments, each with their own range of emotions, that together made something much larger than the sum of its parts. Then there was still the matter of keeping it private at least to an extent. He just wasn't sure how much more than Rodney already knew he wanted to share with him.

"Let me think about it, okay?" he said to Rodney.

Rodney seemed relieved. "That's great! Take all the time you need. No wait! Please not as long as— Not that I can't understand after what you've been going thr—"

"Rodney," John stopped him with a smile on his face. "I got it."

"Ah, good. I'm grateful that you're considering it. I'll leave you to work," Rodney said. He looked at John for another moment, then turned and left.

To John it seemed he walked a bit lighter than before.

~~

Rodney was happy about the outcome of their conversation. John hadn't said yes, but Rodney had expected him to look away and tell Rodney that he was sorry but that he didn't feel up to sharing more of their virtual life than the glimpses they got in the mission reviews. The fact that John hadn't outright rejected his request was a very good sign in Rodney's book.

Rodney was glad he'd taken the chance. After he'd realized that he _really_ wanted to know more about their relationship, he'd quickly come to the conclusion that no matter how much Rodney wanted it, John wasn't likely to offer it. He'd debated with himself whether to ask at all, but in the end there'd been nothing to lose. He'd been almost certain that it wouldn't put a danger to their still a bit fragile friendship to just _ask_.

Now that there was a chance that he might get answers, Rodney found himself wondering about their life in the machine.

One of the most interesting questions was how the machine had come to the conclusion that Rodney would return John's feelings. Did the machine assume he was bisexual?

They still didn't know how exactly which data the machine gathered and how it processed it all. But the results that they'd seen so far had been surprisingly convincing. They'd gone on missions that had played out almost exactly like in the machine. Granted, most of their missions followed a certain pattern of walking, meeting, trade negotiations or running for your life if things went bad. But still, the level of detail was astounding.

It wasn't always like this. There'd been a planet where the infrastructure and culture had developed so much that it had been entirely unrecognizable. But if the data was available and up to date, the simulation was very good.

The simulation of people was one of the things that were amazing. Rodney knew that Matthews would love to get a closer look on the analysis the machine did and on what data it based its conclusions, but there was little that they could find out while the machine was switched off and Woolsey said he couldn't allow them to waste insane amounts of energy for such an experiment.

So what Rodney knew amounted to what he was able to observe himself in the recordings that he had access to. And that was that the machine's representation of people was as faithful as everything else. He'd never felt the behavior of John, Teyla or Ronon jarring. Everything he watched in the mission reviews seemed plausible in itself.

It wasn't 100% the same. E.g. he did remember a certain tension between Teyla and John at the beginning when she'd not yet decided for sure if she would stay on the team. But that tension was natural and consistent with the world that the machine had created.

All of this made Rodney wonder _why_ the machine thought that the development of a romantic relationship between him and John had been a plausible scenario.

And it couldn't just be that John had always wanted it. In fact Rodney wasn't sure if John's feelings for him—of the romantic kind—had existed before the machine. He certainly had never noticed anything. But even if John had been in love with him, he hadn't asked for this to happen. 'Teach me' was what he'd thought.

And nothing else that he could see, certainly not the missions that left one of them hurt or the team that had died, implied that this was just a fantasy come true for John.

So why had the machine thought he was bisexual? And had the Rodney in the machine always been in love with John? There was an increase in flirtyness after the mission where Rodney had been kidnapped. Maybe that had been when virtual Rodney had realized his feelings for John had changed.

It was weird to imagine being in love with John. He'd dismissed it after first finding out about John's life in the machine, because he was straight. But Rodney began to wonder if that wasn't a bit narrow-minded of him. He still considered himself straight, but that didn't mean that he couldn't relate to being in love with another guy.

It didn't mean that he couldn't look at the recordings, at how Rodney had gazed at John and understand the mixture of desire and deep affection. Love was universal and there was no reason for it to be different when you felt it for a woman than when you did the same for a man.

The relationship that John and Rodney had had in the machine might not be something that Rodney could actually see happening in reality, but what it stood for, the feelings of safety, comfort, joy and contentment, was something that Rodney _wanted_ in life. And this was a chance to get a glimpse of what such a life could be like for him.

That this particular glimpse would also include things like kissing and sex with another man was secondary. And Rodney had to admit that he was actively curious about the kiss, and he'd had a stray thought or two about the sex life he and John had had in the machine. He wasn't going to ask about that obviously.

But he did wonder.

~~

Rodney knew that the mission reviews weren't actually predicting how a mission went. It simply used the information it had to present a likely outcome, meaning that missions to planets with hostile natives were more likely to turn out wrong. Which was a given anyway.

However, seeing many of their missions turn out similarly as they did on the mission review must have lured him into a very false sense of safety this time around. When the shooting had started, Rodney had been so shocked that he hadn't been able to move for a second until Ronon pushed him to the ground and out of harms way.

Then the running had started and Rodney had only a faint protest in his head that they had been supposed to be nice and helpful with wonderful food to boot. His disappointment and shock soon turned into something else though.

Half-way to the gate the natives managed to hit John in the leg and he went down. In typical fashion his first reaction was to tell them to go on without him, which they refused. Seeing that they weren't going to leave him to die, John ordered Teyla to make her way to the gate and call for help, while they defended their ground.

They managed to kill the pursuers closest to them, but more were coming and their current position presented them on a silver platter.

"Help me hide in the woods and then you can go on to the gate," John said.

"We're not leaving you," Rodney said, helping John up.

"No, you're going to the gate and wait for the team that Woolsey will send," John said, hobbling off the path into the forest. "Where's Ronon?"

They heard a shot coming from a bit down the road. "I got him. You hide Sheppard. I'll try to draw them away."

"Okay," Rodney said.

"Remember when I was in charge?" John said, sounding just a bit pissed off.

"Yes, Colonel," Rodney said. "You sent Teyla for help and said we'd stand our ground. Which is what we're doing."

John managed to glare at him. Rodney figured that meant it wasn't too bad. He still took a look at the wound and ligated it.

John was biting his lip. No sound was coming from his mouth. Ever the stoic one.

There were shots coming from further away. "Looking for someone?" they heard Ronon through the radio.

John and Rodney shared a look. Ronon would be okay. The natives didn't seem to have an organized army and their weapons weren't a match for them either. But it still was one against many and even if Woolsey sent a team immediately after Teyla explained the situation, it would take a moment.

Rodney looked down at John. His jaw was clenched and the color had left his face. Rodney knelt down and put his hand on John's forehead. It felt cold and clammy.

"You're not fainting are you?" he said. John seemed to be getting worse by the minute. Rodney knew that the last thing they needed now was for him to panic but unfortunately this wasn't just not at all like the mission review of this planet, it also meant that he didn't have the certainty that they were all going to be okay.

"You mean passing out?" John asked with a weak smile.

Rodney blinked. Then he remembered that long ago conversation when they'd just arrived on Atlantis. Rodney was torn between anger that John would joke in this situation and fond remembrance. "Whatever you want to call it," he said.

"'m okay," John said, but his words sounded slurred. This wasn't good.

"Teyla, how far are you?" Rodney asked into his radio.

"Nearly there," she said. He could hear her panting as she ran.

There were some more shots coming from even further away, though slightly more back in the direction of the gate.

They didn't hear anything.

"Ronon?" John asked weakly.

There was no answer on the radio but it was switched on and off. Requesting radio silence.

Rodney and John looked at each other. The natives had to be closing in on Ronon. John slumped down against the tree trunk he'd been sitting at. Fuck.

Rodney straightened him, holding his face. He seemed to have trouble focusing on Rodney.

'Hang in there,' Rodney said silently.

Then there were more shots and Ronon said, "Got them. Teyla are you there yet?"

Rodney automatically turned in the direction that he knew his friends had to be in. They could hear Teyla panting, putting on even a bit more speed, then after a few more seconds. "I'm at the gate and dialing Atlantis."

Rodney sighed in relief. Woolsey would sent help and they'd be okay. He turned back to John, a smile on his face. John wasn't looking at him and instead lifted his sidearm at Rodney.

"What the—"

Then John shot, and behind Rodney a body went to the ground. For a second Rodney could feel or hear nothing but the pounding in his chest. He turned around and saw the lone, armed man that had approached them lying between the trees.

"Sav'd y' life," John said, smiling again though he could hardly turn up the corners of his mouth.

"Yeah, you did," Rodney said.

John dropped the hand with the gun to the ground as if he didn't have the strength to hold it up.

"John," Rodney said. "You have to stay awake."

John blinked at him. "Tired," he mumbled hardly audible.

"I know," Rodney said, "but you can't lose consciousness. You know that. They'll send a team and get us out of here. Just hold on, and then Jennifer can patch you up and you can sleep all you want."

John kept closing his eyes, forcing them open again.

"Come on, John. You've been through worse. This is just a little shot in the leg." Rodney tried not to look at the blood soaking John's BDU pants.

John looked at him, managing to keep his eyes open for a moment. "If I die—"

"Nonononono, there will _not_ be talk about dying. Nobody is dying. There is no dying on this mission! Do you hear me?!"

Unbelievably John smiled at that.

"Mock me all you want. I don't care. You're not dying on me. Not today. Actually, make that not ever. If you're so desperate to go, you'll have to kill me first. And I very much want to live. So you can't die either." Rodney realized that his hands began to shake as much as his voice. But he couldn't help it.

John lifted his hand, slowly but with determination, until he could cup Rodney's face. "Okay," he said. Then he stroked Rodney's cheek with his thumb. "Okay?" John repeated this time as a question.

And strangely enough it was. Not completely, it wouldn't be until they were at home and safe, but the shaking of his hands had stopped. Rodney nodded.

John pulled minutely on his face, and after a second, Rodney went with him until his head was resting on John's shoulder, John's hand stroking his hair.

They stayed like that, and Rodney forced himself to think of nothing but that a team would come for them while they waited.

Otherwise he'd have to question why it was that he felt completely safe right now, in a forest on a planet crawling with natives that wanted to kill them.

~~

Recovery was a bitch. Keller grounded him for at least a week, and Lorne had the brilliant idea to use the time to catch up on paperwork and to discuss a few changes they'd thought on making to the training program for new arrivals.

John knew he'd fallen behind in part because of their mission reviews, so he grudgingly agreed. Thankfully Keller had told him to rest when he felt he needed it, so he called a team movie night the first day after Keller had released him.

It was the latest summer blockbuster action flick, and John prepared himself for a relaxing evening where Ronon would comment on the quality of the fights and explosions, Teyla would ask questions about Earth, and Rodney would bitch about the lack of plot, believable characters, and anything resembling logic. There'd be enough popcorn even for Ronon and Rodney.

The movie started and John's gaze drifted towards his team, Ronon, Teyla, and finally Rodney. And then, as had happened every time since Lorne had flown in with a puddlejumper to pick them up, John's mind turned to what had happened.

Things were a bit hazy. He'd lost quite a bit of blood. But certain things were so sharp in his memory that he couldn't dismiss them even if he had wanted to.

Rodney had become upset—just this side of hysteric—and John had instinctually reached out to comfort him. It had worked.

What was utterly amazing about it, though, and what had only occurred to John later after he'd woken up from surgery was that they'd both acted exactly as John remembered from his time in the machine.

He wasn't too surprised that he'd forgotten himself. It was bound to happen in a situation as stressful as that one. Even in normal situations his mind was still sometimes triggered by the way Rodney looked or acted, and he'd remember.

But it hadn't been just John!

Rodney's worry about him in the situation, the denial that John could die, the refusal to even consider that had been so familiar to John down to parts of what he'd said. But even more amazing than his worry—because Rodney had been worried about him before—was the way he'd reacted to John's touch.

In that moment, John had reached out to comfort Rodney, to ground him, and without thinking Rodney had settled down and let it happen. Just like virtual Rodney had.

John couldn't be sure if Rodney wouldn't have always reacted this way. Since it had never happened before in reality there was no way to tell. But even if this _was_ always the way Rodney would react to John, it only made John wonder what else there was in Rodney that he'd never seen before being stuck in that machine.

Maybe if he asked Rodney out on a date he'd turn him down, but at some point when John's life was in danger again, he'd realize that he'd been wrong and wouldn't reject John a second time. Maybe all of what had happened _could_ happen in reality because the potential that the machine had somehow seen had always been there.

John tried to dismiss this whole train of thoughts. He remembered their strained relationship not too long ago too well to risk it again and this wouldn't just be asking Rodney out after realizing he was in love with him. Rodney would inevitably draw the conclusion that it had something to do with their life in the machine and he wouldn't be wrong. But he might think that John was merely trying to re-create what he'd lost. Which was both true and not true.

He did want to recreate it insofar as he wanted them to be happy together. But he didn't want the exact same life. He wanted a reality with Rodney and he simply _hoped_ that it would be like in the machine. And now he was beginning to believe that it could actually happen.

John realized that his old "I'm not in love with him" mantra had pretty much flown straight out the window, along with the "He's not the guy from TV". Even though Rodney wasn't the _same_ person. They weren't the same in terms of experiences and their relationship with John. But after the last mission John felt that Rodney was that person in every regard that mattered.

Rodney _could_ fall in love with him. It didn't mean that he would, it didn't mean that things would turn out the same for them, but it meant that the story of John and Rodney's relationship wasn't just John's anymore.

He was going to share it with Rodney. Not everything. He still hadn't watched the private recordings himself, and he wouldn't show them to Rodney. But he could tell Rodney what he wanted to hear.

He would tell him how he'd turned down John because he'd thought he was straight, how they'd continued on after that, and how that mission had changed everything. And then he'd tell Rodney about their life together.

John hoped that in the end, Rodney would realize that he didn't just want to hear that story, but that he wanted to live it. With John.

~~

Rodney used the time that the team was grounded to catch up on a few of his projects. The mission reviews and spending time again with John had put him behind a bit. And it meant that he was distracted.

Rodney didn't handle situations like the one on the mission very well. He hated being helpless and surrounded by people who were trying to kill him. Fearing for John's life only added to that.

But when they'd waited, sitting close together .... It had been bearable then.

Rodney was aware that the way John had comforted him—which in itself was kind of absurd, considering the situation—wasn't normal. At least not for them. This wasn't by any stretch of the imagination the only or even the worst experience they'd had of that kind, but John had never touched him like this before, and Rodney didn't know how to deal with that.

The act itself had been the best possible way to handle the situation, but Rodney wondered why it had happened _now_.

Actually, he didn't wonder because he knew damn well why it had happened now. And that was the problem really. It was obvious to him that John had acted the way he did because of his experiences in the machine. And while this was more than okay with things like specific knowledge about weapons, in their relationship it just rubbed Rodney the wrong way.

It bothered him that it felt as if John hadn't really done it for _him_. And Rodney realized it was only made worse by the fact that Rodney _wanted_ it to be for him.

He was jealous of his virtual counterpart again, and Rodney tried very hard not to be because it felt wrong and was pointless, and he didn't really want to consider what it meant.

Which was why when John came to visit him in his lab one evening a few days after the mission to tell him that he'd be willing to talk about their relationship now, Rodney wasn't as happy as he would have been just a few days before.

He didn't say no though, curiosity rising in him again.

They were alone in the lab, and John sat down, propping up his leg on a chair.

"Okay. I've thought about this, and since you want to know what it _meant_ to us I think I'll need to give you some context," John began.

Rodney nodded.

"My relationships never went very well. I first ... well, I'm not even sure what you want to call it, but I was sixteen and he was a good friend and you know how it is ...."

Rodney knew what it was like to be sixteen, though he wasn't sure he knew what John was trying to tell him here. He still nodded, because John looked like he had a hard time talking about this as it was. Which wasn't a surprise because this was John Sheppard talking about himself more or less voluntarily.

"It was great for a while, but then it just stopped, and he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He got himself a girlfriend, and when I tried to ask why we couldn't at least be friends again, he said ... he called me a faggot in front of half the school."

"Fucking asshole," came out of Rodney's mouth. He wasn't actually surprised that these things happened in the US (and who was he kidding, he was pretty damn sure they happened in Canada too even if hopefully not as frequently). But it still made him angry.

John snorted. "Well, yes, he was. Or actually, I don't know, I guess he was just in denial and letting his self-hatred out on me."

"And that somehow makes it okay?" Rodney asked because it really didn't in his book.

"No, I guess not," John said, getting a far-away look.

"What happened? I'm guessing this didn't make you the most popular kid in school. Or actually, _were_ you one of the popular kids in school?" Rodney almost hoped against hope that this would be like an uplifting movie where rumors about the high school football captain made everyone realize the error of their ways or something.

"I was ... you know, actually, I think that's a bit outside of the scope of what I wanted to tell you. And I only told you about _this_ because I want you to understand why I continued the way I did."

Rodney nodded, although he still was kind of curious. Maybe he could ask John another time.

"I got myself a girlfriend too," John said quickly, looking away as if he was ashamed to admit it.

Rodney tried to process it, but it didn't click. "There's not actually anything wrong with dating women," he ventured.

John looked at him. "No, I .... You don't understand. I only did it to prove that I wasn't ... what he called me. Plus my father, well, someone must have told their parents who told my father."

"And he wasn't happy," Rodney guessed. His own relationship with his parents wasn't always the best but he believed they'd been okay with him being gay or bisexual.

"He made very clear what was expected of me. And even when I left and decided I wouldn't let my father rule my life part of it must have stuck _here_," John said, pointing at this head. "I had sex with guys in college, but I didn't _date_ them. I dated women, and I even married one just because I thought I had to. No, because I tought I _wanted_ to."

"But you didn't," Rodney said.

"Getting a divorce was the best thing I ever did for Nancy. I never should have married her."

"You're gay," Rodney said. He might not be the best person at reading between the lines, but this wasn't so much between the lines are already half _on_ the lines.

John looked at him for a moment. "Yes."

Rodney wasn't sure what to say to that. He'd always though of John as a personification of Kirk, flirting his way through Atlantis and the Galaxy. Although not as much in the last year or so. "And the women that you ...?" Rodney asked, because there was no denying that there had been women.

"I _like_ women and I thought .... I might have known I was gay when I was sixteen but denial can make you blind to a lot of things if you really don't want to see them. I kept telling myself that I just hadn't met the right woman. And I never allowed myself to feel more for a man."

And this was where they came back to their story. "Until you met me," Rodney said. At least he thought that was what John was saying. He kind of hoped it was that. He didn't even know why. He just had the feeling he didn't want to hear about John falling for some other guy.

"Oh, yeah. You swept me right off my feet," John said, smirking.

"Really?" Rodney asked hopefully. He'd never swept anyone off anywhere.

John gave him a look.

"Oh," Rodney said disappointed. "It _could_ have been love at first sight," he added somewhat defensively.

"It wasn't. You were arrogant and prickly and what the others warned me about was mostly true," John continued, sounding amused.

"Well, thanks a lot," Rodney said unhappily, crossing his arms. This wasn't how he'd thought their conversation about their relationship would go.

"But honest," John continued, softer this time. "I liked that a lot."

Rodney was a bit mollified and uncrossed his arms. "And over time ..." he prompted.

"Yeah," John said, pausing for a moment, mind seemingly somewhere far away. "Though I didn't see it," John continued eventually, looking at Rodney. "I never considered a relationship with a guy on Atlantis. But, yes, I think unconsciously I've been falling in love with you ... him long before I noticed."

_Him_. Rodney couldn't help the stab of jealousy at that. That hadn't been _him_. Not before John got in the machine. That had been _Rodney_, at least before John had decided to perform a magic trick of mental tabula rasa and give all of those memories to _him_ as well.

Rodney didn't even think he could protest. He couldn't insist that John had fallen in love with _Rodney_ and not the guy in the machine. It would be weird to want to be loved when you didn't return the feelings. At least not like that. Not quite like that.

"You realized it in the machine?" Rodney asked, both to keep himself from thinking more about this and to clarify that John hadn't been aware of his feelings for Rodney before. He'd been curious about that after all.

"Yes. P5X-685. The mission where you single-handedly climbed the wall and turned the shield on them," John said.

There was a fond admiration in his voice, and Rodney felt jealous again. He wanted to believe that he could be that superhero. And he knew he'd be willing to do anything for his team if there was no other way, but it still felt as if that hadn't been him. Especially now that John told him it had made him fall in love with him.

No. Not fall in love. _Realize_ it, Rodney reminded himself. He'd said he'd fallen for Rodney before. Some part of Rodney was aware that it shouldn't matter so much to him, but he held on to that distinction.

Then it occurred to him that in the timeline of John's year in the machine it was way too early. "You didn't say anything, though," he told John to make sure. "Before we ... kissed, I mean."

"Actually, I did. I asked you out on a date," John said lightly.

"A _date_?" Rodney asked. So far he'd only imagined John storming in dramatically to free him, kissing Rodney on impulse, and Rodney being unable to resist, having realized he loved John too. This sounded far more mundane.

John laughed. "That's what _he_ said."

"I was _surprised_?" Rodney asked.

"Yes," John said. "And then ... you turned me down."

Rodney blinked. He tried to get the timeline sorted in his head. He knew that Rodney had returned John's kiss at the three months mark and there'd been flirting starting before that. He didn't really know how the machine had thought Rodney felt before that. But apparently its Rodney hadn't expected John to be interested in him that way either. And it had made Rodney turn him down. "Why?" Rodney asked, just a bit nervous about the answer.

"Because you were straight," John said matter-of-factly.

Well, that answered that question. The machine had gathered its data and thought that Rodney would turn down the offer to go out with John. Because he was straight. It had gotten that right. Except that it didn't really make any sense because he very obviously was _not_ straight. In the machine that was. Where he'd begun a relationship with John only a few weeks later. "Because I was _straight_?" Rodney eventually managed to ask.

"Yes," John said. "The machine must have known you were ... are."

Rodney appreciate John amending that, but it didn't change what had happened in the machine. "But I changed my mind," Rodney said, almost afraid to hear more.

"Yes. The machine must have concluded that under the right circumstances ..." John trailed of. To Rodney it didn't sound like a statement (even an unfinished one) so much as a question. A question Rodney didn't think he was ready to answer. To himself, much less to John.

"Obviously," Rodney said awkwardly. "It's, uh, getting late. I think we should call it a night." It wasn't really _that_ late, but Rodney couldn't really say, "I think that's as much as I can take for now."

John seemed to sense it anyway. He nodded and said, "Okay."

Rodney watched as he got up, pulling his leg from the chair. He gave John an awkward smile. "I'm just going to finish ...." He gestured at his desk.

John nodded again. "Goodnight, Rodney," he said, looking at him for a moment before turning and leaving.

"Goodnight, John," Rodney whispered once he was gone.

It didn't mean anything Rodney tried to tell himself. The machine couldn't read his mind. It had just made a guess based on what John had experienced. And if it all sounded real, frighteningly real, then that was just coincidence.

Before his mind could delve any further, Rodney decided to work a bit more until he was tired enough to go to bed and fall asleep at once.

~~

John went back to his room. His leg hurt a bit at the end of the day, so he got his laptop and lay on the bed. He should be preparing the next batch of mission reviews, cutting out the bathroom breaks and possibly some of his moments with Rodney.

However, before he even started up his laptop, his mind drifted to his conversation with Rodney.

John knew that Rodney was beginning to have doubts. The complete lack of mocking or even mentioning that the machine had gotten Rodney's sexual orientation wrong was a very telling sign. So was the way Rodney kept saying "I" when referring to virtual Rodney.

Unfortunately, Rodney didn't seem to embrace the idea that maybe he was more like the machine had seen him than he thought.

It wasn't that John had really expected him to just shrug his shoulders and say, "Wow. The machine seems to have gotten a lot of things right, so maybe it got this one too. Why don't we just go out on a date and see what happens?"

But John had hoped he'd be more open to the idea. Instead it felt to John as if he was fighting it. And he knew Rodney could be very stubborn.

Thankfully John was usually very good at getting through his defenses. He thought of their life in the machine and how he'd try to placate a pissed off Rodney. Rodney was so responsive to his touch. John thought about his reaction in the forest on their last mission. Real Rodney reacted the same. And that was why, no matter how stubborn Rodney would turn out to be in this matter, John would keep fighting for their chance to have the life they'd shared in the machine.

He only hoped Rodney would let him.

~~

Rodney managed to keep himself busy the next days. There was work, another team night and more mission reviews, during which Rodney tried very hard to concentrate on things like terrain and Teyla's diplomatic talent and not the way Rodney and John were looking at each other on screen.

It wasn't too overt or anything. They weren't holding hands or gazing into each other's eyes all the time, but every now and then they'd share a look and smile.

It tore at something in Rodney's heart. John hadn't continued with their story. Truth be told, Rodney might have been trying to avoid him since he'd started.

The way that the machine had gotten their lives so right had always been fascinating to Rodney. All the mission reviews he'd watched had been plausible and something that could happen to them pretty much the same way in real life.

Their relationship had been the one big difference.

The machine had gotten so much right, but not that. Except that now Rodney was beginning to question that. If the machine had had Rodney always in love with John, secretly until John made the first move, Rodney could have shrugged it off and said, "Well, close, but still a miss."

Rodney definitely hadn't been in love with John before he'd been stuck in the machine. He'd never even thought about him in that way. And the machine hadn't gotten that wrong.

From what John had told him, Rodney's reaction in the machine when John had asked him out on a date had been the same as his own when he heard about it. This meant that the machine had gotten even that right.

And it made it impossible for Rodney not to wonder, "What if it got the rest right too?"

Rodney had a hard time facing that question. It wasn't even the answer that he was afraid of. If he was honest with himself he could admit that the answer was that the machine could have gotten the rest right too. Rodney _could_ be falling in love with John.

The last weeks he'd spent so much time thinking about them in a romantic context that it was natural to ask why. He could have chalked it up to curiosity but curiosity wouldn't explain why he felt the way he did about everything he'd seen. The looks John and Rodney had shared after the unseen kiss had made Rodney imagine it, repeatedly and great detail. And he'd imagined other things, even though he'd tried not to. Not to mention the mission where John's touch had managed to calm him and made him feel like he never wanted to give up being so close to him.

Rodney might not be ready to say he was in love with John, but it would be willfully blind of him to insist it wasn't possible. It was. There. He'd finally admitted it.

It didn't make him feel better though, because what bothered him wasn't so much the fact that he might be in love with John, but that it took a stupid Ancient machine to bring this out. It just didn't seem right that a _machine_ should know him better than he himself did.

That was why he was feeling conflicted about hearing more. Part of him wanted to hear about how Rodney had changed his mind, and he still didn't know anything about that kiss other than that it had happened. But another part didn't want to hear about a machine telling him what he'd been too blind to see.

In the end Rodney swallowed his pride though. He didn't want to avoid John any longer. He didn't deserve it and Rodney _wanted_ to spend time with him and listen to him talking about something that meant so much to him.

He went to John's office.

"Rodney," John said, smiling when he saw him.

"Do you have time now?" Rodney asked.

"Going over mission rosters, so yeah," John said, happily shoving the laptop aside. "What's up?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to continue telling me about ...." Rodney trailed off, unwilling to put into words at the moment.

John looked at him, then he blinked and quickly said, "Yes, of course."

At least John seemed to be pretty eager about this discussion. And really, it wasn't as if Rodney wasn't still curious. He just a few issues he had to sort through in his head. He sat down in the chair opposite of John.

"I think we were at the part where you turned me down. And actually, I should say that I didn't immediately ask you out when I realized that my feelings were ... what my feelings were," John said.

"You didn't think I'd say yes?" Rodney guessed.

"That was one of the reasons," John said. "There was also Don't Ask, Don't Tell and fraternization rules. I wasn't sure how it would affect our work. And I knew we'd have to hide our relationship, and I felt that even in the unexpected case that you _weren't_ straight, there was so much that could go wrong that I didn't want to risk it."

"You thought I'd react badly?" Rodney was a bit hurt by that.

"No!" John said immediately. "But it would have possibly made things awkward between us. I mean ... I know that you can't compare the situation but the last month wasn't exactly easy."

Rodney only nodded. That was the understatement of the year. And if he really thought about it, they still hadn't regained their footing, ever since that terrible moment when the machine had swallowed John.

"And it was all very new to me. I'd never ..." He looked away, but then turned to look deliberately at Rodney. "I'd never felt that way before."

A shudder went through Rodney. He could _see_ the love in John's eyes in that moment. But in the back of his mind a voice asked if it was really _him_ that he was seeing.

"I think part of me wanted to hold on for that feeling," John continued. "It was okay not to share it. It was okay." He looked at Rodney as if to ask if he made sense.

"It didn't hurt," Rodney said, because that was what he read between the lines. Unrequited love sucked, but falling in love itself could still feel good. His mind flashed to how he imagined Rodney must have felt when John first kissed him.

John frowned, considering his words. "Yes. Yes, maybe that. I can't say how I would have felt after a year or even a few months. When they kidnapped you, I realized that my feelings for you already affected how I reacted when something happened to you on a mission but that I could deal with it. And I knew that there was no good reason not to at least try. We never know when our time is up. There's no point in not trying to make the best of it."

"Very philosophical," Rodney mused. John snorted. But Rodney could see it. And he remembered the recordings of it, how desperate John had seemed to save him, to the point where Rodney had felt uncomfortable about being able to see it.

"That was when I asked you out, and that was when you turned me down," John continued. "And you were great afterwards. When we had our first awkward moment, you just slapped my back and said, 'Don't be shy now. Even though you're very pretty when you're shy.' and then you actually held my chin."

Rodney had to chuckle at that. He remembered that playful flirtyness. John must have cut out that particular moment or it had happened outside of missions, but that vibe had definitely been there then. He also remembered how jealous he'd been when he'd first noticed it in the mission reviews. When he looked at it now, he could only feel respect for virtual Rodney for being able to handle it so without fuss and for trying to make it easy for John.

"You were a pain in the ass that first mission, but it really helped," John went on. "I felt that things would be okay between us. And that was—and is—what's most important to me."

Rodney nodded. Whatever else happened they could agree on that. "So we were just friends until the mission on P3X-989?"

John nodded in confirmation.

That's what Rodney had thought. So his idea of a dramatic kiss in a life or death situation hadn't been wrong. He was pleased about that. And curious. He'd only been able to see the moment where John took a breath and prepared himself to face Rodney. Now he'd finally hear about what had happened on the other side. "So you found me alive and you couldn't hold back. You just had to kiss me. And I was okay with it," he explained his own vision, hoping to hear it finally confirmed.

But John's answer was, "No."

"Oh." Rodney didn't hide his disappointment. "I wasn't okay with it? At first?" he ventured. Because he could see that. Being too shocked at first and pushing John away.

"Well, no, you were, right off the bat. But I didn't kiss you," John said.

Now Rodney was confused. "But you said it was our first kiss."

John didn't say anything. He just looked Rodney as if he was waiting for—

"I kissed you?!" Rodney screeched. In all his fantasies of the kiss it had always been John who'd initiated it. Rodney tried to go back to what he remembered of the recordings. It had been about John, of course, his disbelief and determination and relief. But he'd gotten glimpses of Teyla's and Ronon's reaction. They'd told everyone the others were dead. Could Rodney in that situation have realized that he wasn't straight after all?

"You don't believe me," John said.

"No, I just ... I always imagined it was you."

John gave him a long look. "I could show you," he said eventually.

Another shudder went through Rodney. Maybe it was just his imagination, but John's voice had sounded deeper, sexier somehow when he'd offered it. Offered .... Finally Rodney realized what John had just offered. "Yes!" he said quickly before John could change his mind again.

John's mouth quirked up into a fond half-smile. Then he got up from his chair. "Then let's go."

~~

John's decision to share the tape with Rodney had been spur of the moment. When he'd seen Rodney's disbelief, he'd wished he could show him, and then he'd realized that he actually could.

He needed Rodney to see and believe. He could feel that Rodney wasn't completely closed off to the idea. He'd sounded so disappointed when John had told him that his vision—and Rodney must have thought quite a bit about this—was wrong.

Now John wanted to see his reaction to the real thing.

They went to John's room, and John connected the hard drive with the recordings while Rodney stood fidgeting as if he was barely able to contain his anticipation. It was kind of adorable to watch. And it made John hopeful.

He found the recording of the mission and fast-forwarded to the moment where John went to free Rodney.

Rodney stood in front of the desk, next to where John was sitting, and looked intently at the screen.

John hit play, and on screen John ran to the door, before taking a moment before he could face the situation. Instead of recalling what it had felt like John turned to Rodney. He knew what was going to happening even without watching.

John had entered the cell and sighed in relief when he'd found Rodney alive and well, standing at the wall near his cot. Rodney, however, hadn't been relieved. He'd been shocked. He'd stared at John as if he had risen from the dead, which, of course, had been what had happened—from his perspective at least.

John watched Rodney watch the scene on the laptop monitor. He looked almost as stunned as the Rodney on screen.

John had walked up to him, a smile on his lips, ready to say, "Yes, I'm alive," and then maybe to tease Rodney how he would have missed John, but when he'd been close enough to put a hand on Rodney's arm, Rodney had simply put his hand on his face and roughly pulled him into a kiss.

Rodney gasped as he saw it. His eyes were glued to the screen as John froze and then finally reacted. John remembered the moment when he'd realized that Rodney had changed his mind. The kiss had been desperate, passionate, and it had felt like it lasted forever.

Eventually they'd pulled apart enough for Rodney to say, "I thought you were— I thought I'd never get to tell you that—" Then he'd kissed John again.

Rodney's eyes glazed over as he watched. John smiled. Rodney couldn't possibly still think he wasn't interested in John after that.

Their second kiss hadn't lasted as long because John had pulled away. "We need to get out of here," he'd said regretfully.

"Yes," Rodney had agreed. "But tonight ..."

"Are you asking me out on a date," John had asked teasingly. _Happily._

"No," Rodney had said, waiting for a second to see John pout. "But if you ask me again, I won't say no."

"We really have to ..."

"Yes," Rodney had said and pulled him into another quick kiss. Then he'd squeezed John's hand and they'd been off—and the recording resumed at the point where John had ended his cut.

Rodney looked dazed. John wasn't sure if he was even aware that he wasn't alone. "Rodney?" he asked carefully.

Rodney turned to him and blinked as if he had to come back to the present. He stared at John.

John didn't think he was able to talk any more today. "Do you want a copy?" he asked, sure that Rodney would have to think after this and wanting to help him come to the only conclusion John could and wanted to see.

Rodney still only stared at him, before finally saying. "Yes."

"Okay," John said giving him a smile. "I'll upload a copy to your account." He went to do it at once, not sure if he wouldn't have to _walk_ Rodney to his room, out of it as he seemed to be. But as he selected the file and uploaded it with the proper authorization, Rodney seemed to snap out of it.

"Okay, thank you," he said quickly, and when John turned around, he was already at the door and then disappeared through it.

John could only smile to himself.

~~

Rodney practically _ran_ to his room, shushing a marine on the way, who thought something really bad must be happening.

Then he was there, starting up his laptop and looking for the file. He pressed play with a slightly shaking hand, and then he could see it again.

That first look had been enough to tell Rodney everything he needed to know about how Rodney felt in that moment. He'd thought John was dead. He'd thought he'd lost him, and he'd realized that he loved him but that it was too late.

Rodney thought of their last mission, of how unable he'd been to face even the possibility of John's death.

On screen Rodney pulled John into a rough, desperate kiss, and Rodney could only think, "Yes, thank god, it's not too late." He could _feel_ the desperate need that made the Rodney on screen hold onto John and then run his hands along his body as if he needed to make sure that he was really there and alive.

And then came Rodney's words, unfinished but still loud and clear in what he wanted to say. Rodney was right there with him. He wanted to kiss John again too when Rodney did it on screen.

Except that he had never kissed him in the first place. Well, he had, twice, reluctantly, pretending. He wouldn't be pretending now.

On screen John and Rodney prepared to leave, and Rodney rewound the recording and started it again.

He could feel everything that Rodney on screen felt. He loved John. He wanted to be with John. He wanted the life in the machine.

Rodney stopped the recording mid-kiss and sat heavily on the bed. He wanted the _life in the machine_. Only he _didn't_. He wanted reality. He wanted to know that when John looked at him he saw Rodney, not a virtual representation, no matter how accurate it was.

And now he looked at the screen and knew that he wanted to kiss John, but that he couldn't say for sure if those feelings were even really _his_.

Rodney had never hated the Ancient training machine more in his life.

~~

John had hoped that showing Rodney the kiss would make him realize that he felt the same as virtual Rodney. Unfortunately it wasn't quite like that.

Rodney behaved ... strange. There was a certain awkwardness in his behavior towards John. He'd also blush at times, and John thought in those moments he probably recalled their kiss or maybe even imagined some of the things that John _hadn't_ shown him.

John wondered if he fantasized about them. John himself had tried to avoid that when he'd first gotten out of the machine. Back then forgetting what had happened had been his primary goal. Now though he couldn't help imagining sex with Rodney. He knew that he could watch it if he wanted to, but he rather left those recordings untouched and instead imagined what it might be like with the real Rodney.

John was convinced that Rodney was interested in him. His look when he'd watched the kiss .... John could hardly get it out of his head. And there was so much more than that.

Their life in the machine had been wonderful. The easy way they handled each other had always been present in their relationship, but after becoming a couple they'd been more free to express their feelings for each other through physical closeness—deliberate and unconscious.

Since Rodney had reacted so well to John's touch on their last mission and wasn't even turned off by the idea of _kissing_ John, John no longer felt the need to try and keep a modicum of distance between them and to make sure that he did not overstep the boundaries of their friendship.

He started giving in to every impulse to casually touch Rodney, and he smiled at him and leaned deliberately close when Rodney showed him something on a screen. Being free to do that was wonderful by itself.

But even better was that Rodney reacted—_every single time_.

A little shudder would run through him when John stood behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. He'd unconsciously lean into John or he'd automatically return one of John's smiles.

John _knew_ that Rodney obviously wasn't ready yet to make any declarations. And he could accept that. It had taken John twenty-five years and a lesson in an Ancient training machine to realize that he was gay and that the elusive 'right' woman for him simply did not exist. So he could wait and let Rodney come to terms with the fact that he wasn't straight but bisexual.

He still wished he could speed up the process a bit. He enjoyed this phase of deepening their relationship without taking it to the next level yet, but he knew that there was so much more to come for them.

It was all a long journey that had started in Antarctica over four years ago, and little by little it had developed into friendship and love and neither of them had really noticed it until the Ancient machine made it visible to them.

He thought about the little things that he'd edited out of the recordings, that hadn't even been anything extraordinary until John had been able to look back and put them into a different context. They'd definitely been on their way here even before the machine.

He realized that there was no reason for him not to share those little scenes with Rodney now that he'd seen the turning point in their relationship. John decided to collect all of the scenes that he'd edited out and uploaded them onto Rodney's account.

He hoped that Rodney would look at them and see what John had seen: The two of them as they'd always been—two men who were meant to go through life together.

~~

"Check your recordings folder," John had said, walking past Rodney after breakfast, hand casually squeezing his arm. His voice had been deep, like a promise or a secret, and he had smiled at Rodney in that way that ... in _that_ way.

He was driving Rodney crazy.

And Rodney couldn't even say whether it was in a good way or a bad way. Every time John came close to him—which lately seemed to be every time they were in the same room—Rodney wanted to reach out and touch him. And every time came on the heels of that impulse the doubts and fears.

His mind was filled in turn with scenarios of utter bliss and complete destruction of most of what he valued in his life.

Every time he watched the kiss, he thought about the date that had followed, the _life_ that had followed. He could imagine making out with John, having sex with John, going on vacation together, settling down together.

Then he'd suddenly be reminded that all the things he could imagine didn't come from his mind but from a machine which had made it all up and fed it directly into John's brain. His didn't doubt that John _thought_ he loved Rodney. He didn't think that John was consciously using him to relive his glory days of the machine. But for John even more than for himself it wasn't too far-fetched to assume that his feelings, plausible as they might seem to him now, _could_ be the result of an accidental or deliberate brainwashing.

They still didn't know all that much about the machine, and sometimes Rodney couldn't help wonder if that might not have been the purpose of the machine after all. That the "training" was more of a re-education to force people in line who didn't adhere to the ideals of the Ancients. Or it might have been a way to speed up ascension.

And even if there was nothing sinister about the machine and John's feelings were completely genuine, there was the matter of Rodney's feelings. Just a few weeks ago, Rodney had never entertained any thoughts about John in a romantic context. When he'd learned about what John had gone through in the machine and seen it with his own eyes, he'd desperately wished he'd be able to return his feelings but couldn't.

But after watching footage of them, being enticed by what had been edited out, and then being first told and then _shown_ what it was like ... he'd apparently changed his mind. It was a fact that he'd been influenced by what had happened in the machine. He didn't for one second believe that without that influence he would have suddenly fallen in love with John. But had it just opened his eyes to something that had always been there?

John seemed to think that was the case for him. But Rodney wasn't so sure about himself.

His only gay encounter had been experimentation with a guy in university which had only proven to him that there was in fact such a thing as getting a bad blow job. His natural curiosity satisfied after that experiment, he'd never felt attracted to a guy or fantasized about sex with a guy again. He was aware of good-looking guys, of course. He'd always felt that those guys who said they "couldn't see it at all" were just overly defensive of their manliness. After all women had no problem judging other women's looks.

Which left him with two possibilities. He'd either somehow failed to notice that he could indeed be interested in other men for most of his life. Or what he felt for John was extraordinary—out of the norm. Which brought him back to the machine as the most plausible explanation for that.

The reason why all this was such a problem for him—because he could choose not care about the reasons and just run with it—was that if he was wrong and this was the machine, there was the possibility that one day he'd realize that these feelings weren't his own. It didn't matter so much what this would mean to him, but he knew that it would break John to have this happen to him _again_, and Rodney could never do that to him knowingly.

He loved John too much for that. He might have his doubts about his romantic feelings for John, but of his love he was sure.

~~

The missing bits of the recordings weren't actually romantic or even leading up to it, Rodney noticed.

When he watched the first, he wasn't even sure why John hadn't left it in the mission review in the first place. It was just their usual banter, nothing that they hadn't done before. _They_ as in the real them, not just in the machine.

But as he kept watching these little moments in isolation, Rodney could suddenly see why John had edited them out. As a single moment none mean anything of significance. A glance here, a smile there, and their usual back and forth that had developed relatively quickly after they'd arrived in Atlantis.

But taken together they showed a picture of familiarity and compatibility. I might not be overtly romantic but he could see the basis of a shared life. It was friendship, certainly, but between the lines and in the way that John but also Rodney would let a gaze linger just a bit longer than necessary there was also the promise of more.

Rodney had to wonder if those moments, which he remembered between them since long before the machine, were somehow proof that what had happened in the machine and as a consequence in their lives had been inevitable or at least likely.

He wanted to believe it. He knew _John_ believed it. But yet ...

Rodney selected the file of their kiss again. The look on virtual Rodney's face when he saw John alive was without any doubt or hesitation. It was a giant leap from a friendship with promise, a _rejection_ even because he'd thought he was straight, to complete acceptance. And Rodney wished he knew what had changed for virtual Rodney, what the _machine_ had calculated as the thought processes for its representation of Rodney.

Maybe if he knew, he could categorically say that yes, these were his own thoughts. Or he could see that the machine had only been able to seduce and confuse him with the promises of a happy life with John, the prospect of friendship and sex and love all in a convenient bundle.

He almost wished he could talk to virtual Rodney and _ask_ him. He was pretty sure he'd soon be able to tell what the machine was just making up and what was really taken from him. But the Rodney in the machine was as dead and gone as everyone and everything else in that illusion, only remaining as static memories in form of recordings.

And as _real_ memories in John. He couldn't talk to virtual Rodney. But he _could_ talk to John again, even though part of him was almost afraid to ask because he knew that John would smile at him and probably find a way to touch him in ways that made Rodney want to touch him in return.

It turned out that _smile_ was an understatement. John practically _beamed_ at him when Rodney asked if he would mind continuing to tell the story of their relationship in the machine.

"Sure," he said, getting up from his office chair. "I'm done for today anyway." Then he came closer and put an arm behind Rodney's back on his shoulder. "We could go to your room."

"Or your room," Rodney said, very aware of John's hand on him. He wanted to be able to escape if necessary, so it would be better if they went to John's room.

John kept his hand on his shoulder until they encountered two marines in the hall. John slid his hand down his back then before letting go.

A shudder ran through Rodney. He couldn't remember anyone making him feel like this with just a casual touch. He was beginning to doubt that his feelings could merely be the result of _suggestion_ on part of the machine and John. But he still wanted to know how virtual Rodney had made that leap _without_ the help of a vision in form of an accident with an Ancient machine.

They arrived in John's room and Rodney immediately sat down on the one chair at his desk, trying to make sure that John wouldn't be able to sit too close to him. He needed to keep his head for this conversation.

John pushed some old mission reports to the side and sat down on the desk, spreading his legs and looking down at Rodney. Rodney thought that maybe choosing the chair hadn't been the best idea after all. He forced himself to look up at John's _face_.

"You saw the kiss," John said, but it almost sounded like a question.

Rodney didn't know what he wanted to ask, though, so he simply agreed, "Yes."

"We made it home from the mission as you know, and after check-ups and post-mission briefing we set a time for our date," John told him.

"You set a time? Like an actual date? Did you bring flowers?" Rodney asked, teasing slightly. He still wasn't quite able to see how it could all change from one moment to the next, from friends to _dating_.

"Nah," John said. "The way to your heart is food, isn't it?"

Rodney snorted. The machine didn't need to be very perceptive to get _that_ information right. "So we had dinner. But not in the mess, right?" Their friends and even Woolsey might have known about them at some point but they couldn't be open about their relationship.

"No," John said. "I prepared everything in my room and you eventually came to join me."

"Eventually?"

"Well, it seems first you were distracted, then you didn't know what to wear, and then we were finally having a nice incredibly awkward dinner," John said with a smirk.

"Awkward?" Rodney didn't know what to think of that. On the one hand he didn't like the idea of things being awkward between them—ever but especially on their first date. On the other hand it was almost a relief that they hadn't jumped from friendship into perfect "coupledom".

"_Very_," John said. "I think you were ready to write it off as a good idea gone horribly wrong."

"But ..." Rodney prompted, knowing it would turn out okay, and curious, despite himself.

"But I had the presence of mind to go back to what had worked wonderfully and kissed you."

Rodney could imagine it. Being frustrated and disappointed and then John coming and making it all clear. Rodney looked up at John. He had a feeling that if John did that now, grabbed his face and kissed him, Rodney would stop doubting too. Or at least stop caring that he still had doubts.

"And then," John continued, "we moved on to ... other things and, without going into detail, any awkwardness that followed was of the good kind and easily overcome, and by the end of the night I'm pretty sure you were ready to declare it a _very_ good idea."

"Night?" Rodney brought out, flushing at what John implied here.

"Uhuh," John said, grinning.

"I put out on the first date," Rodney said, half to himself. He wasn't a prude or anything, but this wasn't the way it usually went for him and it had been with a _man_. He wondered what they'd done. Somehow he couldn't help trusting John that he'd made it good for them. He flushed.

"You did," John said fondly. "It was ..." He got a faraway look, and Rodney was suddenly very aware that this wasn't about him, but about that other Rodney.

He tried to ignore the resentment rising in him. Would he ever be able to feel that John really loved _him_? He knew he didn't have an answer to the question, so instead he decided to ask the question that had prompted him to ask John to continue telling their story.

"Did I— Did Rodney ever say why he suddenly didn't think he was straight anymore?" Rodney asked. John's attention returned to the present, and he looked at Rodney. Rodney went on. "I mean what changed? Or was it just ... Did he actually consider himself bisexual or would he have gone back to women after—" Rodney stopped when he saw John's face darkening.

John leaned away, his relaxed posture changing when he moved his legs together and tensed. "We did not think in terms of _after_," he said stiffly. "It wasn't just a temporary ... 'thing'."

"That's not what I meant," Rodney quickly said, sounding a bit helpless. He hadn't wanted to upset John. And he _really_ hadn't meant it that way. He was well aware that the relationship of John and Rodney in the machine had been special and for the long haul.

John looked away, eyebrows furrowed, obviously trying to compose himself. Rodney could practically _feel_ his need to get up and get out of here. He really regretted his clumsy choice of words.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I know that—"

"It's okay," John said, but he still didn't look at Rodney. After a moment he took a deep breath and turned to Rodney. "I know what you mean and ... I don't know. But I know that as far as he was concerned it was real."

Rodney only nodded. He hadn't doubted that. He'd only wanted an explanation that did not include the involvement of an Ancient machine that had manipulated John's brain.

"I think I should go back to my office," John said suddenly, sliding off the desk. "Go over a few more reports. Lorne and I want to discuss some things."

Rodney got up, knowing a dismissal when he heard it. He wished he could take back what he'd said. Even though the happy, touchy John had scared him a bit, the stand-offish one wasn't better. Quite the contrary.

They both went to the door, and Rodney didn't want to make things any more awkward between them, so he simply said, "I wanted to check in with Radek," knowing it would take him in another direction than John.

He turned away when John called out his name.

Rodney turned back, seeing John looking at the ground and struggling with his words.

Eventually John looked back up at him and said, "We were _happy_."

Rodney looked at him, and what he heard was much more than that statement about the two of them in the machine. It also said, "We could be happy too."

"I know," Rodney said. Meaning both what John had said and what he hadn't said.

~~

John went to his office, trying to tell himself that it _was_ okay and that Rodney _hadn't_ meant it like that.

The hardest thing was that he'd had his doubts too in the training machine. They'd managed to handle that first awkward date and make it great, but it hadn't been smooth sailing from then on. Actually, he couldn't imagine that it would ever be for the two of them, but that was part of their relationship. They had fun together, were at peace with each other and the world, but every now and then one of them would say or do something that the other took the wrong way (or the right), and they'd have a fight. But they always made up again afterwards because in the end, what they had together was far too valuable to give up on.

Jealousy had been an issue at first. Rodney had always been pretty oblivious to women being interested in him. And John remembered one incident on a mission in the training machine after they'd gotten together, where a female scientist had been clearly not just interested in what Rodney said about their city maintenance.

She'd hung on his every word, smiling at Rodney and touching him, and John had followed them around, quietly seething until he'd realized that Rodney didn't even know he was there anymore. He'd been too engrossed in talking and being fawned over, and when he'd started smiling back at Elejna, John had called Teyla to do Rodney-sitting while he waited with Ronon, sulking.

It had been a petty thing to do, but he wouldn't have had to worry because Rodney hadn't notice—at all.

When he and Elejna had joined them again, they'd been chummy as two peas in a pod, and John hadn't been able to ignore the fact how there was practically no personal space between them. Rodney had looked so obviously taken with her that John had seen the end of it all coming. He'd imagined Rodney feeling bad, but unable not to tell John that he really missed women too much to make do with John. John had wanted to cry.

But since he didn't do that, he'd simply sulked more and ignored Rodney for the rest of the mission. Which had gone completely unnoticed to Rodney until he'd turned up in John's room after the post-mission briefing.

"You seemed pretty quiet today," Rodney had commented.

"Really? I'm surprised you noticed," John had said.

Rodney had frowned. "You were practically sulking all through the briefing. I know that science missions are boring to you, but usually you're able to find something of interest for you or distract yourself."

"Well, at least _you_ had a _great_ time."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying, you and Elejna seemed to have hit it off _really_ well," John had said.

Rodney had blinked at him. Then he'd smiled and frowned and grinned. "Are you ... jealous?"

"Of course not. Why would I be at having you _glowing_ when someone else _clings_ to you."

"She didn't _cling_. She was their senior scientist and showed me around the facility."

"I think we both know what she wanted to show you."

Rodney had stared at him. "Oh my god. You really _are_ jealous." He'd hesitated for a moment and added in an incredulous tone, "Why?"

"She was _all over you_ Rodney. I know you don't always notice these things—"

"She was just being _nice_."

"She _wanted_ you," John had shouted.

"So what?! Even if she did, why does—"

"And you wanted _her_," John had said.

Rodney had stared at him again. "You can't be serious."

"You came back practically arm in arm," John had said unhappily.

"You know, I think I'll come back when you've calmed down and stopped being an _irrational idiot_," Rodney said, shouting the last part on his way out.

"So I'm an idiot now too?" John had shouted after him.

"Too? What else are you exactly?" Rodney had asked, turning back to him.

"Not a woman," John had said, punctuating every word.

Rodney had looked at him for a long moment before coming closer again. "You think I want her because she's a woman who may be attracted to me. Because _clearly_ that has to be better than what _we_ have," he'd said.

John had shifted at that and looked at the ground.

Rodney had closed the remaining distance between them and cupped his face to make John look at him. "You're all I ever wanted in a partner. I might not have known this half a year ago, but I know it now because I've never been happier in my life. Even when you're an irrational idiot," Rodney had finished fondly.

John had pouted at that, and Rodney had pulled his face close and kissed the pout away.

"I love you," Rodney had said. "_All_ of you. And actually, I have quite a fondness for this," he'd put a hand on John's crotch and squeezed him, "which Elejna _doesn't_ have."

"She really doesn't," John had agreed and kissed Rodney again.

Then he'd fucked Rodney, and Rodney had let him know enthusiastically how much he liked being with a man.

After that, Rodney had been a bit more sensitive to women fawning over him, and if he noticed it, he made sure to smile at John to let him know that at the end of the day, it would be just the two of them.

John had stopped doubting virtual Rodney's feelings after that, but like Rodney did now he had wondered about virtual Rodney's sexual orientation.

He knew he should be more understanding because Rodney hadn't gone through all of this already. For him it wasn't something that had long been put to rest. He still had to come to the same conclusion that virtual Rodney had.

John wanted to be confident that he would.

~~

Rodney noticed that something was up with John. After their ... he couldn't even call it a fight. It was something like a misunderstanding, one of those incidents where Rodney said something without thinking. John had seemed understanding but something was different with him. He didn't keep quite as close to Rodney.

He didn't avoid him or anything, but that last bit that had driven Rodney crazy, the casual touches and little smiles weren't quite as present. Now the _absence_ of those things drove Rodney crazy.

He missed John's hovering around him. Instead John seemed to think something over. Rodney didn't know what he wanted to say. He just knew that suddenly it didn't feel right anymore that John wasn't so present in his life. Even though he still _was_. They had lunch or dinner together, discussed which members of the scientist department would work out best on the new teams, and it wasn't as awkward as shortly after John had woken up. It was probably like it had been before John's incident in the machine.

And that wasn't enough anymore.

It was only several weeks, but it felt like years ago that their relationship had been simple and didn't require any sort of conscious thought. They were what they were, and it worked out great for the two of them.

Since the incident in the Ancient machine, however, they'd been going through so many different stages, and it never quite fit together. He remembered when he'd desperately wanted John to be his friend again, but John couldn't. Now Rodney understood.

He watched the recording again, of their first kiss in the machine. It made Rodney nearly sick with longing to watch it. He lay down on the bed, the images and words burned into his mind. The promise of more.

He imagined not for the first time their first date. He ignored the awkwardness and thought about John pulling him close and kissing him. He imagined how the kiss would spin out of control, this time not cut short by outside forces.

He thought about John pulling him first close and then pushing him down on the bed. It was unbelievable how much the thought of John on top of him turned him on. Every time John had touched him lately, Rodney had thought about John hands on his body.

He wondered who'd first pulled off their clothes. Maybe it was both of them at once, unable to wait. He could imagine pushing John's shirt up to be able to feel him. And the idea of the two of them lying together naked, made his pants so tight that he had to open them up and free his dick.

It wasn't the first time exactly that he thought of John while masturbating. But he'd never made it so concrete in his head. It had been curiosity. Anything else he'd tried to ignore. But he couldn't ignore what he felt any longer.

He wrapped his hand around his dick and started stroking himself, imagining it was John's, pushed between them while they kept kissing. He made it slow, trying to drag it out, until urgency won out.

Rodney imagined John kissing wetly down his body and then sucking him down in one go.

He lifted his hips, thrusting into his own hand. He had a stray thought of the one guy who'd blown him in university, but it couldn't be like that. This was John, and even if he wouldn't be perfect at this, it would be hot as hell.

It would be even more, Rodney realized, imagining John moving up and down his dick. He thought of the sounds and the smell, but above all the touches of John and knew without a doubt that even if he was as bad at this as the guy in university, it would still be special because it was John.

Rodney sped up the movement of his hand, jerking himself off, legs spread for an imaginary John, feeling everything inside of him clench and unclench as he raced towards his climax.

When it came, Rodney convulsed, one syllable, one name on his lips. "John."

He lay on his bed, panting, trying not to think of his ruined shirt, and basking in the afterglow of feeling John's love for him like this. If John were actually here, Rodney would run his hands through his hair, fondly, carefully, _caring_. Because he cared about John in ways he'd never cared about anyone.

He loved John.

He loved him and wanted him, and if what he felt right now wasn't real, then he'd never be capable of feeling real love. It was as simple as that.

The machine might have opened his eyes to the idea, but it didn't _create_ those feelings. Rodney was sure of that now. He was also sure that those feelings wouldn't just go away. He wasn't naive enough to believe that things could never change, but if they ever did, it wouldn't be any different than any other couple drifting apart or not making it for whatever reasons. It was simply not possible that a mere idea could have influenced him in this way if he didn't have this already inside of him.

He knew that matters were a bit different with John. John had been _in_ the machine. It had been literally wired into his brain, and it was far more plausible to think that he'd been more directly influenced, but the truth was what was done was done. Unless they somehow stumbled upon a ZPM factory they'd probably never be able to properly analyze what the machine had done exactly. Jennifer had scanned John's brain, and Matthews had sent him back on missions.

From what everyone knew, what had happened in the machine was a _possible_ turn of events. Maybe not _probable_, but working for the Stargate program had taught Rodney not to dismiss the improbable. Most importantly there wasn't really a reason for the machine to plant these feelings in John to harm him. In fact, Rodney's best theory was still that it had read John's unconscious feelings for him and played out a scenario that let him explore what it would be like if he acted on them.

"Teach me," John had told the machine, and if there was something that John lacked, it might very well be his ability to express his feelings.

In any case, what applied to Rodney also applied to John. It didn't matter so much _how_ it had happened, but what the result was. And from what Rodney could see, from the last weeks in which John had struggled not to be in love with him, only to somehow come back to around to this, it seemed pretty clear to Rodney that his feelings were as strong as Rodney's.

John had never come out and _said_ anything of course, but it had been written between the lines, in every gesture and smile. Rodney recalled the vehemence of John's reaction when Rodney had unthinkingly implied it could have been over at some point.

John loved him. There wasn't any doubt in Rodney, and he didn't think that John had any doubts either.

So they loved each other and wanted to be together. It could all be perfect if it weren't for that one little thing that kept nagging on Rodney: The role of virtual Rodney in all of this.

Somehow their relationship had turned into a love triangle, and Rodney was _still_ not sure how to deal with that. He _wanted_ to be able to ignore it. He wished he could simply pretend that virtual Rodney was him and that when John got a fond look and faraway smile it didn't matter that the memory he recalled wasn't one that he shared with Rodney.

The problem was he couldn't. At this point, when he imagined them being together, he still wondered if there'd be a moment when he would do something that wouldn't be "right" and John would realize that he'd gotten the "wrong" Rodney after all. Rodney didn't honestly think it would happen, not to that extreme. But even little moments would be able to make him remember that he hadn't been there first. He had to find a way to deal with that and he would probably have to talk to John about what he expected.

Because Rodney knew he wouldn't be exactly the same. No matter how similar they were, there would always be differences, and he needed John to convince him that it wouldn't be a problem for him.

He didn't think he was up to that conversation quite yet though.

He would have to eventually, but first, he wanted to take the time and look at John and let himself _feel_ his love for him—_consciously_. And he wanted them to touch again, maybe do some touching of his own. They hadn't had a movie night in some time with all the mission reviews lately.

Food, friends, entertainment, and John. What more could he want?

~~

Everyone happily agreed when Rodney suggested a movie night. He let Ronon choose the movie, not really caring what it would be. He only wanted his chance to be close to John again.

As expected, Ronon chose an action flick. Rodney only nodded and waited for John. When he came in with the popcorn, Rodney smiled at him and put a hand on his arm, taking some popcorn and stuffing it in his mouth.

"There's enough for all of us, Rodney. Let's at least sit down first," John chided, but with a fond smile on his face.

Rodney kept his hand on John's arm and steered him towards the couch, until they were seated together, Rodney between John and Teyla. Ronon had sprawled on the ground.

John gave Rodney at look at the manhandling, but one corner of his mouth quirked up. Then Ronon started the movie. Rodney paid attention to the screen for about twenty seconds before his eyes turned to John.

Rodney let his gaze wander over John's profile, his nose, his lips, his neck, then to his pointy ears. After a while John quickly glanced at him, his gaze lingering when he found Rodney watching him. He quirked an eyebrow up in question, but Rodney didn't say anything because the only thing he could think of was, 'I love you.'

Instead he smiled at John and moved closer, allowing himself to lean his head on John's shoulder as he'd done in the forest on the mission where John had been hurt. John didn't react for a moment, then he leaned his head towards Rodney until they were touching.

Rodney ate some popcorn, still not really watching the movie. This felt so right. Sitting like this with John, the right word for it would probably be cuddling, felt like the way things should be between them. After the next bite of popcorn, he let his hand casually lie against John's thigh.

He could feel him shift slightly, possibly looking at him. Rodney turned and their eyes met. Rodney wanted to lean in and kiss him. It would be the most natural thing in the world. Except that of course they weren't quite there yet. By Rodney's choice.

The way John looked at him now, Rodney didn't doubt that he meant _him_ and not virtual Rodney, but Rodney knew that there would be other moments and he needed to know how they'd deal with them before taking this the last step. So he turned his head back to the screen and leaned on John's shoulder again.

After a moment he felt John nuzzling his head for just a second before leaning against it again. They both wanted this so much. Rodney was only barely hanging on to his resolve to talk things through with John before committing to what felt inevitable. It would be so easy to accept those little moments when virtual Rodney would intrude.

John moved his hand between them until it brushed against Rodney's. _So right._ Rodney stroked John's hand with the tip of one finger. John stroked back, and their fingers began to move, touching, but not quite clasping together. Doing the same little dance John and Rodney did around each other.

Rodney tried not to think about anything but being so close to John, to allow himself to be conscious of his feelings and to embrace them.

The movie ended much quicker than Rodney would have thought, but he left his hand next to John's and his head on John's shoulder.

Ronon got up and gave them a speculative look, but then shrugged it off.

"This was nice," Teyla said beside him. She got up as well and looked fondly at them, and Rodney knew that for her too this felt right.

Teyla and Ronon left them alone, and Rodney didn't really want to get up. He and John sat together for a while longer until John turned to him. "Can we go somewhere to ... talk."

Rodney froze. He knew that they needed to talk. Part of him wanted to get it over with so that they could finally really be together, but there was that little niggling fear in the back of his mind that insisted that things could somehow still turn out wrong.

"Okay," he managed to say.

John squeezed his hand and got up, letting Rodney's head slide off his shoulder.

The walk to Rodney's room—it was closer—was silent. Rodney tried to think positive thoughts, to get into a mindset of anticipation rather than dread, but he supposed it was too late in life to become an optimist.

They entered Rodney's room, and Rodney waited for John to start.

"We did talk about your sexual orientation once. In the machine," he eventually said.

Rodney blinked. He hadn't expected that but recalling their last conversation it made sense for John to mention it. John couldn't know that Rodney had put that particular train of thought behind him, willing to accept that whatever he'd considered his sexual orientation in the past he was in love with a man now. There was no denying it.

"We didn't really talk about _how_ things changed for you, but if you want to know ...."

"Of course," Rodney said. He was still curious about virtual Rodney's feelings on this.

"I asked you whether you considered yourself bisexual now or a straight guy who happens to be in love with another guy," John said.

Which was the question that Rodney had avoided answering for himself. "What did I say?"

"Well, first you asked me what I wanted to hear," John said, grinning.

"What _did_ you want to hear?"

"I wasn't sure actually," John admitted. "And you weren't sure either. You said you weren't attracted to guys 'on a large scale' and I really never had a reason to be jealous of other guys."

"But ..." Rodney prompted.

John flushed a bit. "I think you words were something like 'since I'm entirely besotted with a very male Air Force commander, I'm not really straight either'."

Rodney snorted. "Makes sense."

"And you didn't want to call yourself heteroflexible because that sounds like you do guys if you're desperate enough which wasn't what our relationship was."

Rodney nodded. He could agree with all of this. Maybe he'd one day feel comfortable with putting a label on his sexual orientation again. Then again, looking at John and the life that he envisioned for himself at his side, maybe it didn't really matter. "Or you could say I was gay because there was only going to be another man in my life."

He'd said it half-jokingly, but John's eyes widened. "That's exactly what you said," he said, with wonder in his voice.

Rodney wasn't actually surprised. "It's what I feel now," he said, holding his breath because this was the moment. Not that he thought he'd left much doubt that he felt the same as John.

"You ..." John said, face not yet as happy as Rodney would have expected him to be.

"Yes," Rodney said. Then he waited for John to realize what he was saying, what it _meant_ for them.

John just stared at him for a moment before taking one step, then the rest until he stood in front of Rodney and leaned forward, not too slow, but slow enough in case Rodney wanted to pull back. Which he really didn't.

Then their lips met in a kiss. They'd kissed before Rodney reminded himself, but those two kisses in the infirmary didn't really count. And he didn't want to think about John's memories of the machine. They'd still have to have that talk, but right now he just wanted to enjoy their—kind of—first kiss.

It started slow, but then John pulled him closer, hands resting on Rodney's hips as if they belonged there. Rodney opened up for him, moving his hands around John to hold him close. He remembered feeling the love in their second kiss in the infirmary, but this was so much more because this time John's feelings for him weren't so much overwhelming as _needed_.

John deepened the kiss, letting his tongue flick out against Rodney's and making his spine tingle at the promise of what else that tongue could do. Thinking about his sexual orientation really seemed pointless when he was so turned on by John, who stood close enough for Rodney to feel how male he was.

Rodney was ready to move backwards to his bed, recalling his fantasy about their first date, when John slowly pulled back and smiled brightly, _happily_ at him. "I knew it," he said.

Rodney almost wanted to say that with the cuddling on the couch earlier, 'knowing' didn't mean a whole lot apart from not being blind, but he didn't want to mock John. He smiled back instead.

John cupped his face. "I knew that what the machine showed me was _you_," John said, still smiling.

Rodney froze at that. He knew that John loved him and that they _did_ need to have that discussion, but he'd kind of hoped to postpone it until after the first sex. And he had hoped that John wouldn't actually say that he thought he and virtual Rodney were the same. Because ... "No, it wasn't," he said, making the effort not to pull away from John.

John just kept smiling. "Yes, it was. What you say and what you do, the way you _react_. It was you."

Now Rodney _did_ have to move out of John's reach because apparently they _were_ having that discussion now and it looked like they really needed to have it. "There may have been similarities. Maybe even a lot, but it wasn't me. And I will _never_ be that person."

"You _are_," John insisted and it made Rodney slightly angry.

"No, I'm _not_! No matter how much you want me to be."

This seemed to finally penetrate, because John didn't answer for a moment. "I don't. That's not .... I _know_ that you're not the same person in that sense. Different things happened there and here, but _we_ can still be the same."

"No, we can't. We can never be the same because I'm not _him_ and if you keep expecting me to do and say _everything_ he did and said, then maybe we should rethink this whole thing." Rodney couldn't really believe he was saying this, but he hadn't actually thought that John didn't even seem to think that there was anything wrong with believing Rodney _was_ virtual Rodney.

"Come with me," John suddenly said, taking Rodney's hand.

"What?" Rodney asked, but then he found himself pulled away. He knew he could put up a fight and be stubborn and part of him wanted to stand his ground, but a much bigger part of him wanted them to resolve this somehow because he couldn't even begin to imagine how they would handle their relationship as it was now.

He thought back at their struggles after John had first come out of the machine. No, he didn't think he could deal with more of that.

So he let John drag him away.

~~

John was glad that they didn't see anyone on the way. He wasn't going to let go of Rodney until he could make him see the truth.

Hearing Rodney say exactly what he'd said in the machine had only driven home what John had known for a while now. Rodney _was_ the same as in the machine, and John didn't know why he was still fighting it when he was willing to admit that he was in love with John.

It had been a rush to kiss Rodney—again. Or maybe it was their first kiss. But it didn't really matter to John. What mattered to him was that the life that he'd thought he'd lost, that had seemed so cruelly ripped from his hands after waking up was within his reach again, and he couldn't really believe that Rodney wasn't willing to take that last step with him. So he'd have to convince him.

They entered his room, and John locked it and went straight to his laptop and the hard drives with his recordings.

"No," Rodney said behind him.

"Maybe if you see it with your own eyes, you'll realize that _this_," John waved at the hard drives, "is the same as what we have. What we _could_ have."

"I don't care about what happened in the machine," Rodney said, crossing his arms in front of him. "And if that's the only thing you want then I really don't see what you—"

"That's _not_ the only thing I want," John said. He had no idea what Rodney wanted to hear from him. "I want _you_."

This got a reaction. But not necessarily a good one. "Well, it doesn't _feel_ like it when I can't say or do anything without you comparing me to _him_," he said, waving at the hard drives.

And then John finally understood. He walked over to Rodney, but when he lifted his hands to cup his face, Rodney moved away enough for John to drop his hands and not push it. "I know that you are not him," John said.

"Well, you said the exact opposite just a moment ago."

"I ..." John didn't really know how to say what he felt. "When I woke up, I thought I'd lost that part of my life forever."

Rodney frowned but he seemed willing to listen, so John continued.

"I thought I'd never have a chance at ... We were happy. _I_ was happy. I told you about my experiences before this, and I think part of me had given up of ever finding that with another person. Then came the machine and I had it with _you_. And then I woke up."

"You want that life back," Rodney said, but it sounded bitter.

"No, it's not like that. I'm not asking you to be the same. I don't want to 're-create' what happened in the machine. I know that we can't. I don't want the _same_. I want to be with you and I _think_ it will be _similar_—not the same—to what we had in the machine."

"So you'll be okay if I fall just a little short in reality," Rodney said, still bitter.

John sighed. God, he really could be stubborn. "You won't. You _can't_. I am _not_ asking you to be the same. I want you to be _you_."

"And you'll be okay if that's not what you expect? If there'll be moments when you _can't_ say, 'Oh, this is exactly like you were in the machine'? Because that's _going_ to happen."

John snorted. "I know. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I want you to be yourself, the man that manages to surprise me again and again, even if I feel that I know you better than I know myself. You make me laugh, you make me proud, you make me horny and every now and then you manage to really piss me off, and never knowing what it will be is part of your charm."

Rodney pouted at that, but John could sense that he was beginning to understand what John was saying.

"I did fall in love with you before I ever entered the machine even if I didn't know it," John pointed out, trying to make this even clearer.

"Not knowing is a pretty big _if_, and that thing was in your _brain_," Rodney said, but he uncrossed his arms, still looking defeated, but in this case John hoped that it meant he'd given in and accepted that John really wanted _him_.

"It didn't make me fall in love with you," John reiterated. He had too many memories of moments before the machine that he recognized in retrospect as nothing but that same love that had become clear to him in the machine.

"We'll never know for sure, but that doesn't really matter. I only need to know what you feel now."

"You still don't?" John asked. "I love you." He wasn't sure if he'd outright said it.

Rodney looked at him, and John could still see the doubt in his eyes. Then Rodney looked over to the hard drives. John wasn't sure what more he could say to convince him.

"That was just ... a dream," he said. "A nice one, but still a dream. I want reality."

Rodney nodded. "You usually can't actually rewatch your dreams though," he said. "Might be nice though. In general," he quickly added.

"You don't ever have to watch them. I'd like to continue with the mission reviews, but—"

"The mission reviews are not a problem," Rodney said.

"I can destroy the rest," John said.

"You'd do that to make me feel better?" Rodney asked.

"I _would_ but it's not much of a sacrifice. I never watched them anyway."

This seemed to surprise Rodney. "Seriously?"

"I _told_ you I wanted _reality_. Even when I didn't believe I could ever have the sa— something like what I had in the machine."

"You wanted _me_ even if we could have been just friends?"

"Yes!" John said, hoping that this was what could make Rodney believe in his feelings. And it was the truth. He'd never been willing to give up on their relationship even after he thought he would have to sacrifice their past to the Rodney in the machine. If Rodney had never given him a sign that he could return his feelings he would have been okay with that. He would have made it work.

"And you're sure that you won't mind if I act in a way—"

"You can do whatever you want, Rodney. I know you do, whether I like it or not," John said with a fond smile. "And I don't expect that to change. I don't expect _you_ to change. What happened in the machine was like a fantasy. And now I want to find out what it could be like for real. I don't even want it to be exactly the same. That would be boring. Plus, we'd only have nine months that way. And I want more than that. Much more."

John watched Rodney, and he could see the last of his resistance crumble away. "Me too," he finally said. "I was hoping for a lifetime thing if it's anywhere near ..." he trailed off.

John smiled gently. "You've been having fantasies too," he pointed out.

Rodney seemed to realize that they weren't coming from vastly different places after all. And then he _flushed_.

John raised an eyebrow. "What _exactly_ did you fantasize about?" he asked.

"I might have thought about ... our first date."

"You mean the first time we had sex," John said, satisfied to see Rodney flush again. "What did you imagine?"

Rodney's gaze wandered to the bed and then back to John.

John closed the distance between them again, slowly lifting his hands in case Rodney still needed more time. But he didn't. He let John cup his face with both hands. "Do you want to show me?" he asked quietly, leaning closer.

"Doesn't matter," Rodney said. "This will be _our_ first time, nothing to do with the machine."

John nodded in agreement. Then he waited.

Rodney looked at him, gaze dipping to John's parted lips before he looked back at John's eyes and leaned in too.

John moved his hands down and around Rodney, letting Rodney meet him in a kiss. The kiss deepened very quickly this time. John didn't want to rush Rodney, but Rodney seemed to be eager to explore him and John welcomed that as a sign that he really believed John and that they _had_ the chance to be together.

Rodney's hands had been on John's chest, but now he moved them to John's shoulders and neck and into his hair as he opened his mouth and deepened the kiss further. John moaned when Rodney pushed his tongue into John's mouth and thrust against him.

John pulled back to say, "Bed."

Rodney nodded in agreement. He took John's hand and walked to the bed, sitting down and pulling John with him. John landed on top of him, straddling him, finding his mouth again to continue their kiss.

Rodney eagerly responded until he pushed John away. "No, wait," he said.

John blinked but was ready to pull away, to give Rodney more time, when Rodney held him in place and then tried to turn them around.

"Rodney what are you ...?"

"Want to be on top," he said.

"Okay," John said, letting Rodney move them until he was lying in his bed and Rodney straddling him.

"I just ..." Rodney began but didn't finish.

John wasn't quite sure why he wanted to be on top, whether it was control or had something to do with what he'd imagined their first time had been like. Not _their_ first time, John mentally corrected himself. The one in the machine. "It's okay," he said. "Whatever you want, Rodney."

"You," Rodney said heatedly.

John leaned up to kiss him again. Rodney met him halfway and kissed him almost possessively. John couldn't help moaning and squirming underneath Rodney. His pants were getting tight, and Rodney was straddling him _right there_.

"Something wrong?" Rodney asked with a grin.

John wanted to tell him to get a move on, but to see Rodney so cocky made him far too happy. "Nope," he said with an answering grin. "Everything's _right_."

Finally, he added mentally.

~~

At John's words Rodney's grin softened into a smile. He knew what he was saying.

Ever since John had woken up, things had been off between them in one way or another. But it looked like they'd finally found their footing again. Not exactly as things were before, but still good. Very good in fact if he considered the way John squirmed beneath him.

It would be perfect if Rodney didn't still feel the shadow of virtual Rodney lingering around them.

He believed John, and he now understood what he had meant when he'd said that he and virtual Rodney were the same. He'd also realized that his own longing for what John and Rodney had had in the machine was actually very similar to what John felt.

But some part of him needed to still stake his claim on John, in a way that virtual Rodney couldn't. Rodney wanted to make to their first time really _theirs_. He almost wanted to ask John what they'd done in the machine, just to make sure that they didn't do the same, but he couldn't mention the life in the machine. Not when he was trying his best to make sure that John didn't think about it right now, here with him.

He almost asked John to fuck him because he was almost certain that they hadn't done that on their first date, but Rodney had to admit that he didn't feel quite up to that yet either. In the end he decided to simply go with what he wanted to do and if it _did_ turn out to be same as in the machine, he'd have to live with it, just like he had to live with all the other moments that would turn out to be similar, right along with those that were just them.

He leaned down and kissed John again. The kiss was a bit more gentle this time, and John held him, making him feel safe and loved. Rodney relaxed against him and let his hands move along John's shirt until he realized that he wanted to feel some skin.

Not letting up the kissing, Rodney pulled on John's shirt until he could slip his hand underneath and touch him. John's skin was warm and surprisingly soft. He suddenly had an image of John applying lotion all over his body. He had to smile.

"What's so funny?" John asked.

"You feel very soft," Rodney said.

"I wouldn't say that at _all_," John said, thrusting up with a part of his body that was in fact not soft.

John rubbed himself over John. "You're right. And I bet I could get it even harder."

"It might help if we lost some clothes," John said, though it sounded like a question.

Rodney's answer was to start unbuttoning John's shirt. John did the same, pulling out Rodney's t-shirt and placing his hands on Rodney's thighs. Rodney took his hand and put it on his pants, signalling John that he could go on unzipping him while Rodney still worked on his shirt.

John seemed to have gotten a different idea though because he began to squeeze Rodney through his pants.

Rodney was hardening and his pants were quickly getting uncomfortably tight, so he made short work of John's shirt and moved John's hand away to unzip himself. Realizing that he'd have to get up to get naked he ground against John's dick for good measure, then stood up to quickly get out of his pants.

John got with the program and scrambled out of his pants as well, pushing off shoes, socks and boxers while he was at it. The first sight of John's hard dick made Rodney's mouth water. He quickly pulled his own shirt off and struggled out of his shoes so that he could finally step out of his pants. After a moment's hesitation he pushed down his boxers as well.

When he looked up again, he saw that John had removed his shirt as well and was waiting for him completely naked. Which was a very good look for him.

He held out his hand, inviting Rodney to join him again. Rodney was more than willing to follow that invitation.

Lying on top of John, naked, their dicks aligned, their faces close was a breathtaking experience. It was as if something was slotting into place for him. It felt both familiar and new. His mind drifted to John's experiences in the machine for a moment. He wondered how this felt to John. If he only felt the familiarity. Or if it wasn't the same after all.

"What are you thinking?" John asked quietly.

"Nothing," Rodney said, but it didn't seem to have been convincing.

"It's just us," John said seriously.

Rodney was torn between being glad that John knew him and understood, and that he hadn't completely forgotten about virtual Rodney. Not that Rodney thought John ever would.

John put his hand on Rodney's chin. "It was never like this."

John's gaze wandered over Rodney's face, and Rodney felt as if he was mapping his face, discovering new things for the first time. And he wanted to believe that it was true. He didn't doubt John's words. Even though part of him ruefully thought that it might not have been like this because virtual Rodney never had a reason to doubt.

But John was right. This was different, for that reason alone. And it actually made Rodney relax again.

He leaned forward and slowly kissed John.

They just made out for a while until the kisses turned more urgent and they started to move against each other. Their dicks hardened, and Rodney needed more friction and he wanted to _feel_ John, so he let his hand trail down his body until he could push it between them and take both their dicks in his hand.

John thrust up into him and opened his mouth, gasping.

Rodney started to stroke them, his whole body tingling with the sensation of feeling John against him like this. John moved his hand down Rodney's back to his ass and thighs, holding Rodney there as he thrust up.

Rodney groaned at the sensation, needing to get closer to John. He removed his hands and put them at John's sides to hold himself up as he thrust against John with more force.

John's hands on Rodney's ass tightened and Rodney moaned and said, "I want to fuck you," without really thinking about it.

"Yes!" John agreed enthusiastically. He thrust up against Rodney one more time before stopping and saying, "Wait, I have ..." and moving towards the nightstand.

Rodney reluctantly moved up enough to let John open a drawer until he got out a bottle of lube and then other one in which he found, after some searching, some condoms. He turned back on the bed and held out the lube for Rodney.

"I haven't actually—"

"That's okay. I know. I can prepare myself," John quickly said, and Rodney moved up and watched in fascination as John spread his legs and squirted some lube on his fingers.

Watching John bite his lip and push a finger into his ass had to be one of the hottest things he had ever seen. Adding to that that he was going to be _in there_ in a moment, made Rodney tug on his balls to calm himself down.

John smirked at him. "Don't come before you're inside me," he said, finishing with a moan as he pushed back in with two fingers.

"Not helping," Rodney ground out.

John laughed. "You could already put on the condom," he suggested.

Rodney decided to do just that, because as great as watching John prepare himself was—or rather _because_ it was so great—he needed a distraction. When he looked back, John had three fingers stuck in his ass and was panting. Rodney didn't think he was going to hold on for long. In fact, this was probably going to be over very quickly. He reminded himself that they had a lot of time to do it again.

"That should be enough," John finally said, and Rodney sent a silent prayer of thanks to whoever was listening.

John lifted his legs and pulled them back and apart, presenting himself to Rodney on a silver platter. Rodney had to take a few calming breaths before he positioned himself at John's glistening entrance. Then he started to push in, groaning immediately at how tight John was.

"Oh god," John said, closing his eyes for a moment.

Rodney did the same and simply _pushed_, trying very, very hard not to come on the spot as John's heat engulfed him.

John moaned beneath him and said, "More."

And Rodney could only groan again and keep pushing until he bottomed out and was fully inside John. For a moment he desperately tried to hang on like that, not moving because he was afraid the least bit of friction would make him come.

"You okay?" John asked.

Rodney looked down at him and god, what a sight it was. To see John impaled on his cock like this, sweaty, with reddened lips and slightly glazed eyes. "Never been better," Rodney said.

John smiled and then let his legs move around to Rodney's back, pulling him closer.

Rodney's arms gave way and he dropped down on John, groaning as it made him shift inside John. "Fuck me," John whispered into his ear, and Rodney's hips reacted as if by force, pulling away a bit and then pushing back.

They started a rhythm, with little finesse and growing urgency.

John sought out his mouth, and they kissed again. Rodney knew that he wasn't going to last long. He began thrusting into John more forcefully.

"I'm going to come," he warned John.

John moved his hand around his hard cock and starting jerking himself off. Rodney had to lift his body to be able to see it.

"Oh god," he said, his hips beginning to stutter at the sight of John's hand around his dick, precome gathering at the tip.

Rodney managed two more thrusts before he climaxed, somehow able to hold himself up on his arms long enough to see John spurt between them. It only made his dick twitch harder and he groaned loudly before dropping on top of John.

"Hey. Delicate equipment," John said, and Rodney managed with an effort to pull out of him and roll onto his side.

They lay like that, catching their breath for a while. Eventually Rodney felt strong enough to pull off the condom and pad over to the bathroom and clean himself up a bit and return with a washcloth for John.

That taken care of, they lay together on their sides, looking at each other. John put his hand on Rodney's waist and smiled at him.

"I think we're off to a really good start," he said.

Rodney had to snort. It was an understatement. And he realized it was also John's way of saying once again that this was something new and not just a continuation or reiteration of what had happened—or rather not really happened—in the machine.

"Yes," he agreed.

John went to turn off the light, and then he slipped back into bed, pulling the covers over them as he pulled Rodney close. "This okay?" he asked.

Rodney moved around until they had their limbs more or less sorted out. "Uhum," he eventually said in confirmation.

John kissed his forehead. Rodney felt it was almost endearing considering what they'd just done a few minutes ago. But it still felt right.

He closed his eyes and listened to beating of his heart and felt the rise and fall of John's chest, realizing that after all that had happened in the last few weeks, he was finally able to say that again. All felt right between them. He'd gotten John back _and_ he'd gotten his fantasy—both their fantasy. Only that it was real.

Slowly a smile spread on his face. He fell asleep, looking forward to life that lay ahead of them—in all its unpredictable glory.


End file.
